Coping with unwarranted criticism when you're doing a favour or something helpful

VfM4meplse

Proxima_Centauri wrote: »

Totally off-topic, but I must read that book!
The only one I've read of hers is The Bonesetter's Daughter.

She is a brilliant author, very readable. Try the Kitchen Gods Wife if you want to stay on topic and read about a man that doesn't appreciate his wife

barbiedoll

The bit about the unappreciative husband did make me laugh. My husband (a world-renowned moany old git) always, without fail, finds something to whinge about whenever I put a plate of food in front of him.

Some of his finer examples...(Packed lunches)
Too much salad cream in his sandwich
Not enough salad cream in his sandwich
Bread too thick/thin
Butter too thick/thin
Tomatoes sliced too thinly/thickly
Foil not wrapped tightly enough/too tightly

(Dinner)
Too hot
Too cold
Too much food
Not enough food
Yes, we've run out of parmesan again
Heinz tomato ketchup is rubbish (but won't entertain the idea of any other brand)
Egg not runny enough
Fish pie has "too much fish" (my personal favourite! :rotfl:)
Wrong shaped plate (He likes his round plate, I used an oval one)
Roast potatoes too crispy/not crispy enough

Etc etc etc.

I just laugh in his face now and to be fair, he has never moaned about my food when we have other people dining with us.

He still eats almost everything I put in front of him so I think that moaning is just his little hobby. Luckily for him, I'm deaf in one ear so I make sure he sits on my "deaf" side, now I don't hear half of it! :rotfl::rotfl:

Primrose

I think my light hearted response would be "Nobody appreciates what I do until I stop doing it and your response has made me realise it's obviously time for me to stop doing it". !!!

Say it with a big friendly smile but accompanied by a determined withdrawal from the scene. The message will eventually sink in !

foolofbeans

onlyroz wrote: »

Neither of us expects wild cheering and fawning thanks - in fact some constructive criticism when a new dish is tried can be helpful. For example, "I like it but next time how about adding a bit more chilli?", or "The steak is good but I think a minute less cooking would make it better".

I cook the majority of times and actually I do expect thanks. It is not a favour to my family but it is an effort and I always do it with love so if I put a meal in front of people and they proceeded to say "a minute less cooking would make it better" I think I'd be pretty miffed and unappreciated.
I understand a minute matters when boiling an egg but mostly if it's edible I would expect a person to accept the meal with good grace.
Of course, expecting and receiving are two very different things and I don't always get thanks but I do make a point of thanking anybody who ever cooks me a meal, even DH, the kids or my parents.

foolofbeans

barbiedoll wrote: »

The bit about the unappreciative husband did make me laugh. My husband (a world-renowned moany old git) always, without fail, finds something to whinge about whenever I put a plate of food in front of him.
He still eats almost everything I put in front of him so I think that moaning is just his little hobby. Luckily for him, I'm deaf in one ear so I make sure he sits on my "deaf" side, now I don't hear half of it! :rotfl::rotfl:

I'm sure this is something you don't even notice any more but I find it amazing that you continue to cook and make packed lunch for this person who is so unappreciative. I always liked the adage "If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all".

barbiedoll

foolofbeans wrote: »

I'm sure this is something you don't even notice any more but I find it amazing that you continue to cook and make packed lunch for this person who is so unappreciative. I always liked the adage "If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all".

I've probably made him sound worse than he is, he will often thank me for dinner/packed lunch and THEN make his comments. As in...

"Thanks for the sandwich yesterday, but....there was a bit too much salad cream in it"

To be honest, it is a bit of a standing joke now. I'll put his dinner in front of him and tell him to moan now before he spoils mine. He'll then come up with something ridiculous such as the carrots are on the wrong side of the plate (for a joke, he doesn't really care about carrots) I cooked a really nice pasta dish the other day and when I gave it to him, I said...."Go on, find something wrong with it, I dare you"
He replied.."It actually looks edible...for a change!"
We all clapped and cheered him on!! :rotfl:



He had a moan today about the state of our oven and how it should be cleaned more often (he's probably right there!) To which I replied that if he wants a 1950's housewife, he needs to earn enough for me to be able stay at home so that I don't have anything else to do but clean all day.

It's interesting that you say that you appreciate a "thank you" after cooking a meal. I've never really noticed but our 18 year old son always thanks me after I've given him a meal, even if it's just a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea. So even if my cooking and cleaning skills aren't up to much, at least I've got something right!

Spendless

LilElvis wrote: »

Sorry, but I lost interest when a cooked meal was referred to as "tea".

Don't be so snobby and ridiculous. The U.K and local language includes more than just the South of England!

LannieDuck

Spendless wrote: »

Don't be so snobby and ridiculous. The U.K and local language includes more than just the South of England!

I was born in the South of England, and we always had Tea instead of Dinner.

unholyangel

fierystormcloud wrote: »

So how do you react when someone criticises something when you are doing them a favour? 4 examples...

1. One girl said every other time she cooks tea, her husband has something negative to say about it, just slight and trivial, but he seems unable to eat his tea more than twice without making a negative comment about it.

2. Another one said no matter how good a mum she tries to be, her husband always has to pick a flaw in her mothering skills; nothing major, just nitpicking - but it's hurtful and unwarranted.

3. Another one does food shopping for her MIL every single week, and gets exactly what she asks for and wants, and yet the MIL moans about something - ANYthing - every single time. There is always something 'wrong.'

4. Another one said no matter how she stores the food in the kitchen cupboard or how she puts it in the trolley, her husband has something negative to say about it and changes it. And when she closes the curtains, he just HAS to re-do them because she hasn't done it 'properly.' And when she dusts and polishes, he re-arranges the ornaments because she 'hasn't put them in the right place.'

1. If he was moaning about something silly I'd flippantly ask him if he wants to be eating his dinner or wearing it. Failing that, I'd just reply that he knows where the kitchen is. If it still continued past that, I'd start giving him frozen ready meals or just stop making it completely.

2. I think that one definitely deserves a more serious approach. Especially if he's criticising in front of their kids. If he's doing it in front of the kids then its going to affect how they perceive her and then how they treat her. Just maybe a gentle heart to heart as he might not even realise hes doing it - or how its upsetting her.

3. Tell MIL to order online for delivery/online for collection & you'll pick it up. Perhaps even tell her you've started doing that as its only £x and it saves x hours. Although I suppose it really depends on why she's doing MILs shopping and what the MIL is like in general.

4. I'd ask him why he feels the need to do that. Is it because he feels he has no control in another area of his life that he overcompensates elsewhere? Is it perhaps OCD? Or is it perhaps a way to make his wife devalue herself.

onlyroz

foolofbeans wrote: »

I cook the majority of times and actually I do expect thanks. It is not a favour to my family but it is an effort and I always do it with love so if I put a meal in front of people and they proceeded to say "a minute less cooking would make it better" I think I'd be pretty miffed and unappreciated.
I understand a minute matters when boiling an egg but mostly if it's edible I would expect a person to accept the meal with good grace.
Of course, expecting and receiving are two very different things and I don't always get thanks but I do make a point of thanking anybody who ever cooks me a meal, even DH, the kids or my parents.

I suppose the difference in our household is that we share the cooking and we also frequently try new dishes - and it's rare to get a new dish perfect the first time. For example my husband recently tried making a South African bunny chow - we all agreed it was delicious but thought that a bit more heat wouldn't go amiss and didn't need quite so much bread.

If we were making an established family favourite then we wouldn't be seeking suggestions for improvement and we'd just get on and eat it.