Coping with unwarranted criticism when you're doing a favour or something helpful

hazyjo

I have a witch of a line manager like that. I remember one afternoon when someone was sick, someone had holiday and another half day. I was the only secretary left and rather than one have to cancel their half day, I said I didn't mind working through my hour and 15 minute lunch and MAYBE leaving an hour early another day.


She rang me up and bit my bloody head off as I'd mentioned about taking an hour another day. Everyone else seems to say they're working through lunch and leaving an hour early for this that and the other.


Really thought I was offering to do something nice! Was so peed off that I bit her head off back and we had a row on the phone (senior partner heard, as well as my phone-slam at the end and me calling her an effing !!!!! to someone. Oops).


My ex was like it. I couldn't cook anything without him criticising it - he'd been trained as a chef before. I ended up leaving the kitchen and cooking to him. One Christmas he was cooking roast potatoes and was putting them all straight into a bowl. I said 'do you want me to put some kitchen roll in a bowl for you to soak up the oil' and he snapped at me and was quite nasty - that was the straw that broke the camel's back in our relationship I think!


Jx

VfM4meplse

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Three of your examples seem to have nothing to do with doing someone a favour. Do you really look at housework and cooking in that way?

Its about being appreciated. Looking after the family doesn't happen by magic.

Its people that have never done it that don't realise what it entails to do it well, nor how dispiriting the criticism is.

onlyroz

VfM4meplse wrote: »

This is a very male and "western" approach but I'm always reminded of the passage in the Joy Luck Club. Its not just cultural apppropriateness, its the arrogance of deeming to know better.

If I cook a meal for the first time and ask for opinions I'm not after fawning praise but suggestions for improvements the next time I make it. And if people genuinely think it's revolting I'd much prefer they told me than pretended to like it. We do a lot of cooking in our household and we do appreciate that it takes a few goes to get a dish right.

marisco_2

fierystormcloud wrote: »

So how do you react when someone criticises something when you are doing them a favour?

I get into a good conversation with them about their niggle. If it's constructive criticism they are giving then it's jovial and a bit of fun. If they are being downright bloody minded then I assertively stand up for myself. Rarely does someone nit pick with me twice. Making yourself a bit too busy to always be there for someone at the drop of a hat works wonders in them appreciating what you do too.

CRANKY40

My late husband once told me he'd emptied the bins for me. I told him I wasn't aware that they belonged solely to me :rotfl:

engineer_amy

I suppose im pretty lucky that any of my friends and family that I do favours for now are always appreciated, probably because I am selective in who I offer favours to!


I once worked with a girl who lived on my way to work, so offered her a lift in the mornings (she lived on a main bus route, but it was on my way). After a few weeks of this travelling together, I had a doctors appointment first thing in the morning in the opposite direction to work. I gave her 4 days notice that I couldn't pick her up next Tuesday, and she asked "well how am I supposed to get to work?". After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I casually reminded her of the bus stop 40 yards from her front door, and advised her to buy a monthly pass as it would be cheaper than single journeys 5 days a week.


As to the OP and the husband nitpicking over the child rearing skills - my friend's husband is constantly criticising her for the house not being sparkling clean when he arrives home from work, despite having 3 kids under the age of 7. Recently, we went away for a girls weekend. Arrived home at 4pm on the sunday, the kids were starving and still in their pyjamas, there was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink and the living room looked like a bomb had hit it. As soon as she got in the door, the husband took himself off for a lie down because he was knackered after looking after the kids all weekend by himself. Funnily enough, the criticism stopped soon after!

onlyroz

engineer_amy wrote: »

I once worked with a girl who lived on my way to work, so offered her a lift in the mornings (she lived on a main bus route, but it was on my way). After a few weeks of this travelling together, I had a doctors appointment first thing in the morning in the opposite direction to work. I gave her 4 days notice that I couldn't pick her up next Tuesday, and she asked "well how am I supposed to get to work?". After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I casually reminded her of the bus stop 40 yards from her front door, and advised her to buy a monthly pass as it would be cheaper than single journeys 5 days a week.

In my previous job I worked with a guy who got a lift each morning off another colleague. He was constantly moaning about how early he was expected to get up to receive this lift - I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him not to be so ungrateful.

paddy's_mum

onlyroz wrote: »

I had to bite my tongue

Perhaps it's a pity that people don't readily say what's what! I've often felt that being politely told that you're being grumpy or ungrateful can be quite the eye-opener.

I know that I have myself on occasion been grumbling at the world in general without ever stopping to think how my words might hit someone else's ears.

Proxima_Centauri

VfM4meplse wrote: »

This is a very male and "western" approach but I'm always reminded of the passage in the Joy Luck Club. Its not just cultural apppropriateness, its the arrogance of deeming to know better.

[/YouTube]

Totally off-topic, but I must read that book!
The only one I've read of hers is The Bonesetter's Daughter.

TBagpuss

I agree that the examples are not reat as they are about day-to-day intereactions in a relationship, rather than a favor.

In that situation, where it is a habit, I think you need to have a conversdation about it, and make the point that it is very dispiriting and frustrating, and that the person doing it neds to stop an think about whether their comments are likely to be helpful, useful or welcome, before they open their mouth.

If it icninutes then I think that turning the tables and getting them to do the cooking, or child care as an altenrative is reasonable.

I think with things such as cleaning the same applies - invite them to take over.

With the shiopping for MIL example I think it would depend a little on the situation, but agsain, i think I tould start with a conversation - next time she complains, say to her "I don't know if you realise, but even though I take a lot of trouble to buy exactly what you put on your list, and to give up my tme to shop and deliver for you, you don't ever express any appreicataion, and you alwys seem to find something to complain about. It makes me feel that I don't want to do you this favour any more, becaue it feels as though youdon't appreciate it."

If she doesn't, at that point, apologise and change, then I would probably be telling her (and my spouse) that I was not going to do the shopping for her any more - and suggest options. That might include introductging her to the idae of online grocery shopping or of that is not practical, letting her own child know that he or she would need to take over the task, and/or letting her know that from now on, she can provide a list and the money, and I / her child will do an online shop and arrange delivery.

Sadly there are people who are very picky, and others who very quickly develop a sense of entitlement my least favourite was someone who didn't drive, and went from apprevciating being given a lift to excecting a personal chauffer in no time. He once sulked for the rest of the journey after I declined to take a 12 miles detour up very muddy, unven, unfamiliar, single-track roads so he could look at a specifc landmark. He hadn't mentione this before we set out, it would have made us late (and we were meting other and had agreed on a timeto meet, so it would have kept them waiting). He was very lucy that he got a lift home at all!