Coping with unwarranted criticism when you're doing a favour or something helpful

thorsoak

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Had a discussion today with a group of friends about people who criticise you when you do do them a favour or when you do something helpful or positive that assists them. Eg, cooking someone dinner and they slate it, giving them regular lifts and they moan at you if you're a minute or two late, or you spend 3 hours cleaning and polishing and hoovering, but someone moans about a speck of fluff on the landing floor.

So how do you react when someone criticises something when you are doing them a favour? 4 examples...

1. One girl said every other time she cooks tea, her husband has something negative to say about it, just slight and trivial, but he seems unable to eat his tea more than twice without making a negative comment about it. First time - ask what was wrong, second time - ask him when he was going to cook something. Third time ....tell him to cook for himself in future, because as I was such a "bad cook" it would be better that he fend for himself.

2. Another one said no matter how good a mum she tries to be, her husband always has to pick a flaw in her mothering skills; nothing major, just nitpicking - but it's hurtful and unwarranted.
Leave him to look after the children for a weekend, then criticise his parenting skills.

3. Another one does food shopping for her MIL every single week, and gets exactly what she asks for and wants, and yet the MIL moans about something - ANYthing - every single time. There is always something 'wrong.' Tell her son that you didn't have the time to to his mum's shopping anymore, and he would have to do it.

4. Another one said no matter how she stores the food in the kitchen cupboard or how she puts it in the trolley, her husband has something negative to say about it and changes it. And when she closes the curtains, he just HAS to re-do them because she hasn't done it 'properly.' And when she dusts and polishes, he re-arranges the ornaments because she 'hasn't put them in the right place.'Move everything back to where I had put it, tell him that that's the way I want it.

On the occasions the 'guilty party' has been confronted, they usually say 'I'm only saying.....' 'no need to take things so personally.'

How do you/would you deal with it?

1. ignore it

2. criticise back

3. get angry - 'if you don't like what I cooked, shove it in the bin and do it yourself!'

4. act huffy and hurt. 'I am doing XXX for you and you slate it, do you know how hurtful that is?'

And how do you react if they give the typical reaction 'I'm only saying........ don't be so sensitive...'

And another point... why do people do it? To put people down? To make themselves better? Because they think they're superior?

It's called coersive control and is abuse.

Only I can't fathom berating someone and being mean about what they're doing/what they've done, when they are doing something to help me/doing something good/or doing me a favour.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Frankly if I had been in this situation then it would not have reached the point of criticising about parenting skills because I would not have had children with a man like this.

fierystormcloud

:T Superb answers in red above Thorsoak. Thank you!

Do you (or any of the others who have given examples and responses) have any idea why people do this though? Insecurity? Superiority complex?

thorsoak

Generally, it is considered narcissistic personalities (either sex) who act like this and can suffer from inferiority complexes which compels them to try to be superior to their partner.

fierystormcloud

thorsoak wrote: »

Generally, it is considered narcissistic personalities (either sex) who act like this and can suffer from inferiority complexes which compels them to try to be superior to their partner.

Yeah could be in many cases Thorsoak.

Being criticised when all you have done is your best, is very unpleasant and hard to deal with. And the 'I'm only being honest' and 'don't be so sensitive' comments are infuriating.

I have also noticed (and so have several people I have spoken to,) that these kind of people don't like it when you do it to them. A friend of mind had a hideously critical aunt (biological uncle's wife,) who criticised her weight, her skin, her teeth that were a bit crooked, her parenting skills, her house, her husband, her car, her job, her child (calling him fat and asking if he had a problem because he was a bit hyper!) you name it.

So this one time, my friend decided to get her own back. The aunt (who was about 45,) bleached her hair fortnightly, and it was going thin at the back, and my friend said 'Pat, are you going bald?' Cruel. But she had had enough. Her aunt had a meltdown. She said nothing at the time, she just grunted, but a few days later, the uncle came around and said how devastated she was that her niece had been so cruel and evil, and that she hadn't been able to leave the house since. He said she cried for 2 days straight at the 'abhorrent cruelty.'

It was 6 months before they spoke. The aunt stopped bleaching her hair, and within a few months, her hair went back to normal at the back. No more 'bald patch.' So it was just the excessive bleaching!

sooty&sweep

Hi

In this type of situation I tend to Thank the criticiser for volunteering to do it next time !

If they think they can do better then let them prove it !

Jen xxx

fierystormcloud

sooty&sweep wrote: »

Hi

In this type of situation I tend to Thank the criticiser for volunteering to do it next time !

If they think they can do better then let them prove it !

Jen xxx

LOL good idea! Maybe fight it with humour, rather than getting angry. :cool:

suki1964

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

Merry Christmas to those still here xxx

LilElvis

Sorry, but I lost interest when a cooked meal was referred to as "tea".

meg72

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Yeah I do think maybe some people are not doing it on purpose, but I can't believe that is the case all the time!

I remember giving a neighbour a 3-tier hamster cage with the little run through pipes and all sorts; £30 new at the time, and I GAVE it to her. I heard from someone a few days later, that she had complained that I hadn't bothered cleaning it out for her! (I had, but it wasn't immaculate, but still, she got a £30 item for her hamster for FREE!)

Lol this reminded me of the time a neighbour asked me for some plants as she had nothing in the garden, I dug up and split just about every plant I had and took them round for her. I heard from a neighbour later that she was complaining I didn't plant them in the garden for her. Guess who never got another blessed thing from me?

fierystormcloud

meg72 wrote: »

Lol this reminded me of the time a neighbour asked me for some plants as she had nothing in the garden, I dug up and split just about every plant I had and took them round for her. I heard from a neighbour later that she was complaining I didn't plant them in the garden for her. Guess who never got another blessed thing from me?

:rotfl: Some people! What a cheek!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing Meg.