Coping with unwarranted criticism when you're doing a favour or something helpful

helcat26

I do not think most of the examples you post are favours. I think most of them are doing something in a relationship or family situation as routine and being taken for granted and or criticized.


I am not saying it makes it good but it is different.


If I can explain:
I would consider a favour a one off thing to help someone out and basic good manners means that should be received with thanks. This would also include when someone does something for you that you do not want ( I am remembering a gift of a bright pink track suit here!) "oh thank you -you really should not have"


Routine stuff like cooking meals?Yes it wold be lovely to always get thanks or praise - but feeding the family, cleaning etc is a necessity not a favour. It can also be a pain in the bum if someone you are in a relationship with does one simple thing - like vacuuming the carpet and acts like they expect a Nobel prize for it.


But I would agree that constant criticism over everyday stuff would result in a backfire in this house. I would just stop doing whatever it was- or in the case of the mother in law cited I would get the shopping online and have it delivered!

Nebulous2

I'm not sure that most of these are favours - but where there is a favour it takes a skill to be a good recipient. A skill which many people need to work on.

I did / do a lot of favours for other people. Yet I always struggled with getting things from others. "Oh you shouldn't have done." "That's an awfully generous gift" "I was only doing my job."

What changed it for me was reading a prayer. I'm not religious, but I found a prayer at one point which said something like: - "Help me to receive as graciously as I give."

That was a lightbulb moment for me. I recognised that my discomfort with receiving things was not just my issue, but was actually extremely unfair / unkind to the giver. So I've tried to learn to show my appreciation.

"Thank you" "That's very kind." "Thank's very much, I really appreciate it."

I don't always make it and it isn't always the first thing that comes to mind, but I've been trying to become a gracious recipient.

onlyroz

Your examples are not great - I'd hardly call cooking the family dinner a "favour". I cook the dinner Mon-Wed and my husband cooks Thur-Fri. Neither of us expects wild cheering and fawning thanks - in fact some constructive criticism when a new dish is tried can be helpful. For example, "I like it but next time how about adding a bit more chilli?", or "The steak is good but I think a minute less cooking would make it better".


I also get a bit mad when my husband exhibits general sloppy behaviour around the house, and would get very twitchy if he couldn't do something as simple as closing curtains properly. Not to the point of being a-nal about it though.


But yes, if you do somebody a genuine favour, like giving them a lift or going shopping for them, then it wouldn't go down well if your efforts were criticised. Do this too often and I'd stop offering.

onlyroz

helcat26 wrote: »

It can also be a pain in the bum if someone you are in a relationship with does one simple thing - like vacuuming the carpet and acts like they expect a Nobel prize for it.

Yes, like when your partner does the laundry for the first time in months, hangs it up to dry badly and full of creases, and then feels put out when you don't shower them with praise.

pollypenny

Apart from the lifts, most of your examples are no big deal.

Most of us have a moan at our nearest and dearest from time to time.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

1. Cooking. I wouldn't do it again. I actually have the opposite problem - the OH tends to cook and some of his versions of meals are - interesting. It seems so ungrateful to say 'well, actually, it's revolting' when he's put a lot of time and effort into cooking, but if I don't say anything, there's a distinct danger of getting a future meal equally as bad. I usually err on the side of eating as much as I can, then a few days later, suggesting I cook a similar dish, or saying how much I enjoyed x whilst pretending dish y never happened.

2. Be out more often. And find the details of a good divorce lawyer.

3. Not do the shopping.

4. Ask the person from number 2 for the lawyer's phone number.

onomatopoeia99

fierystormcloud wrote: »

How do you/would you deal with it?

I would not moan about a partner to my friends, ever, first of all, so I'd not be providing an example for your list . I'd address it directly and ask why they felt the need to act that way. IF they were unable to stop, I'd probably bin them off (I believe this is the correct contemporary vernacular). Can't go through life like that.

The mother in law one I'd just not do it, and explain why. Mind you, I'd likely not date someone that's an adult but still needs to live near her mum.

VfM4meplse

Judi wrote: »

I take so much from family then i start to answer back.

I take so much from friends then i withdraw.

I think many of us take this route. I generally do stuff for other people because I want to, and I don't want to see them struggling. If its not appreciated or good enough, withdrawal without saying anything that may create any additional bad feelings is the best method.

Some people just moan out of habit, they have no idea of how it affects others and then wonder why no one wants to know.

jackyann

I think that anyone affected by this needs to think:
'what is a favour?' and what is 'running a household / family together?'
and
'is this criticism 'unwarranted', intended to be constructive, or a symptom of problems in the relationship?'
Parents need to discuss parenting styles, dealing with particular issues etc. and of course there are better & worse ways to go about that discussion, but it's a world away from offering a neighbour plants or a hamster cage.

VfM4meplse

onlyroz wrote: »

Your examples are not great - I'd hardly call cooking the family dinner a "favour". I cook the dinner Mon-Wed and my husband cooks Thur-Fri. Neither of us expects wild cheering and fawning thanks - in fact some constructive criticism when a new dish is tried can be helpful. For example, "I like it but next time how about adding a bit more chilli?", or "The steak is good but I think a minute less cooking would make it better".

This is a very male and "western" approach but I'm always reminded of the passage in the Joy Luck Club. Its not just cultural apppropriateness, its the arrogance of deeming to know better.