Coping with unwarranted criticism when you're doing a favour or something helpful

fierystormcloud

Had a discussion today with a group of friends about people who criticise you when you do do them a favour or when you do something helpful or positive that assists them. Eg, cooking someone dinner and they slate it, giving them regular lifts and they moan at you if you're a minute or two late, or you spend 3 hours cleaning and polishing and hoovering, but someone moans about a speck of fluff on the landing floor.

So how do you react when someone criticises something when you are doing them a favour? 4 examples...

1. One girl said every other time she cooks tea, her husband has something negative to say about it, just slight and trivial, but he seems unable to eat his tea more than twice without making a negative comment about it.

2. Another one said no matter how good a mum she tries to be, her husband always has to pick a flaw in her mothering skills; nothing major, just nitpicking - but it's hurtful and unwarranted.

3. Another one does food shopping for her MIL every single week, and gets exactly what she asks for and wants, and yet the MIL moans about something - ANYthing - every single time. There is always something 'wrong.'

4. Another one said no matter how she stores the food in the kitchen cupboard or how she puts it in the trolley, her husband has something negative to say about it and changes it. And when she closes the curtains, he just HAS to re-do them because she hasn't done it 'properly.' And when she dusts and polishes, he re-arranges the ornaments because she 'hasn't put them in the right place.'

On the occasions the 'guilty party' has been confronted, they usually say 'I'm only saying.....' 'no need to take things so personally.'

How do you/would you deal with it?

1. ignore it

2. criticise back

3. get angry - 'if you don't like what I cooked, shove it in the bin and do it yourself!'

4. act huffy and hurt. 'I am doing XXX for you and you slate it, do you know how hurtful that is?'

And how do you react if they give the typical reaction 'I'm only saying........ don't be so sensitive...'

And another point... why do people do it? To put people down? To make themselves better? Because they think they're superior?

Only I can't fathom berating someone and being mean about what they're doing/what they've done, when they are doing something to help me/doing something good/or doing me a favour.

Thoughts? Opinions?

-taff

If I'm doing someone a favour and they criticise, I'd be telling them, if you unfairly criticise me again, do it yourself.
If they say don't be so sensitive, well, don't be so rude.

System

I take so much from family then i start to answer back.

I take so much from friends then i withdraw.

Anyone else, sod them!

missbiggles1

Three of your examples seem to have nothing to do with doing someone a favour. Do you really look at housework and cooking in that way?

LKRDN_Morgan

fierystormcloud wrote: »

So how do you react when someone criticises something when you are doing them a favour? 4 examples...

1. One girl said every other time she cooks tea, her husband has something negative to say about it, just slight and trivial, but he seems unable to eat his tea more than twice without making a negative comment about it.

I'd remind him women left the kitchen a long time ago. If he doesn't like it make something else. Regular complaints would result in him wearing the dinner.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

2. Another one said no matter how good a mum she tries to be, her husband always has to pick a flaw in her mothering skills; nothing major, just nitpicking - but it's hurtful and unwarranted.

He can go pick on his new girlfriends step-mothering skills because this I 100% would not put up with this.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

3. Another one does food shopping for her MIL every single week, and gets exactly what she asks for and wants, and yet the MIL moans about something - ANYthing - every single time. There is always something 'wrong.'

Get your own shopping. Or better still get you son to go shopping. I warn you you'll be surviving on beer and steak but it's better than my shopping isn't it!

fierystormcloud wrote: »

4. Another one said no matter how she stores the food in the kitchen cupboard or how she puts it in the trolley, her husband has something negative to say about it and changes it. And when she closes the curtains, he just HAS to re-do them because she hasn't done it 'properly.' And when she dusts and polishes, he re-arranges the ornaments because she 'hasn't put them in the right place.'

This is very Sleeping with the Enemy. Remember that film? This one needs help.

paddy's_mum

fierystormcloud wrote: »

It may be a good idea to read the original post through before responding again... so you can respond the next time without a pedantic reply that adds nothing to my thread.

Whoa! That was exactly my thought when I first read your post.....

However, for what it's worth, my usual response to criticism (if unwarranted) is either to check whether I have in fact made a bit of a careless fist of the job or to suggest that the person does it themselves next time to their own satisfaction.

I've even been known to refuse outright to have another attempt and that would probably be my response to the ungrateful M-i-L in the opening post - "sorry, not well" or "the car has got a puncture" or even "can't-got a bone in my leg".

missbiggles1

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Whoa! That was exactly my thought when I first read your post.....

However, for what it's worth, my usual response to criticism (if unwarranted) is either to check whether I have in fact made a bit of a careless fist of the job or to suggest that the person does it themselves next time to their own satisfaction.

I've even been known to refuse outright to have another attempt and that would probably be my response to the ungrateful M-i-L in the opening post - "sorry, not well" or "the car has got a puncture" or even "can't-got a bone in my leg".

My aunt used to use that expression - I always assumed she made it up!

ripplyuk

Most of it is just people taking you for granted. It's at it's worst with family members. I guess familiarity breeds contempt.

My partner criticised my cooking once. I've never cooked again for him so that solved that problem. He does it now. I'm sure he's happy with that since he's so much better at it then me :rotfl:

My MIL is a bit like your examples. The more we do, the more moaning she does. The people who do nothing for her get nothing but praise. I think that's just control, especially since she's elderly. I guess it's like the saying 'you hurt the ones you love'. She knows we'll always be there for her, whereas the rest of the family would just clear off if she annoyed them. We do back off for a bit when it gets too much, which seems to keep it in check.

With friends or anyone else, I just wouldn't do them any more favours.

fierystormcloud

LKRDN_Morgan wrote: »

I'd remind him women left the kitchen a long time ago. If he doesn't like it make something else. Regular complaints would result in him wearing the dinner.

He can go pick on his new girlfriends step-mothering skills because this I 100% would not put up with this.

Get your own shopping. Or better still get you son to go shopping. I warn you you'll be surviving on beer and steak but it's better than my shopping isn't it!

This is very Sleeping with the Enemy. Remember that film? This one needs help.

:rotfl::T Great answers. It is a damn cheek isn't it?! Doing positive things and good things and people still criticise. WTH?!

paddy's_mum wrote: »

However, for what it's worth, my usual response to criticism (if unwarranted) is either to check whether I have in fact made a bit of a careless fist of the job or to suggest that the person does it themselves next time to their own satisfaction.

I've even been known to refuse outright to have another attempt and that would probably be my response to the ungrateful M-i-L in the opening post - "sorry, not well" or "the car has got a puncture" or even "can't-got a bone in my leg".

:rotfl: Yep good answer. I could not bear to be in the position of the woman who said her MIL slates everything. I think her husband sticks up for his mum too.

ripplyuk wrote: »

Most of it is just people taking you for granted. It's at it's worst with family members. I guess familiarity breeds contempt.

My partner criticised my cooking once. I've never cooked again for him so that solved that problem. He does it now. I'm sure he's happy with that since he's so much better at it then me :rotfl:

My MIL is a bit like your examples. The more we do, the more moaning she does. The people who do nothing for her get nothing but praise. I think that's just control, especially since she's elderly. I guess it's like the saying 'you hurt the ones you love'. She knows we'll always be there for her, whereas the rest of the family would just clear off if she annoyed them. We do back off for a bit when it gets too much, which seems to keep it in check.

With friends or anyone else, I just wouldn't do them any more favours.

Great post thank you. Yes I do wonder if it's about control.

Enjoyed reading these - thanks folks.

mmmsnow

My mum used to go out of her way for friends and acquaintances. I'll always remember the time she got a box of chicken drumsticks at cost price for a woman she barely knew (they did "keep fit" together) who was putting together a kid's birthday party on very little money. When that woman turned up, she gave my mum the exact money (down to the penny) then moaned that the chicken drumsticks were "raw" - she thought my mum would at least cook them for her!

In the end, my mum stopped doing people favours.

I have a wonderful mother in law who is very pernickety and it's taken me ten years to just shrug off her little criticisms. I think it's her way of making conversation.

fierystormcloud

mmmsnow wrote: »

My mum used to go out of her way for friends and acquaintances. I'll always remember the time she got a box of chicken drumsticks at cost price for a woman she barely knew (they did "keep fit" together) who was putting together a kid's birthday party on very little money. When that woman turned up, she gave my mum the exact money (down to the penny) then moaned that the chicken drumsticks were "raw" - she thought my mum would at least cook them for her!

In the end, my mum stopped doing people favours.

I have a wonderful mother in law who is very pernickety and it's taken me ten years to just shrug off her little criticisms. I think it's her way of making conversation.

Yeah I do think maybe some people are not doing it on purpose, but I can't believe that is the case all the time!

I remember giving a neighbour a 3-tier hamster cage with the little run through pipes and all sorts; £30 new at the time, and I GAVE it to her. I heard from someone a few days later, that she had complained that I hadn't bothered cleaning it out for her! (I had, but it wasn't immaculate, but still, she got a £30 item for her hamster for FREE!)