Am I The Only One?

Gloomendoom

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

The endorphins from exercise give me a major natural high, which is a bonus for me considering i have ptsd and depression.
It also helps alleviate the problem of a high libido that i have always had.

Based on my own experience, I would have thought that it might make the "problem" worse.

Primrose

Andy, that is a sensible and mature decision . I hope it works for you and that you get a lot of satisfaction out of your new interests. But I think you still have a right to ask your wife to meet you halfway in this issue and for her to try and understand there has to be a middle way. This is not just specifically because of the sexual issues involved, but because in any loving relationship where two partners have a different perspective on something, they both have to accept responsibility for trying to find a compromise solution where both parties feel that the other has contributed towards resolving a particular issue.

Knightsuntold

You're not being selfish - far from it. In fact, I think you're pretty amazing for staying in the relationship and putting your wife's wants/needs first - contrary to popular belief, love doesn't always conquer everything.

I'm going to put this out there, and I'm fully aware that I may get shot down. I have friends in a similar situation. The wife has numerous and severe disabilities from a car crash when she was 42, and has zero desire, a situation which is unlikely to change. The husband has a 'friend with benefits', who he sees once or twice a month. The situation is different, in that the wife was very self-aware, knew her husband would have needs, and suggested it. There is no doubt that the husband and wife are deeply in love, and there's no intention that they will split up at any point - he is her main carer, and he does the lion's share of looking after the kids. Her only stipulations are that it isn't someone she knows, and that she doesn't know when it is.

I know this is potentially controversial, and I hope I haven't offended you by putting it out there.

Primrose

Knightsuntold. This of course is another side to that coin and it would take the wisdom of Solomon to declare that this was an immoral way to behave. If I ever found myself in the position of that wife, loving my husband as I do, I hope I might find the same generosity of spirit to try and find a situation that worked for both of us.

Everybody will come from a situation like this with a different perspective and the old saying is very true that you have to walk a mile in somebody else's shoes before you should judge them.

AndyBlue1975

Everybody will come from a situation like this with a different perspective and the old saying is very true that you have to walk a mile in somebody else's shoes before you should judge them.

Amen to that!

FBaby

So that is the way forward for me.

But as it's been pointed out, is it the way forward to your marriage? Is the problem only the lack of physical release and so if you can get this numbed or resolved in a different way, everything will be fine with your wife?

I am extremely active sportwise, but that doesn't make any difference to my libido. Endorphins are great, but they don't replace the intimacy that comes with sex.

There is a big difference between not being able to engage in specific sexual activities due to disabilities and not being willing to engage in anything remotely sexual. Thank God many disabled people are able to have a satisfactory sexual life.

I personally would resent my husband deeply if he refused to have any discussion or to show some willingness to find some sort of compromise unless he really couldn't do anything at all and actually showed that he cared about how it affected me. The 'I don't want sex and I am using my disabilities to justify not doing anything at all and don't pester me wanting to talk about it' would certainly eat away, however slowly, at my feelings for him.

Primrose

Andy Blue. Well maybe you have to seriously ask your wife how she would feel if you said you were seriously considering that alternative option as the only way of potentially saving your marriage.

Just the thought of you raising the issue may force her to think a little more objectively about her own attitude and whether she is right to be so entrenched in her rigid refusal to discuss a compromise. I don't think you should threaten her with it especially as you love her but really it does sound as if she using her (genuine) disabilities to avoid trying to meet you halfway. If that is the case, or she perceives you seeing that as the case, bringing the issue up for discussion should at least help her to understand she's lucky you!re being open enough with her to try and make her understand why has been going through your mind. A lot of men would simply just go out and do it.

AndyBlue1975

I couldn't raise an alternative option with her.
I just don't have the heart.

A lot of men in my position probably would go out and just do it, or walk away from the situation.
I won't.

I don't want my family to become another statistic.
There are too many broken homes.
As my Mum says, people get together and seperate are like pie crust promises!!

Knightsuntold

Primrose wrote: »

Knightsuntold. This of course is another side to that coin and it would take the wisdom of Solomon to declare that this was an immoral way to behave. If I ever found myself in the position of that wife, loving my husband as I do, I hope I might find the same generosity of spirit to try and find a situation that worked for both of us.

Everybody will come from a situation like this with a different perspective and the old saying is very true that you have to walk a mile in somebody else's shoes before you should judge them.

I'd like to think that I could act in the same as way too, but I'm really not sure I could.