Am I The Only One?

heartbreak_star

Is she being medically treated for all those conditions?

HBS x

helcat26

Sorry for you both in this situation.
I have the following thoughts -
1. Try to keep the intimacy - kissing, cuddling, touching going and try to make it clear that there is not an agenda for it to always go further. It would be very lonely in a relationship with no physical contact.
2. Are there alternative things you can do together for you to gain satisfaction? I imagine if her spine is playing up that would rule out a lot, but maybe not everything.

hazyjo

What was she like when you first got together? Was sex a big thing for her then, or has she never been that bothered about it?


If vertigo is ongoing, I have every sympathy. I've had it twice. The only way I can describe it is that it's like you're the drunkest you've ever been (literally wanting to throw up and having to crawl along rather than walk), on the rockiest boat in a severe storm. Everything I looked at was swinging in front of my eyes. Just awful. I thought I had a brain tumour the first time and was too sick to even want to go to hospital. The thought of a moving vehicle - no thanks, I was seriously happier 'dying' in my bed! Took around 4 weeks to go - every day saw a slight improvement until it had gone. If she's at any stage in those four or so weeks, she may appear okay-ish, but I can confirm she'll be feeling awful. Maybe she's got good at hiding it or she's literally feel like she was moaning about her ailments all day every day.


Hope you sort things out. I don't think you're being unfair. Maybe take more time on her, not make it all about you/your need/desire for sex. Maybe just say look, tonight is all about you, I don't want anything back, just want you to enjoy it.


It's partly why I split with my ex husband. I wasn't prepared to be in just a 'friendship' for the rest of my life. I realise 'friendship' is an important part, but he never made me feel more than that. Looking back, I think he just wanted a live-in drinking buddy lol.


Jx

ripplyuk

I think even if you do go to counselling, you'll only find out what you already know - that your partner doesn't want that sort of sexual intimacy. Given that list of health conditions, I'm sure I wouldn't either. Perhaps she doesn't know what else there is to talk about, or what else she can tell you. I'm sure she knows you want more, but she doesn't.

I certainly wouldn't want to find ways to encourage anyone into doing something sexual that they didn't feel like, or aren't really interested in. I know some people will say she should do it to please you, but I disagree, and I can't imagine that it would be pleasing for either party if that happened.

Sorry if I sound harsh and pessimistic AndyBlue. It's hard feeling that your needs aren't being met, but sometimes there just isn't an easy solution. If this is something you really can't put up with, then you should move on before you become resentful. But remember that health problems and disability can strike anyone in any relationship.

ETA: I'm in a somewhat similar situation so I do understand that it's not easy and you're definitely not the only one.

gonzo127

ripplyuk wrote: »

I think even if you do go to counselling, you'll only find out what you already know - that your partner doesn't want that sort of sexual intimacy. Given that list of health conditions, I'm sure I wouldn't either. Perhaps she doesn't know what else there is to talk about, or what else she can tell you. I'm sure she knows you want more, but she doesn't.

I certainly wouldn't want to find ways to encourage anyone into doing something sexual that they didn't feel like, or aren't really interested in. I know some people will say she should do it to please you, but I disagree, and I can't imagine that it would be pleasing for either party if that happened.

Sorry if I sound harsh and pessimistic AndyBlue. It's hard feeling that your needs aren't being met, but sometimes there just isn't an easy solution. If this is something you really can't put up with, then you should move on before you become resentful. But remember that health problems and disability can strike anyone in any relationship.

ETA: I'm in a somewhat similar situation so I do understand that it's not easy and you're definitely not the only one.

i dont think anyone would say to encourage his wife into sexual situations she doesnt want, and the way i have read it from the original post was that she has said he should take the initiative to 'start', which reads to me that she isnt against it, but every time he has, she has said no. Which of course is her right, but gives somewhat mixed signals that she wants it, and he should try, but when he does try its a no, so in effect giving false hope.

As she is not willing to talk about it for what ever reasons, this to me is where the problem is, as if she would talk about it, then at least everyone would know where they stand, and if its a no, never, then at least the OP knows and can make any decisions he has to take in that knowledge, and if it is a case of she doesnt know when she feels like it, then they could make the choice that she has the power instead of telling him its him to make the moves but getting rebuffed when he gets it wrong. as it is at the moment seems to be a yes but no but yes but no........

which is not a good way to live,

Prothet_of_Doom

My wife has suffered health issues going back 11 years including ME (Chronic fatigue), IBS, and this year serious back issues, which meant that she felt life was over for her. She seemed to be about to fall into a major depression. All I can do is just cuddle her, and tell her, that I love her, and that she is the only woman for me, and that sex is not important. (Although the endorphines, might work better than pain killers or not)

We have talked a lot as her and reassurance is what she needs, but for her part and she's agreed that I'm not a mind reader, and if she ever feels in the mood she will (and has) let me know.

So yes whilst the OP's post seems selfish, I can see where his frustration is coming from. My advice is to step back, and think about what she needs.

richardw

Many people of either gender in similar situations get very good at being on their own for pleasure.

AndyBlue1975

Thanks everyone.

She has had a lot of these conditions her whole adult life, but over time, the treatments, medications, and the emotional issues that they cause has lead to the death of her libido.

I love her, god i love her so so much.

After reading everything that everyone has said, and a lot of good points at that, i think the best option for me is to try my hardest, (no pun intended), to bury naughty thoughts to the back of my mind and lock them away.

The cuddles, kissing and holding hands is something, and i know that some couples do not even hold hands in public.
We do.

Life sometimes gets in the way when it doesn't mean to.
I mean i look after her, and our elderly parents, and our children, and all the finances, shopping, etc.
It is very easy to forget romance, and when you have no baby sitters, even harder to get out and have a romantic time together.
So i guess what i am saying is i need to introduce or reintroduce romance a lot more, as there used to be a lot of that, and now there isn't.

elisebutt65

Funnily enough I've just spoken to my oh about instituting a 'date night' once a week, where we can go out and just be us, away from family, regular tv, mobile devices etc. Not necessarily leading to nookie, but reintroducing intimacy.
My story is familiar to those who've read my posts; breast cancer with hormone treatment, osteoporosis, plantar fasciitis, carpal tunnel and now a kidney stone from my medications. I'm not the sexiest feeling female.
I have been gradually losing weight this year, despite the steroids, I have managed to lose 7.5 kg, and am steadily losing half a kilo a month. I need to lose another 14 over the next year or 2, but at least I'm overweight now, not obese. I've felt so sh1£ that my libido has just gone so poor old oh has only managed to attract my attention every few months, and that was with liberal applications of 'Yes' (on Amazon).
Want my libido back, believe me, but it gas to be worked at by both parties.

Mojisola

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Life sometimes gets in the way when it doesn't mean to.

I mean i look after her, and our elderly parents, and our children, and all the finances, shopping, etc.

It is very easy to forget romance, and when you have no baby sitters, even harder to get out and have a romantic time together.

So i guess what i am saying is i need to introduce or reintroduce romance a lot more, as there used to be a lot of that, and now there isn't.

But it isn't your sole responsibility. While she's having to cope with her poor health, you're dealing with a lot as well.

Could you get over to her how important it is to talk about things and really listen to each other even if nothing physical is happening?