Am I The Only One?

AndyBlue1975

Hello.

This is a bit of a personal issue that has bothering me for years, and the one person i need to talk about it, doesn't want to.

My partner has several ailments consisting of a number of degenerative spinal issues, concussion, vertigo, bowel issues, and one functioning ear.

We have three children of which one i am the biological parent, but i love them all the same.
I do not see myself as a step dad as i feel it is a horrible term.
You are either doing the job or you are not, so you are either a Mum or Dad, or not.

After the birth of our last child 4 years ago, my partners conditions worsened and our intimacy went out of the window.
She has no libido at all and insists the man has to take control.
I believe it takes two, last time i checked!
On the very odd occasion that i have took control i have been rebuffed with whichever ailment she is suffering from the worst.

I have always had a high drive, and feel that i am in my early forties and not dead yet!
I have decades of fornication in me!

So, are there any other people out there in a similar situation?
I am not suggesting anything along the lines of cheating, but what other options are there available?
Or do i have to accept the fact that my sex life ended at 38, and i am destined to remain celibate.

I look forward to your responses.

I hope nobody thinks i am being self centred as i am far from it.

Thanks.

dark^knight

Have you thought of marriage counselling?

AndyBlue1975

Lots of times but she doesn't feel we need counselling.

Mojisola

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

My partner has several ailments consisting of a number of degenerative spinal issues, concussion, vertigo, bowel issues, and one functioning ear.

I don't think I'd feel very much like having nooky with those health problems.

fairy_lights

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Lots of times but she doesn't feel we need counselling.

If you're not happy with the situation though then you do need it. Does she know how you feel? If she does and still refuses to discuss it or consider counselling then that's not a good sign for the future of your relationship.

missbiggles1

I'd be more concerned about making sure that she gets good treatment for all her conditions rather than getting your leg over!

AndyBlue1975

I make sure she gets the best treatment available for her ailments.
I go with her to all her hospital appointments, and provide support for the bad days.
I do all the heavy hard tasks in the house such as ironing, shopping, etc.
The kids muck in too when and where they can.

Looking back over this thread i feel selfish now and should not have started it.

gonzo127

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

I make sure she gets the best treatment available for her ailments.
I go with her to all her hospital appointments, and provide support for the bad days.
I do all the heavy hard tasks in the house such as ironing, shopping, etc.
The kids muck in too when and where they can.

Looking back over this thread i feel selfish now and should not have started it.

personally i dont think it is selfish, if it is a concern of yours and your wife is not willing to talk about it then getting it off your plate is not selfish.

for myself i do think physical intimacy is important, or at least it always has been to me, yes her illness is very important, but so are your needs, as i know from personal experience that constant rebuffs and no physical contact/intimacy does effect your own self worth/image/confidence, and looking back at my life in that situation i actually ended up seriously depressed which was effecting my own health.

now i dont know about her conditions, but i can guess she does not feel sexual etc with what she is suffering with, which i can understand, i also expect that with you saying they are degenerative that its not something you can just wait for it to get better, so i think she in some ways is being selfish to a certain degree by not talking about it.

ok so i dont have a solution for you, as i can only really see a few realistic results from this

you dont talk about it - you either stay celibate, cheat or split.

you do talk about it - you find ways around your issues without impacting her issues, nothing can change (see above), nothing does change (see above)

nothing is for certain, as i stated my personal experience was not even bogged down with serious illnesses, we did talk, we did go to counselling, but nothing changed and I ended up leaving, as i personally could not live in a sexless marriage (at the age of 30)

since then because i have started getting better from my depression, i have lost roughly 3 stone in weight (although i am still slightly overweight), stopped smoking, stopped drinking as much as i used too - honestly i would get through at least one whole bottle of vodka every weekend, i am also starting to reconnect with friends that i had cut out of my life etc.

LilElvis

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

I make sure she gets the best treatment available for her ailments.
I go with her to all her hospital appointments, and provide support for the bad days.
I do all the heavy hard tasks in the house such as ironing, shopping, etc.
The kids muck in too when and where they can.

Looking back over this thread i feel selfish now and should not have started it.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. To have a partner who is unwilling to even discuss the problem must feel like a further rejection.

Is there any intimacy at all? Kissing, cuddling, hand holding?

AndyBlue1975

Hi.

Yes there are rare moments of cuddling, kissing and holding hands.
Which she initiates about the same as i do.

Mojisola

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Looking back over this thread i feel selfish now and should not have started it.

LilElvis wrote: »

I don't think you're being selfish at all. To have a partner who is unwilling to even discuss the problem must feel like a further rejection.

I don't think you're being selfish but there may be other approaches which can take the pressure off her while bringing some intimacy back into your lives.

If she rejects most intimacy because she thinks it will always lead to penetration and that's uncomfortable for her or she's just not feeling responsive, would she be willing to try other things?

If she's not willing to discuss your feelings and needs, she isn't being fair to you.