Am I The Only One?

anotheruser

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Looking back over this thread i feel selfish now and should not have started it.

It's not selfish.

You are concerned with helping your partner but she should also recognise this is something you need too.

Unfortunately, men are wired up differently to women, and as such our desires and needs are different. Yes you can control them to an extent but ultimately, it's hard for any female to understand - just like men will NEVER understand the pain of childbirth or period cramps...

svain

ripplyuk wrote: »

I agree. They should stay single though.

Or, perhaps it would be better to make it clear to their partner, at the beginning of a relationship, that they'll cheat if their sexual 'needs' aren't being met.

I wonder what people like that would do if their partner had a bad accident and ended up paraplegic, or needed full time care, or had a stroke, or suffered from depression, etc. Or what if they just put on weight or got a bit wrinkly? Everyone has their 'deal breakers', as do I, but it's only fair that both parties know what they are, before committing to each other.

Its very easy to trivialise the physical aspect of a relationship as a less important. For many its a crucial part of a relationship. For some it can be the cement that helps keep them together.
Why is it readily acceptable for one of the couple to be deprived of this side of the relationship without at least exploring how to get round it??.
Im not suggesting its for everyone (i didnt when in the same boat, but my situation was 7 years, and not a lifetime .... but i can understand why someone might) ... however sweeping under the carpet without a proper and frank conversation of the long term implications will potentially divide the couple anyway.

AylesburyDuck

Is it just idea of the pain from having full sex that puts her off, or indeed as you say a low libido.
If its the pain that bothering her then maybe suggest other intimate ways you can both get pleasure without penetration maybe?
And, have you also told her exactly how you feel, if she doesnt know she cant change it.

AndyBlue1975

Hi and thanks to everyone for your insights.

I feel that there are many people in a similar situation like me.
I also feel that it is a bit of a taboo subject.

I raised my thoughts and feelings in a civilised adult manner yesterday evening.
I was met with a wall of silence as she turned on her side to listen to videos on her tablet.
This morning there was a bit of a frank discussion about how she has been feeling.
However, the topic of the big white elephant in the room was avoided.

I guess it is a work in progress or facing facts that as an italian man, i have to direct my fiery romantic passion elsewhere.
Like maybe a classic car......

fierystormcloud

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Hi and thanks to everyone for your insights.

I feel that there are many people in a similar situation like me.
I also feel that it is a bit of a taboo subject.

I raised my thoughts and feelings in a civilised adult manner yesterday evening.
I was met with a wall of silence as she turned on her side to listen to videos on her tablet.
This morning there was a bit of a frank discussion about how she has been feeling.
However, the topic of the big white elephant in the room was avoided.

I guess it is a work in progress or facing facts that as an italian man, i have to direct my fiery romantic passion elsewhere.
Like maybe a classic car......

I really hope your posts aren't serious.

gonzo127

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Hi and thanks to everyone for your insights.

I feel that there are many people in a similar situation like me.
I also feel that it is a bit of a taboo subject.

I raised my thoughts and feelings in a civilised adult manner yesterday evening.
I was met with a wall of silence as she turned on her side to listen to videos on her tablet.
This morning there was a bit of a frank discussion about how she has been feeling.
However, the topic of the big white elephant in the room was avoided.

I guess it is a work in progress or facing facts that as an italian man, i have to direct my fiery romantic passion elsewhere.
Like maybe a classic car......

good luck with that, not sure if it will help or not.

i still stand by the fact she is being selfish at the moment by being unwilling to talk about things and i worry what is going to happen over time.

from my experience, as stated previously, i had a similar issue in the fact my marriage was sexless, ok so my wife didnt have the serious health issues yours does, but over the course of the marriage i tried raising the issue it was for me, and she ignored it, i never pushed the subject and carried on with life,

i started doing more chores around the house, i was doing my own thing and her doing her own thing, never really approaching the big white elephant that hung over us, after years of this, she made one little comment in passing, which just hit me like a brick in the face, and i realised that not only didnt i love her any more, but i didnt even really like her, or know her any longer,

the years of rejections, hurt and resentment at not only, not meeting my needs, but actually being unwilling to even acknowledge them, had built up to the point that we were actually leading two completely separate lives in which we hardly spent any time together. i still dont know if we stopped spending time together because we might have to acknowledge the big white elephant, or if it was purely down to the fact i resented her, or she resented me because of my 'demands' but it still ended up in the same position that we had arranged our lives so that we spent the bare minimum amount of time in each others company as possible

indiepanda

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Hi and thanks to everyone for your insights.

I feel that there are many people in a similar situation like me.
I also feel that it is a bit of a taboo subject.

I raised my thoughts and feelings in a civilised adult manner yesterday evening.
I was met with a wall of silence as she turned on her side to listen to videos on her tablet.
This morning there was a bit of a frank discussion about how she has been feeling.
However, the topic of the big white elephant in the room was avoided.

I guess it is a work in progress or facing facts that as an italian man, i have to direct my fiery romantic passion elsewhere.
Like maybe a classic car......

Well, if she is starting to talk that's promising. Don't give up yet, keep the communication going until she has listened to you.

I feel for you, I know marriage vows say in sickness and in health, but no one really knows what it will be like if the sickness comes. Maybe accepts its likely to be a feature of old age but not when still quite young.

My dad has had to deal with multiple bouts of depression in my mother starting from just after I was born to the point in recent years he's been much more like her carer than her husband. He wouldn't dream of leaving her, but they are clearly both irritated by each other now as they'v just spent too much time cooped up in the house (as mum has been highly resistant to leaving it).

Selfishly, I am grateful Dad is the dutiful type as if he had left her she wouldn't cope on her own, but it's not been the retirement I would have wanted for him. The balance of power has seemed wrong for decades - her sickness and unwillingness to do much beyond take pills to tackle it (won't engage with talking therapies for example) has curtailed both their lives.

-taff

I know someone in this position and I'm afraid I'd be advising a discreet ffair too, since some people can emotionally divorce themselves and have sex without getting attached.

In my friends case, not only has sex gone out the window, but so has every other type of phyisical touch, like hugging, holding hands, cuddling on the sofa, kissing.

I don't think no matter how nice/selfless a person you are, you can exist in a partnership with no physical intimacy unless that;s the way you want it. Touching is a major way to feel connected to people, not only your partner, but hugging for example, your friends and family too. You start resenting the person for not meeting your needs as they start to resent you for pressurising them [or what they see as pressurising]

Gloomendoom

AndyBlue1975 wrote: »

Like maybe a classic car......

I have three classic cars.

Sorry to disillusion you, but I really can't see them as a substitute for a decent sex life.

Mr_Toad

I have to say that if this thread had been started by a woman there would have plenty of messages of support and probably advice along the lines that she didn't get married to be a nurse and general dogsbody at the expense of her own needs and desires.

However, despite the fact that OP loves his wife the general consensus seems to be that he suck it up, keep it in his trousers and just carry on for the rest of their lives.