Absolutely crushed by what I've seen. Need advice on what to do. :(

emberlyn

Hi all,

I've just returned home after seeing my long distance boyfriend for a few days. I'm 18 and he's 27. We met on an online game this time last year and started to grow really close this summer. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. We've spoken online for several hours every single day since July and met in person for the first time in October. He had only just broken up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before we met, so we didn't become a couple until recently. He's been such a gentleman knowing I'm so much younger than him and still a virgin, and has said he wants to take things slow because he respects me so much.

I was worried about us getting together so quickly so soon after ending things with his girlfriend because he was with her for such a long time and she was closer to his age, but he managed to make me feel so much better and ease my worries. He said he had been unhappy with his girlfriend for a very long time and had fallen out of love and that I'm the one he loves. Apparently she was completely selfish and possessive of him. It made him miserable and he could never have a life outside of her. She used him and neglected him.

I had such a lovely time with my boyfriend the last few days. Saturday we arranged to go out with one of his friends who I also know from the online game we play together. My boyfriend asked me to text his friend to let him know he was running late, so I grabbed his phone and did so. I was so upset and shocked at what I then saw...

His ex girlfriends name was quite high up in his list of text messages. I knew they were still talking — my boyfriend made me aware of this and said she's been having a hard time with the break up and pestering him a lot because she knows he's with me now. However, when I saw the most recent message under her name I quickly became aware this wasn't what was going on... My heart was racing and I panicked, my emotions got the better of me, so I clicked her name and saw my boyfriend had sent her loads of texts without a response from her. The last message she actually sent to him was 3 weeks ago. She told him she couldn't be friends with him because she loved him too much but she would be fine, and told him not to worry about her and that she just wanted him to be happy even if it couldn't be with her. He has sent her like 5 text messages since with no response from her at all... He was saying he hoped she was okay, that he really missed her and their time together, talking with her and hanging out with her, and that he thought the world of her and always would.

I don't know what to do or even think. I didn't tell him I saw the messages as it's just so wrong and inappropriate that I looked in the first place, and I just want to pretend I never did... It was so hard being around him the rest of the weekend, but we've been talking online all day together and he seems happy and so am I. I love him so much. What he said to his ex is still in the back of my mind though and it's really upsetting me. I'm so shocked because he seems so happy with me and I thought he was totally over her. What do you guys think?

UPDATE 14/12/2016
I'm going to see my boyfriend this Friday but I'm wondering if I should cancel my train tickets... I've been really upset and bothered about his ex, so I've been confiding in his friend I mentioned above (my bf knows him RL and he is also in our guild on the MMO we play.) I've told him my worries and he's been really really sweet and promised he won't tell my boyfriend anything. He told me something and tbh it's upset me even more and is making me wonder if I should just cancel my tickets... He said a couple of weeks ago when he was over my bf's house, his ex came on Skype and my bf messaged her. He paused the YouTube video they were watching the SECOND her name popped up. From what his friend remembers, my bf said something like, 'hello? hope you're doing okay. I've really missed our chats!' and she blocked him. His friend said he's going to keep an eye out for more 'signs' for me, but tbh I feel this sign is bad enough... I know his ex is ignoring him so nothing is probably going on, but I just feel this means he's not over her if he's messaging her the SECOND she comes online, and even stopping what he's doing to do it. AND saying he misses her AGAIN. *sigh* Really annoyed right now and if you guys agree with me and think this is a BIG problem I'm gonna just cancel my tickets.

Primrose

I think you need to step back from your emotions. He has not been with you long enough to love you. Perhaps this isJust is way of speaking affectionately to you. It doesn,t mean he plans to marry you. He probably does still have fond memories of his time together with his earlier girlfriend. These are normal human emotions and not all relationship end on an acrimonious note. Stop taking yiur relationship with him so seriously. You can't own his emotions. Just take a step at a time and see how the relationship develops over time.

missbiggles1

You only met him a couple of months ago - step back.

Bogalot

He's not over her.

She probably wasn't selfish and possessive of him. It's a line.

He's trying to have his cake and eat it. Tell him to jog on.

How much time have you actually spent with this person in real life?

BrassicWoman

imagine you have a real life b/f and he's spending hours every day in a game you don't play talking to a girl who is much younger than him, possibly behind your back.

Would that lead to you asking if you could do more stuff together?

Could a selfish man interpret that as being possessive?

I would not want him back either.

I would be very cautious; he sounds creepy to me. I'm an online gamer too, but I know people are very very different in real life. May one tenth of those I have met in RL that I used to raid with were anything like they presented themselves.

Danger, proceed with extreme caution.

LilElvis

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

He was talking to you every day from July but only split with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before you physically met in October. Did his then girlfriend know he was talking to you whilst he was still in a relationship with her? Would you be happy if he starts talking daily online to other women whilst he's in a relationship with you? Of course he may well already be doing just that. Hardly sounds like a gentleman to me.

Knightsuntold

I think deep down, you do know what to think. There's unfinished business between him and his ex girlfriend. You've discovered that he's the one driving contact, even though he told you that she's the one having a hard time with the break up and pestering him, so he's lying to you too. He told you that she was selfish, possessive and made him miserable, but you've seen the proof that he misses her, misses their time together, misses talking to her and hanging out with her. More lies to you. There's also a good chance that he knew you would read those messages - why couldn't he send the text himself?

I know it's hard, and it will hurt like hell, but you need to walk away from this one. I'm not saying that he doesn't care for you, but I don't think he cares enough for you. You're worth so much more than this.

melanzana

Why didn't he text his friend himself?

Was he too busy gaming or something? Maybe he wanted you to find the messages to his ex. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is unusual to have someone else use your phone when he could send a quick text himself. Or is there something I'm missing re people's phones these days or what.

thorsoak

Walk away. NOW!

enthusiasticsaver

I would say that he is not ready for another relationship and saying he loves you when in reality you hardly know each other is a bit full on IMHO. Speaking online is not a relationship in itself and as you only really met him in October in real life you need to give yourself time to decide how you feel about him.

As for him effectively lying about his ex and contacting her even though he told you that he didn't want anything to do with her that is a massive flag you cannot trust him. I would come clean and tell him you saw the messages as a relationship built on lies is not going to work. You may have to chalk this one up to experience and walk away.

Tiddlywinks

Adults have conversations - they talk to each other. If you can't talk to him then the relationship is not going anywhere anyway.

Just ask your BF for his take on this and then make up your mind.

Take into account that he was flirting with you whilst gaming online and still with his GF - only you can decide if that's your kind of ideal man.