The Illuminative Project.

Chandelier.

So last night went as well as it could. There was no drama and no tears. There was actually no negative emotion on my side. We caught up with one another's lives, spoke about different things and then went our separate ways. I paid for the meal which came in at £28.00- he tried to give me £20.00 towards it stating that he felt he should because I'm a single parent blah blah blah. I refused this as in the past he paid for most things including many meals out and I felt it was only fair to pay this time and I can at least say I left it all on good terms. It felt weird in a way closing that chapter but I've now shut down any forms of communication and know it's for the best. We both looked at one another and agreed this- I think we both know deep down if we carried on speaking to one another it would cause all sorts of issues. That's what it is I guess- some form of attachment issue on both sides. The time we had was brilliant- when I was well. Sadly during that point I got really poorly and things took a massive decline. He made a comment stating he doesn't know who the real me is anymore and what was real in the past. I didn't even know how to answer that really, I don't think I really know myself. But what I do know is it doesn't matter anymore. I've wished him well in everything he does .

On reflection it's been a tough three years. I think due to my mental health not being under control that's what made it harder. However I feel much stronger these days and able to finally walk away and accept the past is the past. I know what I'm capable of and I'm slowly rediscovering the good sides of myself- the ones I'd forgotten.

I've been playing around with money calculators this morning. I decided to see if I was eligible for a 0% money transfer with a 1.99% fee for 24 months. I've been accepted for £3600. So I'll use that to pay some off my loan. I don't think it will save me a huge amount of interest but will save some.

My loan currently stands at: £8983.12 (£8447.82 if paid in full today- obviously not happening).

They stated I should be able to transfer £3353.27 into my account. Which I'd automatically pay off the loan leaving £5629.85.

That would clearly leave me with two separate debts rather than the one I have now. The idea would be for me to pay just above minimum on the 0% credit card for the next 12 months and focus on over paying loan as much as possible. Then once the loan is finished, attack the 0% card before deadline.

I don't know why I've decided to do this. I just have. I want my debt free date to be in 24 months time. This means cutting back in lots of places further. I'm going to cut back on saving money with useless interest rates at the moment and focus on clearing this as much as possible. Once I'm rid of all of this I'll probably be able to relax more.

Bobarella

Sounds quite intense Chandelier. Hope you will be ok.

Chandelier.

Bobarella it's been an intense couple of years to be honest looking back. I thought each year would get easier somehow but it hasn't. I'm just hoping things do ease off a bit and I can control my emotions more.

I think messing around yesterday morning looking at different options money wise was probably a way of coping and having control of at least something if you get what I mean?

I don't know I like to confuse things.

Last night was a pretty bad night. I kept getting tightenings in my chest and short of breath- most likely anxiety related or related to new medication. I shall persevere though and not give up. I'll just document these as I go along in a mood diary.

I've only one more present to buy now for my best friend. I'm stuck of ideas of what to get. I need to get my thinking cap on. She's so hard to buy for but I love her and her family immensely- they're my second family and I'm so grateful for them.

I've not much going on today. I think I may start my bullet journal I bought a few weeks ago. I needed my head to be a lot clearer though before I started.

Tomorrow I have the boy's Christmas morning and then Friday I have two outpatient appointments. A pre op assessment and ENT follow up. I'm still very much deaf, a bit of pain present and it feels weird still. I also still have some fluid leaking from my ear. It's bugging me that I'm still feeling deaf.

Anyhow I best crack on with my morning.

To those who may read, have a good day.

Cheeseface

Bless you, you have a lot going on. I am a complete control freak and also feel very anxious when I lose or have no control over a situation.

I hope all the hospital appointments go ok.

Chandelier.

I guess I do Cheeseface. I too am a control freak with many aspects of my life. I need and thrive off routine and when it goes out the window, well then I began to get anxious and tetchy.

Still no sign of lost item. Yesterday I emptied every single box in my room to no avail. I just need to put them back now. Oops. I just don't understand where it could have gone. It's a big black hard drive for crying out loud. It's all the photos from the past six years of me and the boy. I truly am heartbroken. It doesn't make sense.

Today I have quite a few deliveries heading my way. One for me, some for my mum and one for a friend. I kindly used my accounts to get free delivery.

No sign of money transfer from couple of days ago. I'll phone up and query it. I've not even recieved any emails but the application stated it would be within my bank in 24 hours. So I'm a bit confused as I was accepted and what not. If I have to wait I'm fine by that. I'd just rather know.

It's the boys Christmas morning sing a long at school. I've managed to get his dad to come along. His dad usually has an excuse why he can't come to these things.. He's working, he's tired etc. I think I've heard every one in the book.

I forgot to say I'd purchased tickets to see a local show on Christmas Eve. My mum is giving me the money back for them though. It will be a nice time hopefully.

I'm hoping after my op next Tuesday that things are okay and I'm not in too much pain.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Chandelier.

Evening .

I'm happy to say my Christmas shopping is completed!! I just need to wrap the final few items now. I can't believe how organised I am this year to be honest. Usually I leave all the wrapping to Christmas eve. Although there is no time for that this year with everything going on.

I really enjoyed watching my boys Christmas sing along on Thursday. He looked so happy and carefree, just as he should be. However the school definitely know how to reel you in to buy things. £2 on Christmas decs the boy made and a couple of quid for the raffle. For some reason the boy's Dad decided to cough up- this is unusual for him! I then spent some time with my mum who had the day off work.

On Friday I had appointments galore at the hospital. My pre op only took 20 mins however my ENT appointment wad running late by an hour. I've to go back for further review next Friday as they are unsure what's going on. I've had antibiotics, ear drops and goodness knows what else. The consultant has tried an alternative treatment in hope that it works. If not then further investigations . I'm nervous for Tuesday. At the moment there is a bed crisis and lots of operations are being cancelled. I hope this isn't the case for me as it should be a day procedure. I just want it over and done with.

Today has been a bit of an up and down day. I woke up late this morning and was very disorientated.. Rushed the boy to his football practice and then went home. The boy went out for the afternoon to a show with his dad's side of family and had a great time. During this time, I managed to have a nap.... A four hour nap. Oops. I'm very tired due to medication I'm on. I'm holding out it soon settles though and my sleep pattern becomes more regular.

I'm still waiting to hear back re the money transfer. If I don't hear anything by Monday I'll phone them up and enquire.

Tonight I'm off to do a favour for a friend and babysit whilst she has her work night out. Hopefully I won't be home too late as one of her family members should come round to take over.

That's it really.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Cheeseface

Hooray to Christmas shopping being finished! I hope that this week goes ok.

Chandelier.

I've just paid an extra 83.19 off my loan to reduce it now to £8900. Still awaiting the money transfer. I shall contact MBNA today if possible as they sent a text regarding direct debit set up.

I'm wanting to make a plan in my head for the next couple of months regarding my outgoings as I'll have to minimise these for a short while. I'll post it later. I'm going to have a long hard think of how I will manage this.

Today is going to be a lazy day. I've been up since half 7 and I'm exhausted. I made the boy a surprise Christmas breakfast which consisted of Christmas tree shaped crumpets, a hot chocolate with snowman marshmallows and a christmassy cake bar. It's not every day we have breakfasts like this!!

Happy Sunday everyone.

in_need_of_direction

That sounds like a great Christmas breakfast. Well done you.

Cheeseface

All around to chandelier's for brekkie!