The Illuminative Project.

monz

aw 13 reasons why is amazing! honestly gave me a new approach how i feel towards internet and some people i called friends..

JoJoC

Glad the sun is brightening things up for you in more ways than one - I think a dry and bright day really makes all the difference to my outlook. I am so much more productive when the weather is dry.

13 Reasons Why is great - we watched the whole lot last week and it really gave me food for thought. It's true that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It was pretty brutal to watch at points but really effective.

Chandelier.

So it seems I can't get my head into 13 reasons why. I read the book but I'm struggling with the TV series. I think my minds elsewhere and I have been watching it on my phone. I think after work tonight I'll sit down again and try. The book was different and people said read that before watching but I found it hard to follow.

So payday has been and gone. I've transferred the money to a separate account until I work out next months budgets. I've still yet to do that.

I've so much I need to do but lack motivation. My heads in holiday mode and I can't wait to go now. Just over two weeks until we jet off into the sun and I can forget everything back here. I still need to pick up a few things like sandals/shoes etc. I also need to phone the taxi company and double check the booking.

I'm at work today and my mood is rather low. I'm hoping that improves once I get there with the people I'm working with. I just need a firm kick up the butt. Anyone feel free haha!!

Jojo you're right, the dry bright weather definitely makes a difference.

Yesterday I had a few spends, some non essential but either way it didn't top more then £25. I just like pretty new notepads, pens, accessories etc.

At least it's Friday and the weekend!

Chandelier.

Morning.. So it's been a good amount of days since I've last posted. Alot of things have gone on since then. I'm not as well as I could be but I'm managing to keep it together. I'm just holding on to the fact I go away next week and I'll have a break from everything.

Im working the next four days, all long hours. Aside from Wednesday where I have a hair appointment in the afternoon. I'm pretty excited for that and will at least feel pampered.

It's funny how when life throws funny things your way, the way you react. I've been in some pretty dire situations just lately with very low moods. When reaching out for help I get told I'm doing a great job at managing everything I do. It's not always because I want to, it's because I have too. I've no choice. I have to work, I have to get up each day and do the things I have to do. I'm told I'm too hard on myself, but what else can I be? My drive is always too high. Work keeps me grounded because its something out of my control. I have no choice in the things I do and it gives me some sort of normality.

Yet when I'm home I just seem to fall to pieces. It's like I don't want to be here but I've nowhere else to go. I don't want to move out, I love my home and living with my mum. I think I'm just not in love with life at the moment and nothing is clearing that hazy view.

I've been reading up alot on bipolar disorder and can relate to many people. The one thing I can't get my head around is the mixed moods though. I want them gone. I'd rather be one emotion then two at the same time. I'm due a medication review tomorrow with my consultant. No doubt I'll pour everything out there. My CPN has been hard to get in contact with and I haven't heard anything for near enough two weeks now. I've reached out to on duty and the crisis team which both were no help. I guess the only way they'd help was if I was at the point of attempting suicide. I don't ever want to reach that point so I guess it's me on my own trying to fight my way out of this. I won't lie, it's exhausting.

I do set my bar too high but it's because I want to feel as if I've achieved something. That sense of satisfaction of something in my life.

It's not to say I'm not grateful for other things. I have my physical health, my son, my family and a roof over my head so I'm rich in many ways.

I hope my next post is a more positive one. I'm off to work now.

SpekySquarehead

Morning Chandelier,

I hope you feel a bit better soon and thoughts and feelings become clearer. I can't really comment as I haven't been in those shoes before but you know there's a forum full of people here to help.

Chandelier.

Morning.

It's been another few days since I've last posted. My mood is slightly improving, I'm just exhausted. I was admitted to hospital with a UTI which I've had for three weeks (antibiotics didn't shift it- 3 courses) so they hooked me up with some IV antibiotics for a few days and then I've come home and I need to rest. I also saw my consultant on Tuesday who did a full medication review and has changed my meds and I'm back to see him in four weeks time. So maybe I'm getting somewhere..

We go away on Monday and I'm nowhere near organised. Today's plan is to get everything together for that. I'll write a big list of what I need and start gathering it together.

My car finally went in for its service whilst I was in hospital. The boys dad took it in for me. Thats one of the nicest things he's done in a while for me and one less stress to worry about.

The boy has also lost another tooth! It was his top front one and he's a lovely big gap. He was excited for it to be gone as it's been wobbly for the past 9 months lol. According to his school friends he'd get a tenner for a tooth- the tooth fairies that visit them must be loaded. The boy got a fiver from the tooth fairy at his nanny's.. We usually give a quid lol!

On the debt front, most payments have come out for this month. I've no idea of the totals but I can work that out later. I'm trying not to worry or obsess about these totals. I'm affording repayments each month and overpaying. I've also transferred some funds over to a savings account (ready for car tax/car insurance in Aug/Sep).

For our hols, I've got €300 for the two weeks. We are all inclusive and probably will not venture out the hotel that much. We have a few meals planned but I'm hoping to keep costs down. I just need to withdraw some money for the taxi to the airport. I'll pay one way, friends will pay the other. Travel insurance is all sorted and I just need to check in online and print all boarding passes and details.

Aside from that I now just need to try on all my summer clothes and sort my stuff to pack. I'll be glad when it's all done!

SpekySquarehead

Hope you enjoyed the holiday and has some well deserved rest!

Chandelier.

Speky... still here. I've a new diary