The Illuminative Project.

Chandelier.

Morning (nearly afternoon!),

This weekend has been a quiet one for me and the boy. He attended his football yesterday and then we went back home and played with his toys and just generally had a chill out day, I managed to finish a book I had started reading. The plan for today is to start yet another book and just chill myself out, its been a long time since I have engrossed myself in reading. Its a lot easier these days to use an app on my phone and read anywhere I like. I have an annual subscription to a site where I can download as many books as I like and its cheap as chips so definitely worth it for me.

Yesterday was a NSD bringing my total to 11/12 NSD. I suspect today shall also be a NSD as I do not plan on leaving the house. The boy has gone to his dads and I have some time spare to reflect on a few things.

The low mood I have been feeling over the past week/two weeks is still there. I am aware of what has triggered this and will discuss with my own nurse tomorrow if I can get hold of her. I tried to speak to someone from the team on Friday to be told to take the 'just in case meds- in case of crisis'. I am not in crisis but I am beginning to question some of the medications I am taking- mainly the mood stabilizer. Before this was introduced I was having many good days and felt a lot happier- since this new tablet has been introduced I have definitely been having more up and down days. I am just so irritable, more than ever before and I feel I can't be the person I want to be. I feel its having an impact on family relationships- I don't want to do anything, I am not engaging, I am stressing more easily and so on. I am also aware a lot of this could be due to environmental factors/stresses.

In other news, I have received the switching incentive from FD which has perked me up a bit and hopefully will add to the March budget and alleviate some of the pressures of at tight budget. That's an extra £125, happy days. I am happy with everything banking wise so far.

Maybe not too MSE... I have booked myself in for a hair appointment this upcoming week. I've decided to opt for a full fringe. Another drastic change :rotfl:. I will need my roots/colour touching up in a couple of weeks after that. I will find the money somewhere for this.

I have also been pondering over whether to buy myself a new laptop. The current one is at least 6 years old and takes forever to load. I think I shall wait it out and see how I feel after the new tax year. I have my car service coming up in April so I have that to budget for. It would be silly of me to dive head first in and buy myself a laptop just because I want it. There is the sensible person in me.

I am also going to attempt to see if my mum had any PPI on previous loans/credit etc. Im 99% sure she does! I just need to dig paperwork out.. She definately did with @rgos but I am not sure how to contact them. I can't find anything online.

Happy Sunday everyone:beer:

Chandelier.

Afternoon.

I've managed the full 12/12 NSD this month which has surprised me with everything going on.

It's been quiet this way for me and nothing much has been going on hence lack of updates.

I've made another overpayment of £55.00 today towards the debt. Off the top of my head I can't think of the total just now.

As it's pancake day we shall be having pancakes later on and have all ingredients in stock. I suspect this shall mean a messy kitchen and lots of wonderful concoctions.

I also think I'm beginning to come out of this dark gloomy period I've had the past couple of weeks.

Tomorrow I have another work meeting, fingers crossed it's positive and I've resigned to the fact I need to be open to ideas to support my return to work and professional development. Maybe I need to accept the offer of help but I need it all clear in writing.

Less than a week to Berlin and I'm beginning to feel excited.

I've still yet to claim the money from TCB, I shall do that afterwards. And I also need to make final payment for my holiday in May.

Hope everyone is well.

JoJoC

I'm glad that the dark cloud is lifting for you, Chandelier. It must be a horrible feeling, but glad you're coming out the other side of it.

I hope that tomorrow's meeting goes well and you and your employers can work on a plan that suits everyone regarding your return to work. I think it's a good idea to go in with an open mind and be open to suggestions regarding support. There's no harm in accepting help

Oh, I didn't know you were going to Berlin! Have you been before? I went six years ago (this time of year) and it was one of the loveliest cities I've visited. Have a great time when it comes.

Chandelier.

Jojo I've never been. Any recommendations of places to visit/eat or must sees? I'm going with an old best friend from high school. I'm not even sure how much money to take with me spends wise.

JoJoC

Of course - as I said, it was six years ago since I was there but a few places I'd recommend are Brandenburg Gate (really spectacular), the Reichstag, we also went a walking tour to Sachsenhausen (a 're-education' camp, as opposed to a concentration camp, although it pretty much was the same thing). I also LOVED (<-- wrong word, maybe?) the Holocaust Museum - it was so interesting and devastating in equal measure.

The train system is great, cheap and really easy to use and the food was great, although I can't remember specific places that we ate.

I don't think it was particularly cheap, probably just about the same as here, but then we made it cheap by staying in a lovely hostel (private room) and eating during the day was mostly Bratwurst/ Currywurst from street stalls The beer, of course, was exceptional!

Chandelier.

Brilliant! Thanks JoJo, I'll check them all out later.

We'll I've had my meeting this morning. In some ways it's both positive and negative.

Positives
- Aiming for return to work/potential date set.
- I've been told I will be well supported.
- I've worked this area before, have little idea/knowledge of it.
- Hopefully finances can return back to some degree of normality.
- Can work towards professional development.
- They are willing to be flexible with phased return and work with me regarding shift patterns etc.
- Finally get some routine back.
- Meet new people/make new friends.

Negatives
- It's not the area I previously worked in. I'm being placed in new area for support in successful return to work.
- New environment- wonder how this will impact. I'm trying to remain positive.
- I'm not 100% sure it's right for me. I'm willing to give it a go.
- I twiddle and fidget with my fingers alot and hands. This is a coping mechanism. They stated they were concerned this was sign I was distracted or not concentrated. I reiterated it was actually the other way round. This was backed up by my CPN. She gave them fuller picture of things in relation to me.
- My old job had lots of driving- another issue they embark upon. Concerned re drowsiness. I don't have drowsiness during day it's at night after taking meds. They kept reiterating this so I just back down.

So basically I was left with one option. I've decided to embark upon this or else I fear I could further halt my career. It's been 18 months since I came into it and due to ill health (three operations and this but of sickness) I've been unable to complete somethings. I'm determined to come out the other side and prove them all wrong.

I just don't think they understand me but as I said, I'll do what it takes to prove all wrong and get myself back to where I want to be.

I'm now awaiting a meeting with manager of work place where I'll be placed. It's just another stepping stone. One step back in order to take two steps forward.

In other news yesterday was a NSD.
So total for February was 13/12 NSD.

However I fear today will not be. My favourite coat seems to have a broken zipper which can not be fixed. The pockets are also ripped which I was hoping to at some point to sew back together. It's been a good coat and has definitely been worth its money. It literally is like a sleeping bag ha ha.

So after I've picked the boy up from school I'll nip to retail park near us and see what is available. If all else fails I'll nip into town tomorrow.

I'm off to my group CBT shortly. I just need to make myself some lunch.

Nothing much else to report.

SpekySquarehead

Hey Chandelier, how's things?

Good news on having a date set to return to work. As you say, the normality of a regular income again should hopefully help with everything else. Well done you for going for it!

Chandelier.

Hey Speky, things have been going okay ish. I just haven't been on here much with everything going on, I've mainly been lurking.

I'm now back from Berlin (came back Thursday) and had an amazing time and did lots of sightseeing. I took €180 with me and came back with €60 euro so overall not too bad. We mostly spent on food and travel. The travel expenses there are pretty cheap compared to here as you can use all sorts of travel from trains to trams to buses all included on the same ticket- about €7 for the day.

I also had a work meeting with new work place where I will be finishing off the rest of my contract. Where I was told I could do core hours like in previous setting (9-5pm), this place is shift work. By the time my phased return is complete I'll only have four weeks left then I shall be going away again for two weeks then my contract ends a couple of days later. I have the backup option of doing bank shifts. In regards to career development and what I need to achieve in this time, that will be discussed on Monday. There are a few things I'm not happy with and I was told it would be fine in this new setting. However I'm looking forward to the new setting as it's a new challenge and many new faces. It's like a fresh start in many ways even though it's for a short time. There isn't much point in dropping my hours to 30 hours at this point. I mays well just see the rest of it out. They seem to be supportive and I've always been open and honest.

Money wise things are very tight. I've not the energy to worry about this though at present time, I have back up funds. I've too much else on my mind and need to sort myself out.

The main thing is getting back into routine. Due to the shift work I'll be undertaking I need to adjust the time I take my medications and start to wake earlier in the morning. The shift patterns starts at 7.30am. It's a 15 minute drive from mine to there and then I'd have to find parking.

I think I'm going to rethink some of my goals from earlier on in the year. As expected not everything worked out as planned. However I'm keen to get back to it.

Bobarella

Good to hear from you.

Chandelier.

Afternoon,

I have decided to review my goals and aims for 2017 that I posted earlier on in the year. As we all know things never go exactly to plan and it can take something small to turn things upside down or go sideways. I feel in many ways I am better equipped both mentally, emotionally and physically to deal with whatever has been thrown at me then maybe previously. This is most likely due to a range of things but I think the biggest reason is I am now able to recognise and understand my reactions and try to not react before thinking things through.

Also having a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and ADHD has helped immensely, I no longer think there is something horrifically wrong with me and that I am a bad person. Through medication and attending a CBT group specific to Bipolar diagnosis I honestly believe I am a different person- I still have my up and down moments probably more than I want but I know it won't last forever and if I carry on cooperating and accepting the help, I know I will get better :heart2:.

So here we go..

March Update 2017

Health

- Lose at least 14lb by 7th May 2017.[STRIKE]Lose 28b before the 7th May 2017[/STRIKE]. Previous goal has not been reached due to one reason or another so new goal set and will work towards in time for holiday.
- [STRIKE]Engage with healthcare professionals to ensure optimized wound healing and no further setbacks with health/further operations. [/STRIKE] By the end of January, wound had healed and discharged from surgical care. However wound reopened end of February and I am closely monitoring before I go back to the doctors and hope it heals itself. I fell and banged the scar tissue and have had intermittent pain since. I want to try and stay aware from another referral. Three operations in 2016 for same issue had totally overwhelmed me.
- Look after my Mental Health. Continue as per previous goal and continue to take medication, keep a mood diary, liaise with mental health team if any changes in moods and seek help where necessary and ascertain potential triggers.
- Exercise. I joined a gym back in January. I have had about two/three weeks off due to personal circumstances and going away, however I am back on it as of this week.
- Practice mindfulness and look up CBT techniques in hope to self teach. I am yet to focus on this 100% and still need to research resources online and find ones to suit me. I have learnt two from CBT group which are helpful short term in stressful scenarios.
- Become tougher and stronger mentally. This is ongoing and is all about learning to say no, being assertive and having confidence and stop the self doubt'overthinking of things- mainly small things that don't matter.
- Drink more water, aim for at least 6 glasses a day. I need to do better with this still!
- Cut down on caffeine. Same as above- I may look at switching to decaff coffee/tea for the later in the day drinks.
- Establish a better sleeping routine. This is still ongoing. I would ideally like at least 7-8 hours each per night and wake up earlier to be more productive. This is hard when medication I am on can make me drowsy. It's all about routine and I need to g et back into it.

Money

- Continue to save in Help to Buy Isa; Have over £5 in there by the end of the year. Currently on track for this, regular payments made each month.
- Pay at least £3000 off total debt. [STRIKE]Pay at least £4000 off the loan.Make regular overpayments. Interest is 3.3%. [/STRIKE] The loan was transferred over to 0% credit cards which saved a good amount of interest. I have lowered the goal of what to pay off debt wise, if I pay more then it's a bonus but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.
- Make minimum monthly payments to 0% credit cards. The past month or so all minimum payments have been met plus small over-payment on some. Once I am back at work and earning a decent income then over-payments shall increase.
- Save up for Car Service (April), Car Tax (July) and Car Insurance (September). Money is set aside for car service next month. The next few months will focus on building funds for the remaining two expenses which I pay annually.
- Set aside money for career registration fees (September). Same as above, will set aside money for this in upcoming months.
- [STRIKE]Pay off holiday with credit card (for security reasons) then use money already saved to pay straight off. [/STRIKE] Holiday paid for on credit card and will pay off 75% in next few days, remaining balance is 0% for the next 9 months but due to unforeseen circumstances I have decided to hold off paying in full to allow for funds to be allocated elsewhere. I have the funds in a separate bank account for this.
- Renew the Boy’s passport. By beginning of March. Will do this this upcoming week, awaiting the boys dads passport details and he is yet to reply even though I have been asking for a good number of days.
- Keep a spending diary. Have yet to do this due to the past few months being all over the place, spends have been minimum. Once my wage returns to normal, I shall look at starting one properly.
- [STRIKE]Switch banks- the 123 account is not worth it for me no more. Plus there are other incentives.[/STRIKE] Bank account switched to FD and £125 joining fee incentive recieved.
- Optimise cash back websites where possible. Currently ongoing and awaiting for cashback to be payable, currently have around £75, half of which still remains confirmed.
- Allocate each penny in the month’s budget. Monthly direct debits go out on the 1st of each month Another ongoing goal for the year, and even though budget and income is reduced massively, I remain in the black in bank accounts.
- [STRIKE]Review direct debits and see if there is anything non-essential to cut out.[/STRIKE] Direct debits reviewed and are cut back to a minimum. Only one more direct debit added which is the gym but at £12.99 a month, its doable without breaking the budget.
- Save for new glasses. This one is not so important and can wait. My glasses are fine as they are just for now.
- Plan for a total of]100 NSD across the year starting from now.[STRIKE]Plan for at least 3 NSD a week (total of 156 NSD over the year.[/STRIKE] Due to circumstances yet again I have not religiously tracked my NSD apart from February. So instead I have decided to lower the bar and start from scratch from now and aim for 100 NSD until the end of the year, if I achieve more then its a bonus.
- [STRIKE]Activate credit cards and set up standing orders/direct debits to each of these. (I did some money transfers to 0% cards).[/STRIKE] All credit cards activated and balances up to date including direct debits above the minimum set up.
- [STRIKE]Cancel old credit cards which are no longer of use to me. (No balance on these)[/STRIKE] All credit cards currently in use are due to money transfer offers which saved me interest from the loan repayments. Once these debts are paid off I shall close each card one by one until I am left with one or two "just in case cards" or to add monthly expenses which would be paid off in full each month.

Family

- Spend more time playing games with the boy and doing arts and crafts. There is room for improvement, everything was going well until things took a bit of a dip and I have not been as interactive as possible so will work on this.
- [STRIKE]Buy annual passes and have plenty of days out with the boy over the next year. [/STRIKE] Annual passes purchased. We have already used one type of pass so far and have yet to pick other up, however this one runs from the time you pick it up for 12 months. It should give us plenty of days out over the upcoming months.
- Play a board game/educational game at least twice a week. [STRIKE]Play a board game/educational game each night with the boy.[/STRIKE] Again in some ways I think I may have been a bit ambitious with this previously, sometimes we do not have the time due to some days being so busy after school. I will try much harder- more game time/less TV time. Its easy sometimes just to sit and watch television when you feel exhausted.
- Have a film night once a week. Ongoing, most weeks we tend to watch at least one film, My current favourite is Up. I absolutely love the colour of the balloons and the storyline.
- Bake at least once or twice a month with the boy- try new recipes! We have baked a couple of times but must try harder here and find different recipes to try.
- Visit family more often and make time for this. Also stay in contact through any forms of communication. This is ongoing, I try my hardest to keep in contact with family and friends as much as possible and try to squeeze in visits where I can. Once I am back in a routine this will get better.
- Get out for more country walks and explore the areas surrounding us. The weather is getting better so more time to do these things in upcoming months.

Work

- [STRIKE]Organise and plan for a return to work. Aiming for end of Jan[/STRIKE] This did not happen due to delays from work side. I am happy to say I am returning to work this upcoming week! :T
- [STRIKE]Set some personal development goals in regards to work.[/STRIKE] All personal development roles thought out carefully and wrote in diary. I may write them briefly on this diary in the future just to remind me. This is one of the main places I write stuff and like to look back on.
- [STRIKE]Pick up sick notes- photocopy and hand them in. [/STRIKE] All sick notes up to date and handed in. Finally no more sick notes due to return to work.
- [STRIKE]Ask to use annual leave pay to boost my income whilst on SSP.[/STRIKE] I did this in the end but it did not benefit me and I actually lost money through this due to something to do with SSP. Lesson learnt.
- Aim for no further sickness/absence. Ongoing goal, nothing much more to comment on.
- Find a better work-life balance. Unable to cut down hours at this moment in time however only have approximately 8/9 weeks left of fixed term contract before it finishes so will just continue. Four weeks of this is phased return. I do not have the choice to do my core hours of 9-5pm as previous setting and will be returning to shift work- will evaluate how I cope with this once back properly.
- Engage more with team members and get to know them more, allow them to get to know me. This can only happen once I return to work place, even though new area. I will try my best to engage and maybe try get myself out of the introvert cycle I have got myself into. I once used to class myself as an extrovert.
- Develop my professional knowledge further and acquire more skills, beneficial to career development. Ongoing goal, further discussions to be held tomorrow regarding this and to look at the best way forward.
- Update work portfolio. This is ongoing goal and will be updated as I complete each specific training competency.
- Look at other job opportunities after fixed term contract ends.[STRIKE] Fixed term contract ends beginning of June; Look for permanent job role around end of April/beginning of May.[/STRIKE] I have back up provisions in place and will be able to undertake work once contract has ended on a zero hour basis and can do as many hours or as little as I would like. In the mean time I will keep my eye open for other job opportunities but I am not going to pressure myself in the time being whilst I am still getting to grips with everything that has happened. In other words I am not setting myself a timescale and rush straight into another job.

Personal

- Organise regular hair appointments. Ongoing goal. I have been stretching hair appointments to around 12 weeks in between cuts and have had a total hairstyle change. At this moment in time I am sporting a full fringe and it totally changed the dynamics of how I look, next time I shall get a cut and colour.
- Journal my thoughts/feelings in the journal I acquired. I need to do this more often.
- Start a jar where I put notes in of things I am grateful for/memories made over the next year. I can then look back on it in the future. I still intend to start this.
- Read 100 books over the next year. I have already read around five books or so, I am not 100% sure but I usually go through phases of reading books and read three or four in a short amount of time.
- Expand my cooking skills; find new recipes and dishes to play around with. Also to try new foods and vary my diet. This is ongoing. I was doing well at trying new recipes and then I lost my motivation. I am keen to get back to it. I am also proud to say that I recently tried rice for the first time in forever, previously I had a phobia (texture and visual) but I overcome this when in Berlin and we went for an Indian! Another staple food to add to my diet.
- Limit social media and slowly come off it. I was doing well with this but somehow reinstalled some apps. I usually skim through when i can't sleep or I am bored. I still believe it is time consuming and pointless and want to get rid as it brings me little joy. I like instagram and pinterest as I can search for quotes and pictures that brighten up my day.
- Sort out my car, give it a deep clean and maintain regular cleaning schedule. Car had deep interior clean in January however its definately due another. I need to get back on top of this and get it washed so this is still an ongoing goal.
- Find a hobby I enjoy. Anyone have any ideas? I am open to suggestions. I know the gym can be classed as a hobby but I would quite like to explore new ones.
- Widen my social circle and make new friends.This shall be an ongoing goal/ Hopefully once I am back at work and in a routine I can maybe get out a bit more and meet new people.
- Increase my confidence and self esteem. This goal is ongoing and will take time and patience.
- Find a pen pal. I have still yet to find a penpal, the sites you can use to find them are often filled with people who aren't looking for penpals but other stuff, weird huh? I have a few stories. I no longer use these sites LOL but I would still somehow like to find a penpal. I miss writing and the old receiving a handwritten letter in the post.
- Improve my social life, catch up with old friends and participate/accept activities when invited. This is an ongoing goal which I am getting better at. An example of this is our recent trip to Berlin and days out with friends. It is just sometimes hard trying to coordinate your schedule with other peoples schedules.
- Keep and maintain a diary with all upcoming appointments and important dates. I am getting there and I am much better at this!
- Learn how to do makeup using internet tutorials and guides. I occasionally do this when I have time and it makes me feel better about myself.
- [STRIKE]Sort all clutter in my bedroom/have a deep clean and sort out.[/STRIKE] My room has recently been cleared out and reorganized. i will probably do another clear out in three months time of things not used since this one.
- Decorate my bedroom and make it my own personal space where I can chill out and relax. Not expecting to do this anytime soon.
- Organise all important paperwork. This still needs sorting, everything is in one pile.
- Develop my own cleaning routine/schedule that isn’t too overwhelming. I have my own ways of doing things and still finding a system that works for me
- Learn to iron (woops). Yeah I am still rubbish at this, lots of room for improvement.
- Wear makeup more and do things with my hair. I have been doing this more often but I am pretty much comfortable without makeup too. It is finding that balance.
- Wear more dresses. Weather has been too cold to wear dresses, roll on Spring and Summer!! :j

So that is pretty much everything reviewed and up to date and I can see where I am with things since the beginning of the year. Later on I hope to give an update the financial side of things.

It has definitely been a weird couple of months and so much has/hasn't happened. I hope my next update in a few months time is a lot more positive.