The Illuminative Project.

JoJoC

Sorry to hear you're having a touch time Chandelier - are you any better this morning?

Stress is difficult to handle and it's such early days that it's no wonder you relied on an old crutch to get you through. As you said, it's just a blip and you must try to find the determination to keep on going.

Hope today, and the weekend, are better for you!

Chandelier.

Return to work meeting didn't go as planned.. Another meeting set up in 10 days time to discuss options of returning. It's completely thrown me.

Another £37 paid to the debts bringing total to £8020.

I just feel so lethargic now. I'm hoping this is not beginning of another slippery slope regarding my mental health when I was doing so well. I've had a few other things thrown into the mix too. Mainly comments by a 'close' relative which she finds funny but I do not.

Ah well.

Chandelier.

So.. I need to explore these feelings and emotions I'm currently going through.

I'm frustrated that my return to work plan didn't go as smooth as I thought it would and it's another waiting game to set a date and explore options. I'm mainly concerned re my income- another month of yet a tight budget.

I also gave in to contacting someone from my past. Mainly for answers re my behavior during that time and trying to analyse where it linked in with the bipolar and whether that was the result of what had happened. I didn't get those answers so the door is closed once again. I feel guilty for even going back there but it's done.

As much as I want to take on all these things I dream of doing, I simply cannot. I need to find the balance. I want to stop smoking finally, that's pretty much my main goal to be honest. I'm aware I may have blips due to what goes on and I need to accept that.

My weight loss is also a big goal I want to pursue. For that I need to be organised and try not to comfort eat. I'm using food as my vice which isn't good. I have everything I need, it's just my moods are affecting it currently.

So I need to do something about it.

The debt busting can take a back seat for a small while. I've sorted everything in regards to that for this month and possibly next.

I'm off to figure out what to do next. This seems such a negative post compared to recent ones and I wish it wasn't. But I guess it's part of the journey. I know it's not going to be an easy one and that I'm going to experience these bumps in the road. Ultimately my health comes first though. As sad as it may be.

Sometimes I'm too much of a proud person to accept help. I need to find a way around that.

I've a list of things that need doing. It's just prioritising what comes first. I need to be kind to myself. That's something I'm still learning.

Bobarella

Sorry to hear you've had a few set backs Chandelier hugs and hoping you feel better soon.

Chandelier.

Thanks Bob, sometimes all it takes is a couple of words to make you feel better.

On Friday I picked the boy up from school, posted a letter and then took him for a hair cut. He looks so much older. We then went for tea at our local Italian. We haven't been for a while. It was lovely.

Yesterday we went looking at wedding venues for my Sister. She's found one and set a provisional date. I'm so ecstatic for her. We also had lunch out whilst there which was lovely. So quite a spendy day to be honest but it was worth it.

I ended up having a late night last night which reflected on my sleep today. I got up around 9ish and then once the boy went to his dad's I fell back asleep till around 2ish. Since then I've just been chilling out and trying to relax. I'm off to the gym later with my mum. I haven't been in two days and I'm missing it quite a bit.

It's half term this coming week so I'll find lots of stuff to do to with the boy that will minimise spends. A friend has asked us to meet up and I need to confirm another outing with a different friend.

I've had a lot of time to reflect the past couple of days. It's been a huge set back for me personally but I want to get back on the positive thinking saddle. In such a short amount of time, alot has changed. I want to get back to that and carry on smiling no matter what life throws at me. I want to learn to be able to cope with these unfortunate events in a way that doesn't take a massive toll on me. I think I need to learn coping skills. This is on my list to do of things to research.

When I go to my group CBT this week I'm going to have an honest chat with the lady who runs it and see about additional sessions if possible. There is also a psychologist there who I may enquire about. If it's there and available, I mays well utilise resources.

I hope everyone's had a nice weekend.

Bobarella

It's not my place to contradict you, so sorry if it sounds like I am. In your whole diary it comes across that you are a very positive person who has dealt with adversity really well and been an amazing Mum. You seem to cope marvelously.

Anyway, just my opinion. I really hope your group goes well.

SpekySquarehead

Morning Chandelier,

You know we're all here to offer support and help in anyway that we can.

I echo what Bob said, you've done fantastically.

Scott_Weiland_2

How are you getting on with the non smoking front?

Chandelier.

Bob and Speky.. thanks! Sometimes it's easy to forget how well you cope. I read back on this diary and the difference in a couple of months make me smile.

It's when things are thrown at me in a situation and I can't react or think straight there and then, it takes me a while to process the whole situation. In regards to the work front I'm going to create a plan of different options I can explore to enable a return that supports me well enough and a personal development plan for the upcoming months. I feel I'm ready to return, work just wants to enable they can support me properly in doing so in an environment that's maybe not as stressful as previous team I was working under. It's a bit frustrating as I am not in control of this but I need to let it go. Money isn't everything.

The boy is happy. The other day he told me I was the best mum in the world as we'd had Italian! Haha... The Italian we go to is a small place and we've got to know them quite well and they always gone that extra mile. The food is brilliant and the boy loves it, they really spoil him there with attention. I'm just planning activities for the week now. I don't want to do too much yet I want to keep us busy. We'll probably see alot of friends and family possibly this week.

Scott I slipped up a bit a couple of days ago due to all stress and what not but I'm aware there is going to be bumps in the road. I'm back on it!

The loan figure now stands at £0 as it has updated. Other payments have gone out to credit cards. Everything's on track and I'll update the balances here later.

I've set up everything with my new bank FD. The switch happens on Wednesday. It was so easy to set up and the customer service was fab when I phoned them. They also have additional perks to accounts for a monthly fee which I may look into at some point as I reckon it would work out beneficial for me (car breakdown, mobile phone insurance, travel insurance) and would work out at a lower cost than getting separate. It's something that needs looking into more closely. I'll be looking forward to the switching incentive.

Today's going to be a quiet one for me. I've a few things to do but the boy is at his dad's and won't be back until tomorrow.

I need to:-

- Chop up some veg and freeze so it doesn't go to waste..
- Request new sick note.
- Rearrange fridge and see what's left.
- Make up soup and freeze (quick lunches for myself).
- Make a meal plan for myself for rest of week.
- Use up potatoes and make mash/par boiled roast potatoes to freeze.
- Do a freezer inventory.

Chandelier.

Morning.

So Sunday and Monday were both NSD bringing my total to 5/12 NSD. I'm sure there may be another one somewhere, I'm unsure so will keep it as that. I have to aim for a further 7 NSD to reach target for the month. Challenge accepted still.

Yesterday I did an exercise routine at home then went to thebgym later at night with my mum. I've decided to start the couch to 5k challenge as I'm awful at running and want to build up gradually. I can either do this at the gym or on the promenade near us/round the park.

The boy came home at half eight this morning from his dad's, full of valentines day gifts for me and his Nana! He's a cutie. I'm now the proud owner of a new picture frame and a box of love hearts! Also not forgetting a home made card with some lovely words :smileyhea.

I've decided that each day this week I'll look to do something either free or cheap and cheerful. Today I may dig out the bikes from the garage, go for a bike ride and then stop off at my friends on the way back for a catch up afterwards (providing my bike is all set to go!). The boy is just doing some reading. He's into Roald Dahl at the moment and currently reading Fantastic Mr Fox.

A payment of £6.30 made to one of the credit cards to round the balance to the closest zero. Total debt now stands at £7950.00. I'm happy with that .

I did not fully complete to do list yesterday but will do my best to complete some of it today :j.

I've decided to minimise spends for this week and therefore shall leave my debit card at home so not to be tempted into buying things i.e. drink or snack here and there. I don't deal with cash that well and tend to spend more that way/become less accountable for my spends .

The switch for my bank accounts happen tomorrow too. I'm a bit nervous about it all going through. I know it's suppose to be much easier and simple these days but still makes me feel wary.

I guess I better go get breakfast now before heading out for the day or deciding what to do. The boy has some homework to complete as well. At some point will fit that in :cool:.