The Illuminative Project.

Chandelier.

Morning..

So yesterday I walked to pick the boy up from school and then we went for a long walk to pick up my prescription and then popped to the park and then back home again. It was overall around a four mile walk. What annoyed me was there was a woman at park whom let her dog off in the actual playground (big dog), she asked if I minded but being typical person I said no and walked off and waited for her to go. I just think if your going to have a dog like this then give it the proper exercise and be responsible. Don't let it run around in an area for children.

I then went to the gym last night and did some cardio and a few of the weight machines. I was going to go today but think I'll give it a miss unless I go later on tonight. I prefer to go at night times.

The boy has requested pizza for tea. So I'll make up some pizza dough this morning and let it rise. I'll then freeze some for other occasions. I'm also going to chop up and freeze any veg we have left.

Following on from yesterday, the boy went to the bakery and picked up a pack that contained a sausage roll, a cake and drink. I swear the sausage rolls have gone a lot smaller. I could probably eat it in one or two bites. He enjoyed it though. We used to do this alot when he was younger and he still holds the fond memories and talks about it when we walk past. The boy was asleep by 7:10pm last night, that hasn't happened in a long while. Once we got in just after 5pm it was bath, homework, playing with toys, reading and then bed time. I might implement this whole routine and no television after 5pm. I think it may be over stimulating.

Anyhow the weekend is very near! Nothing much planned apart from the usual activities. A new food place is opening owned by some relatives. We may just go check it out.....

Chandelier.

So.. I've not much to do today apart from some small things. It feels weird not doing anything as recently my days have been so jam packed.

So I'm going to take an hour or so to myself and have a bath and pampering session with music full blast (not mega loud). I need to tidy up my eyebrows and maybe I'll put some makeup on, it makes me feel better some days.

The weather is nice so I think I'll walk to school to pick the boy up. Then on the way back we can put my prescription in and get my next lot of meds.

I phoned payroll yesterday and they explained why my pay wasn't what I thought. Basically on the way they do it I've lost out on pay/annual leave as they deduct the sick pay from it. What a shambles.

Me and the boy also need to go pick up our passes from our local attractions near us. Most likely need to get photos done. I'd quite like a recognisable one this year lol.

I need to order some more contact lenses as well. I get them online so much cheaper. I think it's about £12.99 for a month of dailys. I more often than not wear my specs so these are for special occasions or if I feel like a change.

I still need to make pizza dough up, will use recipe I posted few weeks ago and use up leftover ingredients we have in fridge i.e. ham, peppers etc.

My appetite has decreased recently over past few days, not sure why but need to make sure I'm eating plenty with all the exercise I'm doing. I'm still pondering whether to attend personal trainer at gym with my mum- she's offered to pay for it at moment whilst I'm off and low pay. Once I'm back at work we may go halves.

I need to wash my makeup brushes, random bit of information there but there is so much that needs doing.

In other news I'm not car sharing where the boys activity is concerned. This makes me feel slightly more at ease as it's one on one time for us and I can concentrate more. The company was great but I found I was distracted.

I need to work out my annual expenses soon and tot them up and put in new budget beginning of new tax year. They tend to be expenses in April, August and September. I also need to look whether I'm claiming right things with HMRC, i.e uniform allowance, union fees and professional fees.

My plan for beginning of next week is to work out a plan for returning to work. I need to think what will help me and be beneficial but also realistic.

Tonight after pizza, I think I'll have a movie night with the boy and then go to the gym around 9ish even if it's just for 40 minutes or so. I'm really beginning to enjoy it.

I sometimes get carried away with weightloss and become obsessed. This time I do not want to, slow and steady wins the race. I have a goal where I know I want to be ultimately. But for now it's taking it slowly and building up my fitness etc. I'll look into the couch to 5k. And see if this may suit me.

Hope everyone is well.

Chandelier.

Yesterday food wise was a total right off, woops. Today's a new day!

We have the usual this morning, football then come home, pack sandwich and go straight out to other activity of the boys. It will be a 45 minute car journey, just me and him. I'll charge up my ipad ready for car songs to sing along to.

When we come home I may go straight to my relatives place. I'll give her a message and see where she's at. It's the opening of her restaurant part of business tonight. All fingers and toes crossed it goes well. They've worked so hard.

Mood wise I've found I'm quite irritable late last night and this morning, hoping to snap out of it quickly.

The boy has quite a bit of homework to complete. That's another thing we can do this evening together. We need to practice fractions and division. I think he finds the fraction part of things harder. I need to do some digging and find useful resources which are fun.

Not much else to report here really. I had a NSD yesterday (need to keep tally of these). We had homemade pizza and garlic bread for tea, yum- all from cupboard ingredients and leftover stuff from fridge.

Happy Saturday everyone.

Chandelier.

Morning again.

Busy day yesterday and did not get home till just after 10. The boy had a late night oops. We've slept in this morning though.

We went to visit my relatives place and they had been busy. We didn't end up eating a meal there due to other reasons but I helped them sort a few things after closing time. Then did a couple of errands for them. In the end me and the boy ended up stopping off for a Mcdonalds and we bought a box of Malteaser celebrations from the shop they've just released these ones solely in their own box (dangerous for me because I love them! I usually pick them out of celebrations and ignore the others lol).

Today I've offered a helping hand to them if they want it. I'd do anything for these members of my family. They have always been a big part of my life from being young. I'd repay the favour in any way.

So the healthy eating has kind of gone out the window the past two days. It's no bother, I'll just get back on track today and continue. There is going to be bumps along this journey.

In other news.. My cards have arrived for new 0% card which I'll activate and complete balance transfer. Once that's gone through I'll request the money transfer and pay off loan/get rid. Then just to focus on the credit cards. I'm aware of each balance and check regularly.

I also need to sort out checking in things online for my trip next month. I'll send the details over to my friend.

I need to look at the boys passport renewal. I'm going to ask my friends mum if she'll do it, if not I have a back up.

I'll go to the gym later tonight. My mum's been away for weekend so I've not been the past two days and I am missing it.

Also need to phone my grandad.

Happy Sunday people.

Chandelier.

So a helping hand wasn't needed today in regards to my relatives so I've pretty much had a chill out day.. I've been watching trash TV oops!

I made an extra payment to my Virgin cc so it brings the total down to £400. I like nice round figures.

I've also thought about writing down my thoughts, feelings and things about my life and may put it on a personal blog where only I can see. I think this may do me good. I started writing on a word doc about my mental health journey and blips in between. It's quite interesting really to look back on these times and how I coped/didn't cope each time or how I bounced back. I've done this for a while with other matters every so often amd it's interesting reading back. How my mindframe at the time reflected on what I wrote. There's been anger, sadness, happy times, strong and determined words etc.

It brings back alot of painful memories to be honest but I don't think I've ever processed them properly or allowed myself to feel them properly. I've always cracked on. I think that's what I've always been taught.. To lift my head up and get on with it.

I've already filled two pages full which seems crazy. Once I start writing I just don't stop. I could also write other stuff there too.. I could put it out there but I worry about feeling too exposed.

Anyhow I'm off to the gym shortly and will have an earlyish night. The week ahead is busy and full of appointments. I need to write a meal plan really and plan what I'm going to eat in order to stick with it.

I need to get organised ultimately for the next few weeks in what I hope is my return to work. I could also do with getting my hair done again. It's near enough two months since I last had it done. I could stretch another 2/3 weeks though. It's not one of them colours where it's blindingly obvious.

Anyhow off to burn some energy.

Bobarella

Hi chandelier

I'm glad you've had some time to relax, that's probably done you the world of good.

I hope the journalling will help you.

Have a good night.

Bob

JoJoC

The journaling sounds like a great way to keep yourself on the straight and narrow and deal with how you're feeling at times.

Glad you've brought the credit card down to 400. I like round numbers too! Won't be long until that one is out or your hair for good.

Chandelier.

Bob thanks! Yesterday went as relaxed as it could do.

JoJo I too wonder whether journaling will be good for me. Even if it is for my eyes only.

Yesterday was a NSD bringing my total to 2/12 NSD this month. If I want to get the 12 I am aiming for then I really need to crack on.

In other news I have decided to give up a dreadful habit- smoking. I've not really mentioned this as it's s shameful habit. However this has been a coping mechanism over the past few years and the only thing I really buy for myself regularly. I don't drink alcohol or do anything else. I've never really batted an eyelid to how much I spend re these but recent price hikes are an eye opener. I also think these are a big contributor to me getting chest infections really badly and being wheezy when I do. It also takes up some of my time which could be used more productively. My mum is also a smoker and she is on about quitting soon.

I used to smoke from being around 16. When I fell pregnant I stopped and was smoke-free for around 2 years 3 months. Then when I split up with the boys dad I started again. The boys dad was very against it even though he knew I smoked when first met me he was very controlling with it and forever gave me ultimatums etc. I remember we'd gone away and I had been smoking in secret. Clearly I wasn't allowed one abroad but he was allowed to drink and gamble his money. That's all a different story though. I think I started smoking again to rebel against him and it just went from there.

I don't want to go onto e-cigs or anything like that. I've decided to purchase one of the quick mist sprays as they are on offer at a supermarket near us and stock up on spearmint chewing gum. I'm also going to read the Allen Car stop smoking book, I have it on my kindle app and will see if that helps at all.

So my ideas to go along with stopping smoking:-

- Chew gum.
- Spray mist. (I don't want to rely on this too much)
- Read 10 mins of a book.
- Snack on fruit/veg.
- Write something down.
- Journal something.
- Go for a brisk walk.
- Do a quick small exercise regime (will find videos on y0utube).
- Hula hoop for 5/10 minutes.
- Play with stress ball.
- Text someone/make contact
- Distract myself with Internet
- Transfer money not spent on cigarettes to separate savings account.
- Think about money saved and what I could do with it.

That's all I can think of right now. If anyone has any other ideas or tips then feel free to add or comment.

In other news.. I need to go to @ldi and stock up on fruit and some veg for the week. I then need to nip to home bargains for other things I can't find in stores.

Tomorrow I will be attending bank with my Grandad. All he wants to do is make an appointment and keeps being fobbed off and told to come in another day. I will stand my ground and make sure we come away with an appointment which my mum can then attend.

Tonight I've a class booked at the gym- a leg bums and tums one. That's going to be fun. I'm pretty excited.

I may also start sorting through some stuff in my bedroom and make a meal plan for this upcoming week for myself in order to stick to healthy eating.

It will be hard going tackling two or three things at once but I am determined.

JoJoC

Wow - stopping smoking is a big step! Good for you!

My husband stopped smoking when i was six months pregnant with our eldest (4.5 years ago) and it was hard. He'd tried to quite many times before but ended up back on them. This time, his motivations were patches (just for the first three weeks until the major cravings passed), chewing gum to keep him going, keeping busy, and his favourite thing (that he still has on his phone now) is the stop smoking app. You put in your stop smoking date, how many you smoke per day and the cost of a packet of your brand of cigarettes and it keeps you updated with a whole load of statistics like:
1. How many days smoke-free you have been
2. How much you have saved by not buying cigarettes
3. Alerts you to key milestones (e.g. after three months, your lung function will have improved by 20%...etc and the major one for my husband was when he had the milestone that after X years smoke-free, his body is now as healthy as if he never smoked).

I think this was really motivational for him - seeing the £'000s creep up over the years makes him never want to go back!

I really need to get my finger out and do some exercise too. I was going to try and do some YouTube workouts at home while my husband is at football a couple of times per week but I had the flu for a week then my motivation disappeared. Perhaps once I get a grip on the housework I can focus on myself a wee bit.

Chandelier.

JoJo it's nice to hear someone else's story even if it was a close relative.

One of my main concerns is how irritable I will be over the next few days? I'm aware it will pass but I'm pretty irritable at best of times depending what's going on. I just need to keep busy and set small milestones. In some ways it's like I'm scared of not having one because it's become routine and embellished in my life. I'm not proud to smoke and I know it's more habit then anything. Once I'm back at work I suspect it will be much easier as I'll be kept busy and the majority are non smokers. Maybe I'll keep a list of small goals.

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I've checked online banking and a few things are yet to show up- must be due to contactless payment and the weekend.

I almost forgot I need to phone my care coordinator and see when she is planning to meet with me. I have three major appointments this week which all will be hopefully pointing for me to go back to work.

My appetite is pretty rubbish and hectic at the moment. I'm finding I'm not hungry till much later on in the day. Sometimes I have to remind myself to eat.

Balance transfer is pending to new credit card, once that is complete I'll do the money transfer from original card to pay off loan and then transfer any other balance that I can over to new credit card (0% balance transfer fees and 0% interest). Then I'll see where I stand.

The important one is to pay off card which ends soonest (Nov 17) and then the smallest balance. I'll probably close both cards after this. I also have another card which I don't use and should close to be honest.

I want to get it down to 2/3 cards maximum. The two 0% offers with biggest balances and maybe in 6-12 months time I'll look at a card which has rewards/cashback that I can use for travel expenses and pay off in full each month.

Once I'm back to work and my wage returns to normal I'll have a better idea of my income. As I'm looking to reduce my hours I may be entitled to other benefits such as tax credits to top up my income. This will just be another complicated thing to add to the mix but I'll get through it.