The Illuminative Project.

Bobarella

It's so tough when you get into a bad sleep cycle. Hope you catch up ok.

Chandelier.

Evening.

The past two days have been NSD bringing my total to 9/12 NSD.

Things still are feeling pretty bleak for me at the moment. I suspect I'm going through a low phase as I've lost motivation to do a lot of things and I'm a lot more irritable. I'll talk to my CPN tomorrow when I see her. I think alot of this is also down to no routine or structure just lately. I just feel like I've totally lost my sparkle and it's definitely not helping with a bad sleeping pattern. Sunday night was a late one staying up till early hours with a friend and then last night was a late one as I ended up emotional/panicky and couldn't stop crying. Bob I'm hoping I do catch up with sleep soon.

Dimestorediamond I'm not sure if I'd find crochet/knitting too fiddley. I need something to keep my hands busy but it also needs to be mind engaging. I find certain things too complicated and think I would with crocheting etc.

It's payday tomorrow and once again the budget is tight for the month ahead. I'm sure I'll cope though.

The no smoking still remains to be going well even through these rubbish times. I could easily just have one but the money incentive is keeping me on track.

Healthy eating still out window at moment. I need to concentrate on my moods more. I'm finding it so difficult right now. I know it will pass though.

Bobarella

Bless you Chandelier I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad.

Chandelier.

Morning.

It's payday here so time to draw up a new budget for next month- fun fun fun! It's amazing what you can do when on a small budget compared to a larger one.

As I went to bed last night I began to reflect on how I was feeling and what impact this was having in the present time. It's having quite a big impact as I've mentioned before and I don't want to go down the slippery road again when I just got myself to a positive and fair place, ready to go back to work. That is still delayed and awaiting other information- how frustrating.

I am hoping today is a NSD. This morning I need to attend a drop in clinic and then I am suppose to be meeting my nurse around lunch time. I'm not sure what will happen just yet, I need to offload to someone and I may query whether there is one to one therapy available alongside the group. We have a week off from group today.

My topcashback account has £46.62 payable. I'm going to wait a couple more weeks to place into bank account and save it for upcoming planned expenses.

I also need to get back into routine of the gym. I haven't been for around a week because I've felt so meh, I guess I never realised how affected I was.

Also currently on antibiotics for a kidney infection. That doesn't help!

Hope everyone has a nice day.

monz

feel better soon!!

Bobarella

Did you get to see a nurse today?

Chandelier.

Morning.

Yesterday was a NSD, bringing my total to 10/12 NSD.

I did not end up seeing my nurse at lunchtime. Long story cut short after the clinic I attended I didn't feel 100% so rearranged visit for next week. I'm still taking antibiotics which make me feel nauseous and I'm still tired, I can't seem to get back into my sleep routine that I had before. I must work on this as I'm wanting to sleep during day which is not good.

I'm still feeling rather bleak and the weather is definitely not helping. I don't know about anyone else but it's so dull, rainy and windy here.

I was hoping for today to be another NSD! Although I do need to order some contact lenses that I didn't do the other week oops.

Last night I downloaded a couple of books to read and read through one book and half of another before I eventually fell asleep. I skim read alot of the time but it works for me. I was noticeably alot more relaxed.

I still need to work out a budget for next month. It's looking so tight. I thought I'd get paid more than I did. It's grinding on me quite a bit now. I just want to get back to work. I wish I'd never had time off.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Bobarella

We've been battered with winds today. Absolutely crazy weather.

All you can do is keep getting through each day. The spring will soon be here. And you have your lovely boy to focus on.

Chandelier.

Morning.

I'm trying to ensure I post at least something each day on here to at least keep some normal routine.

Last night I got speaking to my mum and she's noted a big decline once again in my mental health over the past week or two. I'm a lot more irritable and moody and I'm snapping so easily even when I don't want to, I'm also questioning my purpose alot. I think alot of this is due to setbacks at work and delays in return to work dates and other things going on. The whole stress is taking its toll and being off work further more is affecting how I feel. My next meeting regarding work is next Wednesday. My mum noticed I'm not as happy or bubbly as I was and I just don't want to do anything anymore- I'm even finding interacting with the boy hard work. I'm going to phone my care team this morning and discuss options with them and what I can do/explore other options/look at my medications. This time over two weeks ago I was all set to go back to work and I was at the best I'd felt. It's amazing what one small trigger/event can do and send you spiralling.

Yesterday didn't end up a NSD due to me ordering my contact lenses. These were a 30 day supply of dailies for £12.98. Money well spent and they last me a while due to me wearing my specs alot.

I still need to draw up a budget in regards to next month, I've just no motivation. Mostly because I know it's going to be a tight month and little wriggle room. It's definitely a good job I've quit smoking.

I've been smoke free properly for over 11 days now. If you count the attempt before that and the small blip it would have been around 15 days smoke free. It's not so much I am craving a cigarette, I think I'm past that. However it was always my run to vice when "stressed" so I'm wondering whether that is adding to my irritability. My mum has also stayed smoke free so at least we are in it together and 'suffer' together lol.

I've no planned spends for today. Whilst the boy is at school I'm going to try get my head down for another hour or two and after school he has his extra curricular for a couple of hours.

Yesterday he received an invite for a party for today which I've politely declined due to his activity and also because I felt he was used as the last option thought of as others may have said no or numbers dropped. I'd rather not waste my time and money.

Storm Doris has pretty much gone from here now. The worse we personally had were bins knocked over. However some houses further down had gates knocked off and signs fallen down. A shop in our town also had its roof blown off. But I think we got the back end of it and got off lightly compared to most.

I've not been to gym in over week. With everything going on I'm just not feeling it and plus I'm still having aches and pains from kidney infection.

Anyhow not much else to report. I'm trying not to spend any money. I have no reasons to. Apart from I need to sort out the boys passport. I'll try do that this weekend and get it sent off next week.

There is nothing planned so far for my weekend thank goodness. I need a break.

Hope everyone has a good Friday.

SpekySquarehead

Morning,

Few things;

- I think posting on here at least daily is a great idea. Even if it's just a few lines on here, it lets you get your thoughts out. I've found once I start writing in my diary, I let my mind continue to wonder and I end up answering my own problem.

- Well done on being smoke free for so long and being past the craving stage. It's just a habit you need to get past. I know a few people who have went from smoking when stressed to eating, and that's just as bad for your health as smoking, so be aware of what you may be substituting it with.

- I'm the biggest believer in that a healthy body = a healthy mind. I appreciate it may be the last thing you want to do but even walking through the gym doors is a good feeling, even if you just walked on the treadmill.

Hope you feel better soon and have a lovely weekend.