How to cope with elderly relative who needs help but won't accept it?

Brighton_belle

ripplyuk wrote: »

I think also it would feel easier for me if she shared out the constant complaining with a few other people. Selfish of me really, but I get upset with it all. Mainly because I just can't understand why someone complains repeatedly when they clearly don't want to change things.

Why is it 'selfish'? Here is someone deliberately whining and complaining about things that are very easily fixable. She sounds exhausting and childish. And it's nothing to do with old age as she was clearly like this before. Her feeling overwhelmed and fearful - complete sympathy, but moaning on and on and deliberately choosing to suffer is tedious. It is very hard looking after someone who refuses to be helped.

Mr_Toad

Another approach would be to take one of those small video reorders that can be bought quite cheaply and set it up with her knowing.

Then get her to to open up/moan to you about everything then take the recording to her doctor. I once did this with Mum for similar reasons, then despite what she says they will know the truth and perhaps be able to deal with it.

Medical morphine was invented 200 years ago and despite 200 years of science, some of the greatest pharmacological brains in the world and the billions of pounds spent on research to date they still have not found a painkiller as effective. This is why they still prescribe it today.

Yes it's addictive but that can be managed and there's nothing better for proper pain relief.

Mayflower10cat

It's both exhausting and heartbreaking trying to 'make' someone take the help/relief they clearly need. Frustrating, too. The only way we could get Fil/Mil to accept the care they needed was from an authority figure (Dr/Registrar) not from anyone in the family. We wasted so much energy and emotion trying to get them to accept the help they needed with their increasing frailty and worsening Dementia and it was like p*ssing in the wind, pardon my language.


I still find it hard to comprehend why you'd choose to be uncomfortable and cold, poorly nourished and in all honesty, miserable, when the situation could be alleviated. It's almost as if life is to be endured, not enjoyed. A sort of stoic acceptance - musn't grumble, Oh, but we do love a good moan! - which seems to date back to a different generation???


We found we had to step back emotionally as it's too draining of your energy. And rely on the professionals to get the message across. Sadly, my Inlaw's very wise GP who'd known them a while said, 'it'll take a major crisis before they are forced to accept help..' and he was right. And the saddest thing of all is that, if they'd taken the help that was available to them before the crisis, they could have stayed in their own home for another year or so.

We try our hardest to do the best for those we love. But sometimes, it's thrown back in your face. Repeatedly. That's what really hurts.


I'm sorry for you and your MiL's situation. But you are doing everything you can to ease her pain and make her more comfortable. You have nothing to reproach yourself for - keep yourself in good health and strong to cope, ongoing. I wish you all the very best.

DavidF

A "sneaky" thing you could do is install a smart central heating controls. You can control the heating from your phone - Less intrusive is the fact that on some systems you can set minimum and maximum temperatures. You can get these things not only as a CH controller but more importantly a radiator controller. There are lots you can do to help in that way if she will let you....home automation and smart controls are not just for the young tech minded - in situations such as this they could be used to provide a good service for the elderly when they are alone.

MrsTinks

Just a thought... but being really blunt - so what if she got addicted to the opium... SHE'S 84! If I live to see 84 I'm going to do everything in my power to do whatever I blooming want LOL

Regardless - I doubt it will matter what you tell her about anything - the main way to manage her pain is to not tell her exactly what she's being given - find a different pain med with opiates but a different brand name and go see if you can sneak that past her. Harsh but if the GP will prescribe it then give it a try. Just make sure she's not able to take too many by accident. The remote heating control idea I like - assuming she will let you...

Ultimately sometimes you have to accept that you can lead a horse to water, but it's impossible to make it drink if it doesn't wish to...

rach_k

Is there any way you could get her to let you put her painkillers in those little boxes with the time and day on them? You could do a mix of things - standard painkillers, vitamins, perhaps something homeopathic etc with the prescribed dose of morphine mixed in too (obviously check that everything is safe together). I don't think I'd want to lie to her so I would tell her what was in there but perhaps not how much e.g. "You have X, Y and the occasional Z". If her eyesight isn't good she might not notice which ones are morphine and, hopefully, if her pain is being managed properly she might feel more inclined to care about other things like warmth.

Mojisola

MrsTinks wrote: »

Just a thought... but being really blunt - so what if she got addicted to the opium... SHE'S 84!

My Mum was in her 80s and started getting morphine from the Pain Clinic for her pain. They gradually increased it until it finally started controlling the pain and then reduced the dose because they said that level was too high - it could be dangerous and it was addictive.

The argument that she preferred to have fewer but pain-free years before the end than spend longer on this earth in misery didn't change their decision.

*Robin*

When my husband was dying from some kind of rampaging, incredibly painful cancer - which killed him before the primary could be identified - he was appalled at the effects of morphine: It stole his ability to think coherently, didn't touch the 'bone pain' anyway, and nobody here has yet mentioned the most common unpleasant side-effect; severe constipation.

So perhaps I understand this lady's reluctance to take the stuff. If I'd known enough about it in time, I would have got hold of some CBD oil for my husband (we asked his consultant about it, and were told the police would be summoned if there was any suspicion of cannabis use. I now know the difference between cannabis and CBD oil and heartily wish I'd stood up to the ill-informed doctor, because then perhaps my husband's final weeks would not have been spent in agony!).

Worth looking into. I don't know, but maybe CBD oil can be baked into biscuits or brownies? The old lady might be happier eating a couple of 'special cookies' with her cup of tea morning and evening? She won't get stoned (the THC which has that effect is removed, leaving the healing / painkilling CBD in the oil - it's available to buy on-line these days so presumably is of no interest to law enforcement officers).
Evidence of the effectiveness of CBD oil is hard to deny.

The heated blanket sounds lovely - easy enough to prevent tripping over an extension cord by duct-taping it to the carpet / flooring.

As for the cataract op: http://www.privatehealth.co.uk/conditions-and-treatments/cataract-surgery/costs/
Not clear on that list whether the price covers one or both eyes, but the costs are certainly less than I was expecting. Maybe OP's partner might consider it money well spent for his Mum's comfort and to maintain her independence, especially if he can put it on a 0% CC deal?

ripplyuk

Mojisola wrote: »

My Mum was in her 80s and started getting morphine from the Pain Clinic for her pain. They gradually increased it until it finally started controlling the pain and then reduced the dose because they said that level was too high - it could be dangerous and it was addictive.

The argument that she preferred to have fewer but pain-free years before the end than spend longer on this earth in misery didn't change their decision.

That's horrendous Mojisola. It's terrifying to think that any of us would be left in pain in our final days. It's just so wrong. If someone is aware of the risks of the medication, they should be allowed to make their own decision about it.

ripplyuk

*Robin* wrote: »

When my husband was dying from some kind of rampaging, incredibly painful cancer - which killed him before the primary could be identified - he was appalled at the effects of morphine: It stole his ability to think coherently, didn't touch the 'bone pain' anyway, and nobody here has yet mentioned the most common unpleasant side-effect; severe constipation.

I'm so sorry about your husband Robin. I've never heard of CBD oil but it sounds interesting.

I initially thought it might be side effects putting my MIL off the morphine (when she was taking them properly) but when I asked her, the only thing she mentioned was feeling quite tired. It was just after her surgery too so that could be due to having part of her lung removed. She's been prescribed laxatives in case of constipation.

She's a very private person and doesn't like anyone to interfere with her way of doing things. I've offered to sort out a pill box for her but she refused. She doesn't want anyone having control of her medications. I know if we offered to tape down the extension lead, she would just rip it up again.

My partner would pay for the cataract surgery if it was due to a lack of money, but it isn't. She's much wealthier than he is. She's happy to spend plenty of money on other things. She just keeps saying she's entitled to it free on the the NHS. I told her that the waiting list means they may never do it but she just says 'Well, they'll have to'.