How to cope with elderly relative who needs help but won't accept it?

Primrose

Have you tried getting her to wear ski clothes or a padded body warmer?

If she won't have the hesting on tell her you're cutting your visits short and going home because every time you visit her you end up with a cold afterwards.

lobbyludd

just another perspective...whilst you might be quite correct in that these things would fix the things she's moaning about, you've given her the suggestions and she doesn't pursue them, repeatedly apparently, so I think she's made it quite clear what her wishes are.

She's an adult, in her right mind, and entitled to be in control of her own life - she doesn't have to take morphine, turn up the heat, have cataract operations, etc despite what other people think might be the best for her.

Her behaviour suggests she doesn't want suggestions, she wants to off-load, like we all do sometimes and perhaps people being tirelessly upbeat and positive and offering solutions is incredibly frustrating and makes things worse for her.

please don't try sneaky interventions, she isn't a child - you could alert her GP to what you believe are the issues, but then leave it between them.

Which then leaves the issue of you very understandably being distressed by her levels of pain and unhappiness. You can't solve her problems - it's not your job, you can sympathise with her and care, tell her the pain sounds horrible, and you wish you could help but don't offer solutions, if you can't get to a place where you can both support her whilst she makes her own choices about management (and that's completely understandable). It's fine to pull back, it's also fine to tell her that you have difficulty seeing her in such pain, and need a break from it sometimes or can't support her through it if that's true.

melanzana

Maybe ask doctor about a pain patch. They can be attached to say the skin on the back back where she can't rip it off!

It's a slow release of opiate pain relief.

Just a suggestion. Look up fentanyl patch.

ripplyuk

I wouldn't try any sneaky interventions lobbyludd. It just doesn't sit well with me to deceive her in any way. Rightly or wrongly, I'm not sure but I don't feel comfortable about it.

I did consider that she just wanted to offload and have a shoulder to cry on, so I started spending more time with her just letting her talk and sympathising. I still do. But she keeps specifically asking me for solutions. E.g., when she's complaining about pain and I say 'oh, that must be awful for you', she asks me what she should do about it. Sometimes I want to scream that we've been over this a million times. Every conversation is like a broken record.

Reading through this thread, I can see that really I have a problem accepting that I can do no more until/unless she accepts help. She is an adult and has the right to refuse treatment/freeze herself/suffer poor eyesight etc. I know that in theory but it's so hard in reality and I need to work at accepting it. This is also affecting my mental health as I often have to just sit somewhere and cry after talking to her. I know I need to look after myself too.

I'm going to try the cracked record technique. My partner has been doing that for a while now which seems to have spared his sanity somewhat. But increased the moaning that I have to listen to! When she moans, he just says 'Well Mum, you know what to do about that'. Then he changes the subject. It does seem harsh but now I think he's right.

Callie22

melanzana wrote: »

Maybe ask doctor about a pain patch. They can be attached to say the skin on the back back where she can't rip it off!

It's a slow release of opiate pain relief.

Just a suggestion. Look up fentanyl patch.

I was going to suggest this. My gran had these and they helped her a lot with her pain. The OP's MIL might find a patch easier to deal with psychologically than pills, if she's worried about addiction. If she can get the pain to a more bearable level then she might be a bit more receptive to making other changes. Pain can make you irrational and difficult to deal with. If she starts feeling a little bit more in control of the pain then she might not feel so hopeless about everything else.

poppystar

You mentioned in your initial post that she had also had thyroid cancer. Is she on thyroid medication now? Should she be on thyroid medication now? Can you check this?

A poorly working thyroid (or lack of one if they removed it!) can have many effects including not really being able to deal with things, not thinking clearly, memory problems, aches and pains, temperature problems etc. all of which could be exacerbating the situation.
Also this could have been coming on for years if the cancer was slow growing.

Not to say she isn't cantankerous but worth a thought!

ripplyuk

She isn't on any thyroid medications. They've done tests but despite the cancer, it seems her thyroid is functioning normally.

To be honest, we aren't sure what her prognosis is. And I keep worrying that this increasing pain she has means the cancer is spreading. When she was first diagnosed, there was lots of hospital appointments until she had the lung surgery in May. Since then she's only had two check ups which were very brief and they just asked her how she was doing (of course, she said 'fine'!). No more scans etc. Her consultant has since retired and we haven't heard if anyone else will be taking over or if she even needs any more treatment.

My partner and I have asked her if we can speak to the hospital but she won't answer us and changes the subject, so I guess that means no. She believes she's cured so doesn't understand our concerns. Neither of us want to be the prophet of doom and tell her we're worried the cancer might have spread.

She was referred to the Marie Curie day hospice soon after the surgery and she goes once a week. That scared me as when I heard 'hospice' I immediately thought of terminal illness, but perhaps they also provide this for anyone with cancer.

Savvy_Sue

ripplyuk wrote: »

She was also prescribed antidepressants and she is understandably feeling very down at times. The doctor thought they could also help with the pain. But she won't take those either as she sees them as something for 'mental people'.

Well, if the cracked record technique doesn't work, I think I'd be very tempted to point out that she's showing all the signs of needing some mental help!

ripplyuk wrote: »

I wouldn't try any sneaky interventions lobbyludd. It just doesn't sit well with me to deceive her in any way. Rightly or wrongly, I'm not sure but I don't feel comfortable about it.

I did consider that she just wanted to offload and have a shoulder to cry on, so I started spending more time with her just letting her talk and sympathising. I still do. But she keeps specifically asking me for solutions. E.g., when she's complaining about pain and I say 'oh, that must be awful for you', she asks me what she should do about it. Sometimes I want to scream that we've been over this a million times. Every conversation is like a broken record.

Reading through this thread, I can see that really I have a problem accepting that I can do no more until/unless she accepts help. She is an adult and has the right to refuse treatment/freeze herself/suffer poor eyesight etc. I know that in theory but it's so hard in reality and I need to work at accepting it. This is also affecting my mental health as I often have to just sit somewhere and cry after talking to her. I know I need to look after myself too.

I'm going to try the cracked record technique. My partner has been doing that for a while now which seems to have spared his sanity somewhat. But increased the moaning that I have to listen to! When she moans, he just says 'Well Mum, you know what to do about that'. Then he changes the subject. It does seem harsh but now I think he's right.

I think too it's sometimes worth asking yourself, what's the worst thing that could happen if we ...

If you don't want to talk to her doctor without her knowledge (although I'd quite cheerfully do so!), then what's the worst thing that could happen if your partner said to her "You know what Mum? We've been over this so many times, you are not being honest with your doctor, which means he can't help you because he doesn't know how bad you are. Either you let me come to an appointment with you and tell him what you say to us every time we visit, or I am going to write to him and tell him what you tell us every time we visit."

Worst thing (IMO), she throws a strop, tells you to leave and never darken her door again, you don't have to listen to her moaning any more. Maybe after a week of stewing over it she comes round. Maybe she doesn't. She's made her choice.

And you should make yours. Seriously, if it's affecting your mood so badly, you need to change something. Maybe tell her, when you start the cracked record thing, "going over this again and again when you do not want to act on any of the suggestions we make is making me unwell, and that has to change". Or something.

I do feel for you: we're nowhere near crisis point yet but I do worry about my own in-laws where MIL just doesn't see any need to think about what help they may need in the future.

-taff

I would try asking her why she's doing nothing about her situation, depsite asking you for your opinion lots of times.
If she's asking you what should she do, ask her what SHE thinks she should do. If there's a lot fo bluster, just say you're not talking about it anymore because she's not helping herself and you're getting fed up of sounding like a broken record.

Archergirl

Yep to both Savvy Sue and -taff
You do need to take a hard line and if she won't help herself then there is nothing you can do, so when you visit just pop in say 'Hi is there anything you need?' do it then leave.......Do not make yourselves ill over this.