How to cope with elderly relative who needs help but won't accept it?

sooty&sweep

Hi

I work with a District Nursing team & they've recently had a health & wellbeing worker working alongside them.
His role is to look at wider issues that are affecting the patient's ongoing health.
If she's actively receiving care from District Nurses I'd ask if they have something similar. If she's not receiving care from District Nurses then you'll need to talk to her GP practice.
Jen

amibovvered

One thing I'm struggling with is the 4 year wait for cataract surgery - I realise that priorities within Health authorities differ around the country but this seems excessive? I've had both eyes done now. The longest I had to wait was 8 months - and that was due to incompetence on the part of the team who arrange appointments, they ignored the fact that I was deaf and shouldn't be contacted by phone and crossed me off the list when I failed to answer the phone so my GP had to refer me again!

Is it because of her age? I was 49 and still working full time when I had the first eye done, other eye was done last year at 58.

Archergirl

Well I think you said before that she could pay for it, if she is that bothered about it then she would pay. I don't expect it will be that expensive it's not a long op and just day surgery as you know.

ripplyuk

amibovvered wrote: »

One thing I'm struggling with is the 4 year wait for cataract surgery - I realise that priorities within Health authorities differ around the country but this seems excessive? I've had both eyes done now. The longest I had to wait was 8 months - and that was due to incompetence on the part of the team who arrange appointments, they ignored the fact that I was deaf and shouldn't be contacted by phone and crossed me off the list when I failed to answer the phone so my GP had to refer me again!

Is it because of her age? I was 49 and still working full time when I had the first eye done, other eye was done last year at 58.

She's actually been waiting more than 4 years. It's just 4 years that I know about, since she first told me she was fed up with being on the waiting list. It's not unusual, in my area anyway. I waited longer for surgery myself.

But yes, she could easily afford to pay for it. And obviously the NHS have to prioritise life threatening conditions, rather than cataracts, with their limited budget.

I spoke to her again yesterday about it, but she says it isn't worth paying that amount of money for. She also says it's ruining her life so I do find that hard to understand. But it's her choice.

margaretclare

OMG. She's the kind of person who gives us 80+ people a bad name.

DH and I had our cataracts done some 10 years ago. It was brilliant. After 60+ years of short sight and wearing glasses, the cataract operation also sorted out our short sight.

I believe that in the last few years it has got a bit tighter and we might not have had the cataract surgery under modern criteria i.e. it might not have been bad enough. I don't know. But if that was the case, I would pay money in a heartbeat, to improve our quality of life. We recently paid a lot of money to upgrade the bathroom to modern 'mobility-friendly' standards and 3 years ago now I paid for breast reduction surgery. I've never regretted one penny-piece of what was spent and I'm still saving, because we just do not know what we may need in the time remaining to us. Whatever we need, we'll spend. As the saying goes, a shroud has no pockets.

I would not worry about becoming addicted to morphine, but not everyone adapts well to it. For me, if I've ever been given it, it makes me sick as a dog. Paracetamol is useless - might as well take smarties, as you said. I find Ibuprofen 400 mg as good as anything, have had to take it since recent hip surgery, but it must be taken with food.

Sorry, I have no good advice! I discovered long ago that people are as they are, they will do what they want to do and no one else can make a difference.

sillyvixen

My grandfather had lung cancer with bone secondrys when I was a teenager - he refused morphine untill it was clear to him he had hours left! He firmly believed that once they prescribed morphine it was a sign of defeat and the beginning of the end. He died in his mid 50's 30 years ago - so was of the same generation as the op's mil - several of those in his peer group held the same views, just wondering if this is a common belief amongst those of the generation.

ska_lover

Archergirl wrote: »

Yep to both Savvy Sue and -taff
You do need to take a hard line and if she won't help herself then there is nothing you can do, so when you visit just pop in say 'Hi is there anything you need?' do it then leave.......Do not make yourselves ill over this.

Another vote for this approach.

I know OP, you have the best of intentions, but seems your MIL is seeing your assistance as hindering. She has made it to 84 and wants to do as she pleases now.

You feel it is not in her best interest to behave in certain ways, but what can you do? other than create a mighty rift or betray her trust - which may not change anything, other than have even more people worry. If she has no mental health issues and has always been like this - then she is living as she has always lived

I would back off a bit as it is only going to break you trying to mould your MIL in to someone she does not want to be, it is not fair on any of you to force the issue - until if a time comes where she starts to show symptoms of mental deterioration then things will be different

ripplyuk

ska_lover wrote: »

Another vote for this approach.

I know OP, you have the best of intentions, but seems your MIL is seeing your assistance as hindering. She has made it to 84 and wants to do as she pleases now.

I'd be happy to let her do as she pleases but she keeps asking, practically begging, me to help. I'm totally at a loss as to what she wants from me.

I've tried encouraging her to take her medications when she's crying with the pain, tried spending more time with her in case she's feeling lonely or just needed more attention and someone to talk to, tried sympathising with her complaints but not telling her what to do, tried emphasising how everything is her choice in case it was some sort of 'lack of control' issue.

Nothing helps. I am now trying to back off a bit for the sake of my own mental health.

thorsoak

"for the last time, MIL, I have told you what I think you should do - you won't listen, you won't take your medication which would alleviate your pain, you can afford to put the heating on, and I'm not telling you any more. You won't listen to me, to your son, to your doctor - so stop asking me what to do."

margaretclare

sillyvixen wrote: »

My grandfather had lung cancer with bone secondrys when I was a teenager - he refused morphine untill it was clear to him he had hours left! He firmly believed that once they prescribed morphine it was a sign of defeat and the beginning of the end. He died in his mid 50's 30 years ago - so was of the same generation as the op's mil - several of those in his peer group held the same views, just wondering if this is a common belief amongst those of the generation.

That would be my peer group, and I haven't heard of it. Except that, no we don't want to give up, we still have things to do, goals to aim at, life to live until they nail the box down on us.