How to cope with elderly relative who needs help but won't accept it?

missbiggles1

sillyvixen wrote: »

My grandfather had lung cancer with bone secondrys when I was a teenager - he refused morphine untill it was clear to him he had hours left! He firmly believed that once they prescribed morphine it was a sign of defeat and the beginning of the end. He died in his mid 50's 30 years ago - so was of the same generation as the op's mil - several of those in his peer group held the same views, just wondering if this is a common belief amongst those of the generation.

My father was of the same generation and said exactly the same thing when he had cancer, so I think it quite a common attitude.

Mojisola

ripplyuk wrote: »

I'd be happy to let her do as she pleases but she keeps asking, practically begging, me to help. I'm totally at a loss as to what she wants from me.

Nothing helps. I am now trying to back off a bit for the sake of my own mental health.

It's one of those awful situations where you can't actually help and you do need to look after yourself.

If she won't help herself or let anyone else help her, she will reach a crisis point when she can't refuse assistance - through an illness or fall, etc - and you will then need to be fit enough to step back in and help.

Primrose

Probably being able to exercise her own free will may seem the only thing left to her but as somebody else has said you need now to sit down with her formally and point out where you stand too.
Tell her firmly that your own health is now suffering and that unless certain things happen, i.e. she takes pain relief medication and behaves with some consideration and thought for her careers you will have to withdraw and leave her to Social Services to cope.

Where is her son in all this and how is he handling his mother? You need to have a united stand here

mumps

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Another approach would be to take one of those small video reorders that can be bought quite cheaply and set it up with her knowing.

Then get her to to open up/moan to you about everything then take the recording to her doctor. I once did this with Mum for similar reasons, then despite what she says they will know the truth and perhaps be able to deal with it.

Medical morphine was invented 200 years ago and despite 200 years of science, some of the greatest pharmacological brains in the world and the billions of pounds spent on research to date they still have not found a painkiller as effective. This is why they still prescribe it today.

Yes it's addictive but that can be managed and there's nothing better for proper pain relief.

I'm responsible for an elderly relative with dementia. Drs won't believe how bad she is and a friend made a video of her on one of her bad days. Doctor won't even look at it as it was made without her consent and he says its unethical.

melanzana

I wonder if the lady has early dementia, or maybe secondaries to the brain? Sorry to be so blunt about it.

I've seen this myself. Constant pleading to help, but would not accept help/suggestions.

Just something to consider. Although if the person was always like this, that may not be the case.

There is only so much you can do, and then your own health suffers.

It is often the carers who go first.

I wish you well OP, and hope you get some help with this situation.

ripplyuk

Don't worry about being blunt melanzana. I'm very upfront about these things. But she's always been like this, according to my partner. And certainly from all the years I've known her, this is 'normal' behaviour for her, with everything, not just health issues.

I'm not her carer though. I just try to help as much as I can.

I keep telling myself I've done everything I possibly can, and I know it''s affecting my own health, but it's stressful either way. I find I just keep worrying about her. It's so hard hearing an elderly person talk about how they're suffering. Heart breaking really, even if a lot of it seems self inflicted. Hopefully I'll get better at dealing with it over time.

My partner has detached himself from her a lot recently. They were never particularly close, but now he often won't even talk to me about it. Or let me talk about it. I think he's feeling totally fed up and frustrated, which I understand. I want to support him with all this too, as it's his mum after all, not mine.

Primrose

Well maybe you should explain to your MIL about your partner's detachment from the situation and why it has happened because of his frustration at her not engaging. Sounds hard, but maybe if she could see the practical effects of her refusal to cooperate she might understand better how help will be withdrawn from her as her illness progresses. Sometimes it takes some very hard realities to force people to bend in their attitudes a little.

paddy's_mum

I wonder if her reaction to the morphine question is based on fear.

My late aunt, who had been a nurse all her working life, and even after retirement still occasionally did temporary care placements well into her 70's, showed absolute terror towards morphine when taken into hospital several weeks before her death from inoperable cancer.

It was her view that in too many cases, the administration of morphine simply kept the patient quiet thus avoiding any distressing sickbed scenes, made life easier for the family and the nursing staff and was very much the first step on the road to hastening the end.

Who is to say that she was wildly wrong? It became very clear that she preferred to be in considerable pain but able to comprehend the world around her than to be out of pain but very afraid of feeling completely unable to know, recognise or deal with anything and anyone around her.

tyllwyd

If your MIL won't take morphine, have you asked the dr if there is a different painkiller they could prescribe? If it's the name that's worrying her she might be more open to taking something that isn't so obviously a pain killer. Or for chronic pain there are pain killing patches you can wear which release the drug slowly over a week or so.


My MIL had chronic pain and also dementia, and in some ways being in pain became a habit, and I think complaining of a headache (in her case) also became her way of complaining about generally not feeling good or an excuse for not doing something she didn't want to do.


I'm afraid I have very little patience with someone who complains but won't be helped - if you are sure she has mental capacity, then at some point you have to let her get on with it and back off for your own sanity.


But I would definitely push her to get LPAs while she has capacity to sign the paperwork. It doesn't sound as if you can wait for her to kick it off - I'd be trying to get her to a solicitor (or you can download forms from the internet and start filling them in). If you don't, it will result in lots of hassle trying to look after her and her finances if/when the day comes when she needs more help.

ripplyuk

We've asked her previously about getting a solicitor to visit at home to sort out the LPA, but she said she didn't want anyone coming into her house. I've since showed her lots of advice leaflets and forms etc, but she still won't do it and since she is 'of sound mind', there's nothing we can do.

Worse still, my partner now gets irritated when I mention anything about it. I've explained to him that it's much easier to have an LPA in place before things get worse, but he just ignores me. It's frustrating because I know I'll have to help deal with the inevitable future problems caused by him sticking his head in the sand.

He now doesn't want to discuss anything about his mum's care in general. He still hasn't spoken to her doctor about pain patches, as he said he would, and it's now obvious that he has no intention of doing so. The GP refuses to discuss anything with me as I'm not a direct relative. She says my MIL can call her herself if she wants to. None of the other family members are interested either.

The whole drama is like being stuck on an endless frustrating merry-go-round.