How to cope with elderly relative who needs help but won't accept it?

TBagpuss

I'd suggest that your partner talks to her and asks her whether he can sit in next time she seese her doctor or nurse. He could then talk to them with her there about what she has said to him and to you, including her concerns about additction, and the level of pais she is in. It may be that they could offer her a different prescriptioon (possibly a difference opiate that she doesn't recognise as being an morphine derivative?)

He can also make the point to her that it is really distressing for him and for you and other family members who care about her to see her in so much pain, and that you desperately want her to allow her mdical team, and her family , to take care of her.

If she won't agree to you partner bein there then I would suggest that he cotnact them directly (possibly write?) setting out what you've told us here, including the factthat she always puts a brave face on when she ses medical professionals, and say that while he understands that they can't speak to him directly, he felt it was importnat that they are aware of the postion. He could alos add in his concerns about the temperature that she keeps the house, and ask whether they can speak to her and stress the importnace to her health of keeping warm.

Might it help if each time you or he visit, the first hthing out of you mouth is "It's freezing in here - pleae can I turn up the heat?" stress that it is uncomfortable for you.

ripplyuk

She does let us turn the heat up, and my partner just turns it up without asking her, but she then turns it down again later. It's become a bit of a 'game' with her, and she can act quite childish about it, sometimes giggling when she sees us become frustrated. It's the same with sorting out the power of attorney.

I know if my partner or I discussed any of her complaints with either the doctor or her sister, she would be angry. For whatever reason, she wants them to think everything is fine and doesn't want them to know. I'm feeling conflicted about respecting her privacy and I don't want her to fall out with us or feel betrayed.

Rosemary7391

Can the doctor prescribe non opiate painkillers for her? They might be less effective in theory, but if she'll take them then that'll be more effective in practice.

pmlindyloo

ripplyuk wrote: »

She does let us turn the heat up, and my partner just turns it up without asking her, but she then turns it down again later. It's become a bit of a 'game' with her, and she can act quite childish about it, sometimes giggling when she sees us become frustrated. It's the same with sorting out the power of attorney.

I know if my partner or I discussed any of her complaints with either the doctor or her sister, she would be angry. For whatever reason, she wants them to think everything is fine and doesn't want them to know. I'm feeling conflicted about respecting her privacy and I don't want her to fall out with us or feel betrayed.

Sounds to me that she is manipulating the both of you.

Sometimes you just have to accept that you have done your best and get on with your own lives.

This kind of thing can be very tiring/frustrating so please don't get it out of proportion. She is what she is. You have done your best, now ignore her moans and adopt the 'oh dear, what a shame.....' attitude. When she see that she is not getting the expected response from you she might start changing her ways and accept some help.

PS. Ask the doctor about a pain patch. Often the elderly don't know what they're getting - just think it is magical!

Ames

Have you thought that perhaps her concerns might be valid?

It might be more socially acceptable for someone to be addicted to morphine than heroin, but it's still an addiction. If she's not happy about taking morphine has anyone discussed trying something different?

If she's scared of having cataract operations - and frankly who wouldn't be scared of an operation on their eyes - has anyone sat down and talked her through what it will be like? Is there anyone you know who's had the op who can tell her what it's really like?

Maybe she prefers blankets to central heating. I hate being somewhere with the heating on high, and can't stand it if it's constant. I feel bunged up and ill. At her age she grew up without central heating, in fact has probably lived without it longer than she's lived with it. So maybe she really is fine with just a couple of blankets.

Of course she could be a cantankerous old mare who's just trying to be difficult (search for Paul Foel's threads about his dad), but maybe you should try and consider things from her perspective.

ripplyuk

The non opiate painkillers didn't help her at all. She was prescribed them for a while but was bedridden with the pain and ended up in hospital twice due to stomach problems from taking far too many. Although she's reluctant to take morphine, she's very different with other painkillers and see things like paracetamol almost like smarties.

She isn't scared of the cataract operation. She's desperate to get it done. Her complaints are that she wants it done now and is sick of waiting.

She keeps telling us that she's cold, so it's not that she's ok with blankets. Once when she was at the bottom of the stairs, she said she was so cold her knees wouldn't work to walk up them. It's only when we tell her to keep the heat on that she starts saying 'No, No, just leave it, it's fine'.


pmlindyloo, that's a great idea about a pain patch. I think that might suit her as she wouldn't see it the same way as taking pills. My partner is going to speak to her doctor about it.

securityguy

"It might be more socially acceptable for someone to be addicted to morphine than heroin, but it's still an addiction."

There's little evidence that morphine used as a painkiller is seriously addictive, any more than any drug that requires controlled cessation is addictive. The NHS tied itself in horrible nonsense in the 1980s and 1990s with huge amounts of concern about opiate painkillers, which just left people in pain. There are alternatives for field, emergency medicine but that's more because morphine depresses breathing and that's a bad thing in an emergency drug. The military use fentanyl lollipops as an alternative to frontline morphine, and IV ketamine in aid stations, because the side effects on people with trauma injuries in battlefield situations are easier to deal with. But in a managed environment for people who haven't been shot? Morphine's the best game in town. When the pain ends, people who have taken morphine stop taking it with little effect; they might need a few days of the dose being reduced (and that usually happens automatically because most pain doesn't just stop, it takes time to reduce) but the same's true of a huge range of drugs.

Tellingly, the first two Google hits I get for "morphine addiction" are Narconon, who are a Scientology front organisation.

The best evidence I can find (systematic reviews are gold standard) is:

Minozzi, S., Amato, L. and Davoli, M. (2013), Development of dependence following treatment with opioid analgesics for pain relief: a systematic review. Addiction, 108: 688–698. doi:10.1111/j.1360-0443.2012.04005.x

which is here:

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1360-0443.2012.04005.x/full

Conclusions

The available evidence suggests that opioid analgesics for chronic pain conditions are not associated with a major risk for developing dependence.

Better_Days

OP if MIL won't turn up the heating would she consider one of those heated throws/blankets that she can wrap round herself. May stop her joints getting so stiff. Cost pennies to run.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dreamcatcher-Washable-Electric-Chocolate-Overblanket/dp/B01I3KCH5E/ref=pd_cp_201_2/255-8629967-4713145?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=HTNGEY7WMN8B5NFY1KYA

ripplyuk

I've actually already bought her a heated throw but I haven't given it to her yet. I keep thinking she'll trip up on the lead and fall. There's very few sockets in her house so she'd have to use an extension cable. With her having such poor eyesight, it could easily happen so I keep changing my mind about it.

security guy, I couldn't agree more. Everything I've read says that morphine used for pain does not lead to addiction. Not that it should matter anyway. If I was in unrelenting pain, I wouldn't give a hoot about addiction.

Unfortunately, it was actually one of the nurses who started telling her that the pills she was on were morphine (she didn't know from the brand name) and how they are frequently abused by drug addicts etc. She didn't mean that she shouldn't take them but it would have been better if she hadn't mentioned it.

She was also prescribed antidepressants and she is understandably feeling very down at times. The doctor thought they could also help with the pain. But she won't take those either as she sees them as something for 'mental people'.

Archergirl

Yep, I agree with this
The other response is the cracked record technique: "Yes MIL I know you are in pain but you have declined to take your medication so I am unable to help with this. Now, isn't it a lovely sunny day, shall we have our coffee in the garden?" "Yes MIL I know you find it frustrating that you cannot read or watch TV, but as you do not wish to consider having them treated privately I am unable to help with this. Now, is there anything I can help with or shall I leave you to it?" Just change the subject away from the moan, and keep doing so.
Some people you just can't help so she will have to get on with it, very harsh I know but you have tried your best and there are ways to make her life better, but if she won't cooperate there isn't much you can do.....