Change of plan

Kaye1

OP you were always going to get jumped on because death is such an emotive subject.

I think some posters have been unfair. Of course there is a decorum at funerals. Whether I agree with that or not is a different matter- an earlier poster mentioned that if we spoke about death/grief more freely it may be healthier for everyone; well, I think they are probably right.

And the expected behaviour in this country is different to other countries, of course it is. It is traditional not to 'make a show' of yourself. Is it fair? No, people should be free to grieve anyway they like but we are a fairly conservative country when it comes to death and wailing and tearing at your hair serves only to embarrass people. Is it healthy? Almost certainly not.

However much you dislike it, there is always an 'expected' way to behave.

Can you say anything to your loud chap? Probably not, unless it is really upsetting the main family, in which case someone could see if he wanted to grab some fresh air outside.

And actually, the OP should be commended for actually raising the topic of death/funerals so we can discuss it. Talking about death/funerals more can only be helpful in my opinion.

Kynthia

OP I think if your post had just been about this one person who barely knew the deceased, hadn't seen them for decades, who then loads wailed and sobbed throughout the service and even refused a tissue so that he could loudly sniff during the vicar's words which distracted others then the responses may have been more balanced. I do believe this could have been attention seeking, but hard to say as you don't know what is going on in their head, or at least very distracting (if someone knows they are usually noisy they could perhaps sit at the back and use a tissue).

I think what most responded to was the other things you said or implied or that people interpreted from your comments. That people shoud take their cues from those closest to the deceased, that crying can be controlled, that not crying is dignified, etc. I think it was these things people disagreed with. We're all different, you can't know how others feel or what they are going through, sometimes it's easier for those not closest to cry as those closest often have things to do and focus on during the day or are too early in a more severe grieving process, that those closest might be reacting differently to each other, etc, etc. So while I disagreed with some of what you said I hope you don't feel I attacked you and I don't believe most others did (although I haven't read every post) as strongly disagreeing isn't personal or doesn't mean I can't see your point of view.

catkins

I think often people that can control their emotions can't understand or believe that others can't.

My family and my OH, obviously, know what I am like. I have been like it since a child. I honestly wish I could control my emotions and crying more but I really can't.

I have tried thinking about happy things, biting the inside of my cheek, digging my finger nail into my hand - lots of thing but nothing works.

One of my aunts did not cry at all at her husband's funeral. I didn't think any less of her but was just really amazed that she could hold her emotion like that.

I dread anyone close to me dying because I will be a sobbing hysterical wreck

peachyprice

catkins wrote: »

I dread anyone close to me dying because I will be a sobbing hysterical wreck

Let's hope OP doesn't turn up at the funeral then

pebbles88

Judi wrote: »

I cried loads when i went to my Aunties funeral a year ago. Didnt think i was going to make it out of the chapel without making a complete fool of myself but when Mom died last April i didnt cry at all. Aunties death was such a shock and Moms death was was a merciful relief. Sounds awful i know.:(

No it doesn't, when my mum passed, as much as it hurt, I was happy for her not to be suffering anymore. Nobody wants a loved one to be in so much pain x

surveyqueenuk

Judi wrote: »

I cried loads when i went to my Aunties funeral a year ago. Didnt think i was going to make it out of the chapel without making a complete fool of myself but when Mom died last April i didnt cry at all. Aunties death was such a shock and Moms death was was a merciful relief. Sounds awful i know.:(

That's not awful at all. It IS a relief when someone is released from their suffering and it is merciful. I didn't cry at my Dad's funeral because he had suffered so much, he was in so much pain and whilst of course I was extremely sad, I was glad that his suffering was finally over. HE had no chance of recovery you see. My brother, on the other hand, just dropped dead out of the blue in the street one morning. I cried buckets at his funeral.

Hermia

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Perhaps that thought sparked the emotion? Many of us regret not keeping in contact with people when it is too late.

Additionally, whether you consider them particularly close or not, the person crying could have held them in high regard. I can think of several people who I have all but lost touch with due to life just passing by and yet, if I heard that they had died I would be genuinely upset. This is because at one period or other in my life they were a part of events I now look back on fondly and are people I respect and admire for various reasons..

Exactly! I was actually tearful last night because I heard that a colleague who I had not seen in years had died. I did not know him that well, but he was incredibly kind to me when I was a nervous kid in my first job and he did make a huge impression on me.

I have never been offended by people crying at funerals where I was the next of kin. I was always touched that so many people cared for my loved one even if they weren't that close to them. Hearing their stories of why they were so upset often helped me see a side of that person I did not know about.

Funerals do stir up some powerful emotions that aren't necessarily about the deceased. I lost my dad quite young and I am always a mess at funerals where the deceased had kids or teens. I see them and I know exactly how they feel and I cry for them. I can't help it.