Change of plan

AylesburyDuck

jack_pott wrote: »

On the subject of funerals, what do people think is an appropriate age for attending a funeral? It intrigues me to see 5 or 6 year olds at funerals in TV dramas, but I don't recall seeing children that young at any of the funerals I've been to.

Personal choice. My Daughter attended the funeral of 2 Aunts of mine when she was 3 months old and 5 months old, both had clung to life so they could wait her birth and spend some time, and the entire family thought it fitting.

esmy

jack_pott wrote: »

On the subject of funerals, what do people think is an appropriate age for attending a funeral? It intrigues me to see 5 or 6 year olds at funerals in TV dramas, but I don't recall seeing children that young at any of the funerals I've been to.

Well, that's a whole other can of worms!

I took mine to their much loved grandads funeral when they were aged 6 and 11. They were prepared for what would happen and chose to come. Both cried heartily,by the way, as did others. I don't believe that it bothered anyone.

As teens both have attended funerals for young friends who have died in tragic circumstances and of friends parents, because they wanted to do so, not because of any expectation that they would.

balletshoes

jack_pott wrote: »

On the subject of funerals, what do people think is an appropriate age for attending a funeral? It intrigues me to see 5 or 6 year olds at funerals in TV dramas, but I don't recall seeing children that young at any of the funerals I've been to.

I think this is very much down to the parents. My daughter was 4 when my Dad died, her older cousins (13 and 17) were part of the funeral party (they both took a rope in the graveyard) but she and her other cousins (aged 5 and 8) were not at the church or the graveyard, we had a family friend look after them and then I collected them to take them to the "cuppie" at the hotel afterwards.

SailorSam

jack_pott wrote: »

On the subject of funerals, what do people think is an appropriate age for attending a funeral? It intrigues me to see 5 or 6 year olds at funerals in TV dramas, but I don't recall seeing children that young at any of the funerals I've been to.

When my Mum died my two nieces were i think 3 and 5. We took the older one, then next day took them both while we buried the ashes. The younger one asked me ........ Is this my Nans heaven ?
That made me cry.

1886

I didn't cry at my Grandma's funeral which was over five years ago. I really wanted to but I wanted to appear strong for my Mum.

It was a really big mistake because I've never gotten over her death and I think that is partly why.

ManofLeisure_2

I'm puzzled as to why this would be an issue for you. Surely your focus should be upon the poor soul who has lost their life, and not upon those in attendance.

thorsoak

Eliza wrote: »

No of course not and wouldn't want to and those closest were absolutely devastated, but people can take cues on how to behave from others. However catkins' response has shown me that it isn't always that controllable, though I do think that slipping out the back for a good blow and breath of air is still more respectful if feelings are uncontrollable and attract attention away from the proceedings in hand. Especially when the mourner hasn't seen the person who has died for 30 yrs plus, and was never particularly close anyway.

Oh dear, I can feel myself becoming defensive and wish now I'd never asked about it.

How do you think your friend would think, if he saw this thread, and realised that you were writing about him? Please have a thought for others' feelings.

Andypandyboy

Eliza wrote: »

No of course not and wouldn't want to and those closest were absolutely devastated, but people can take cues on how to behave from others. However catkins' response has shown me that it isn't always that controllable, though I do think that slipping out the back for a good blow and breath of air is still more respectful if feelings are uncontrollable and attract attention away from the proceedings in hand. Especially when the mourner hasn't seen the person who has died for 30 yrs plus, and was never particularly close anyway.

Oh dear, I can feel myself becoming defensive and wish now I'd never asked about it.

Perhaps that thought sparked the emotion? Many of us regret not keeping in contact with people when it is too late.

Additionally, whether you consider them particularly close or not, the person crying could have held them in high regard. I can think of several people who I have all but lost touch with due to life just passing by and yet, if I heard that they had died I would be genuinely upset. This is because at one period or other in my life they were a part of events I now look back on fondly and are people I respect and admire for various reasons..

Eliza_2

thorsoak wrote: »

How do you think your friend would think, if he saw this thread, and realised that you were writing about him? Please have a thought for others' feelings.

Thank you for this admonishment.

Bogalot

Eliza wrote: »

Thank you for this admonishment, it was actually the feelings of the chief mourners, those who had lost someone really close to them and for whom they had cared and loved for years and years that I would actually like to spare. However, it's not as if I was planning on passing a note along the aisle to say 'pull yourself together and shut up' or anything, however I was interested in others' views on this and have now received those views. And very interesting too.

Having sat with a mother at a funeral whose son had died, listening to the sniffs and sobs behind (from just one person) while trying to attend to the vicar, did nothing to help her feelings. She worked hard to be all dignity and calm, controlled sorrow in public. Just her way I suppose, in the same way as giving vent to grief is others' way. Perhaps he might consider the impact his behaviour might have on her feelings too.

You're still not getting it. Crying is not a "behaviour", it is not something one can or should have to control. How can tears be hurtful to someone?

There is nothing healthy about "controlled sorrow", and there is nothing undignified about showing emotion.