Change of plan

peachyprice

Eliza wrote: »

She worked hard to be all dignity and calm, controlled sorrow in public. Just her way I suppose, in the same way as giving vent to grief is others' way. Perhaps he might consider the impact his behaviour might have on her feelings too.

She shouldn't have felt she had to though, that's the point really, but I suppose she did because she thought people would judge her for actually showing her true emotions, very sad indeed.

catkins

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

Especially as this person is a friend and not family, how many mutual acquaintances do you have dying that his crying is actually becoming a problem at funerals?

With that said, I can sympathise with you to some extent. Personally I've only been to one funeral but the news of death has been broken on a few occasions to my mother. She would wail, cry uncontrollably and been in an emotional state for about an hour or two.

I always thought it was a little inappropriate when you never even knew the person well and direct family, parents, children etc., were able to control themselves.

She done the same when Michael Jackson died. When I came home to the noise, my heart sank in panic thinking something happened to one of my siblings. It reminds me somewhat of Munchausen syndrome, I think it ultimately comes down to attention seeking.

It certainly is not attention seeking in my case. I really wish I didn't cry so easily. It is often embarrassing but I just don't seem able to control it

Pollycat wrote: »

Easy to say, not so easy to do.

If you are an emotional person you can't just stop crying simply because the close family aren't displaying grief.

Exactly and thank you for understanding that is how some people are. I cry so easily that almost no day goes by that I don't cry even if only a little. I purposely rarely watch anything I think will be sad (I certainly won't go the cinema to see a sad film). I don't dare watch films like Bambi, Dumbo or Watership Down (the song from Watership Down has me in floods). I don't listen to sad songs - Honey and In the Ghetto are 2 that immediately spring to mind but there are many that make me run to the radio to turn it off or right down. I often don't watch the news as that almost always makes me cry. Sad stories on facebook about children or animals make me cry. The list is almost endless.

I also cry at happy things but do usually find that easier to control.

I am in my 60's now and have just about always been like it so not much chance of being able to change now.

A poster mentioned a funeral where people were asked not to cry. Well I would just not be able to attend then. I can assure you going outside and trying to compose myself would not work in a million years

Nicki

Did the mother actually say that to you, or are you projecting your own feelings about this man's visible distress on to her?

It seems to me that you and this mourner have very different personalities but that doesn't make one of you right and one wrong. Out of interest do you otherwise like this man? If you do, could you not have this conversation with him at a time when neither of you are newly bereaved? If you don't like him in real life however I think you may be letting that colour how you are reacting to his presence at funerals. In which case, you may have to decide that for funerals where you are not a close family member of the bereaved, that you make a conscious effort to sit a long way away from both the cryer and the family of the deceased so that you are less annoyed by him and cannot see the family to speculate how this is affecting them. If you are the family of the deceased, then you may be forgiven f you ask this man not to attend the funeral if he is going to sob loudly. Whilst that would be a very unusual and indeed quite unkind thing to do, you might get away with it as a newly bereaved family member.

If you wouldn't be prepared to sit far away from the family of the bereaved, you might have to ask yourself whether you are also an attention seeker at funerals but of a different kind.

Person_one

Eliza wrote: »

Thank you for this admonishment, it was actually the feelings of the chief mourners, those who had lost someone really close to them and for whom they had cared and loved for years and years that I would actually like to spare. However, it's not as if I was planning on passing a note along the aisle to say 'pull yourself together and shut up' or anything, however I was interested in others' views on this and have now received those views. And very interesting too.

Having sat with a mother at a funeral whose son had died, listening to the sniffs and sobs behind (from just one person) while trying to attend to the vicar, did nothing to help her feelings. She worked hard to be all dignity and calm, controlled sorrow in public. Just her way I suppose, in the same way as giving vent to grief is others' way. Perhaps he might consider the impact his behaviour might have on her feelings too.

I don't really think its on for you to try and claim some sort of moral high ground when you're criticising people for crying at funerals!

Eliza_2

Bogalot wrote: »

You're still not getting it. Crying is not a "behaviour", it is not something one can or should have to control. How can tears be hurtful to someone?

There is nothing healthy about "controlled sorrow", and there is nothing undignified about showing emotion.

I think I do get it.

Person_one

Eliza wrote: »

I think I do get it, (do I?) it's not about the crying, it's about not popping out for a breath of air and a good blow, or similar. Catkins has explained very eloquently. And in terms of the lady who was dignified, I think that might be an age thing, she cried plenty (and raged with anger) at home but in public held it together. For her own sake as well as others. Thanks all.

Dignity schmignity.

Its a funeral, somebody died, somebody that the attendees presumably cared about or they wouldn't be there. Why should they miss the service or have to stand outside isolated instead of in the warmth and presence of the other mourners for the 'crime' of daring to show their sadness.

Caring too much about 'dignity' and pride and keeping up appearances and not showing our feelings in public and pretending not to be affected by affecting things is completely pointless and unhealthy and probably responsible for a fair amount of mental illness and unhappiness.

Bogalot

Eliza wrote: »

I think I do get it, (do I?) it's not about the crying, it's about not popping out for a breath of air and a good blow, or similar. Catkins has explained very eloquently. And in terms of the lady who was dignified, I think that might be an age thing, she cried plenty (and raged with anger) at home but in public held it together. For her own sake as well as others. Thanks all.

You're so judgemental. You decide what is dignified and what is not, you try to dictate whether someone should have to leave the service because they are upset. You even try to suggest that someone's upset might be hurtful to others.

Everyone grieves differently. You do not have the right to suggest that what others do is right or wrong. Get over yourself.

Andypandyboy

This thread has amazed me, I honestly would never have thought that showing feelings at a funeral could be frowned upon, quite the reverse in fact. I would see it as someone being touched by the occasion, and if it was a close relative would take comfort from knowing others were so moved.

OP, I really think that if this is all you have to worry about then you are quite lucky.

System

cjdavies wrote: »

My Nan passed away last year, I never cried and even at her funeral I never did either, I'm the complete opposite.

I cried loads when i went to my Aunties funeral a year ago. Didnt think i was going to make it out of the chapel without making a complete fool of myself but when Mom died last April i didnt cry at all. Aunties death was such a shock and Moms death was was a merciful relief. Sounds awful i know.:(

Eliza_2

Just been through this to edit my post - as someone suggested, it would be hurtful if this person read it. However of course that's pointless as they've been quoted. Sorry for any offence, I was trying to see all sides of the issue.