Unwelcome attention from a male flatmate

Voyager2002

Let us be clear: race is totally irrelevant to this situation. Culture may, however, be contributing to the problem. South Asia (Indian subcontinent) does produce a significant number of young men who lack social skills when relating with the opposite sex, and have strange beliefs about western women. Most women who travel in that part of the world have stories to tell about the encounters that result, and these stories are generally unpleasant rather than frightening. And in fairness, South Asia is inhabited by many millions of people and includes untold numbers of young men who behave in a perfectly correct and respectful manner. Young men from this part of the world who come to study in Britain may have and cause problems because of their lack of social skills, but generally learn fairly quickly. Perhaps all that is needed is for the OP's daughter to explain that his behaviour is not regarded as acceptable in western society.

What does puzzle me is that he is apparently sharing a room with a female partner. Such a situation would be regarded as scandalous and unacceptable by most families in the region. The university might also be interested in the situation, particularly if it is a single room...

Over all, I am afraid that I wonder whether this story is a work of fiction.

bestpud

danielle24 wrote: »

That's disgusting - anyone can be a pervert regardless of race (I've met my fair share of white guys who are!) and I am not sure mentioning his background at the start was really called for.

Yes, that is the post I was referring to when I said there was an exception.

I do think it is relevent to question a possible cultural difference however as that could point to a misunderstanding and would affect how it is best dealt with.

bestpud

Voyager2002 wrote: »

Over all, I am afraid that I wonder whether this story is a work of fiction.

What makes you think that? I ask because it doesn't immediately stand out as a wind up post.

andyrules

pinkshoes, he is not a naughty child - but a grown man who is intimidating a young woman. He is not burping or farting in her company, read what has been said. So he'd have to make very overtly sexual threats such as lifting up her skirt for you to accept there may be a POTENTIAL danger here. Yes, this guy may well be a physically harmless plank, but how does she know that? does she really have to ask? He is certainly making her feel threatened. We know that she is afraid - let's not forget that she is the one who has experienced this and has the gut feeling. it's very easy to suggest that she simply tells him off when you are safe in your own front room, I would say her perspective is a different one.

I doubt that Fred West's victims realised how far he would go when they felt uncomfortable with his behaviour.

Even though the situation has changed in that she now has friends sharing I believe she should report him to the halls manager. Chances are, he will carry on like this with others, maybe pushing it further depending on their reaction. Welfman has said he may be on record already. None of us on here know what the outcome COULD be. If there is a cultural thing, then it's time it was addressed.
As for whoever made the 'running to mummy' comment, at 4am, how many useful numbers would she have keyed into her mobile when she was frightened?

Last year my DD shared with some very messy and smelly blokes and had the odd grumble about it, to them as well as me. I'm sure she annoyed them in some way. If she'd had the guy on here, the motorway between our 2 towns would have burned at 4am!!

Voyager2002

bestpud wrote: »

What makes you think that? I ask because it doesn't immediately stand out as a wind up post.

It is surprising to hear about an unmarried Asian couple sharing a room (unless they are culturally assimilated to UK values and ways of behaving, which does not seem to be the case here). And universities do not generally let single rooms to couples, while the woman's part-time job suggests that she is very much "on the map" so far as the the university is concerned. Besides which, few men are so stupid as to put "the moves" on a woman who lives in the flat that they share with their partner.

No, it is not a wind-up post, but I suspect that several aspects have got blurred or distorted before being posted.

andyrules

Voyager2002 wrote: »

It is surprising to hear about an unmarried Asian couple sharing a room (unless they are culturally assimilated to UK values and ways of behaving, which does not seem to be the case here). And universities do not generally let single rooms to couples, while the woman's part-time job suggests that she is very much "on the map" so far as the the university is concerned. Besides which, few men are so stupid as to put "the moves" on a woman who lives in the flat that they share with their partner.

No, it is not a wind-up post, but I suspect that several aspects have got blurred or distorted before being posted.

Yes, I thought it odd that they share a room, also that they stay in halls permanently. However, I don't know that much about other uni halls, just the ones I've seen.

GhostBusterDuster

lol

:A

mugs :T

Torby

Perhaps I can draw a line under this now as the thread has started to drift into some really weird territory, I'll finish by making a few points:

The post is genuine.

The couple are Malaysian, hence...there may have been something lost in translation?

The situation I felt was awkward because of his girlfriends position on the staff...would you believe a "new girl" if she complained about your fiancee

Alone in a flat at 4.00am...even some big blokes might be a bit nervous

(Pinkshoes) she could happily confront any man that is rude/abusive or even physical towards her (she's sparred with British male Karate Champion and did'nt manage too bad), but it comes down to, was his fiancee in a position to cause problems?...as for "distraught" (pinkshoes words not mine) yes she was a bit frightened at 4.00 in the morning...but as I went on to describe it ..."an awkward situation"...."looking for suggestions"

my concern, and some of you have picked up on it, is how people in postitions at work or life may, or indeed do abuse the trust or powers they weild...again as I said..."the distraction and worry"...not being able even to relax, cook food or come and go with friends because the other flat dwellers intimate they have some "power" over what goes on in halls.

Unfortunately some posters have tried to turn this thread into a debate about Racism or how people should put up with abuse, or if they dont they will live a sad lonely existence, again I asked for suggestions...and at the end of the day its up to me to decide which ones make sense, which ones are mature and intelligent...and which ones are written by the really "sad" people in our society, and I think most of us can spot them, fortunately my daughter is the type of person who will happily defend those who need help and with hard work this year and next, end up in a position to challenge "one of the boys" when they appear in front of her and their defence is..."well they all did it....I just joined in"

Thanks again to posters, you know who you are... solution arrived at using snippets pieced together from the intelligent suggestions....I know the way I would choose to sort it was not correct...but I'm old school and you have to live your life the way society dictates or anarchy rules

GhostBusterDuster

You're very welcome Torby, glad I could help

Thea's_Mummy

GhostBusterDuster wrote: »

Even if she is a post grad she could be at a brand new university - if not then why go in halls, everyone rents a house with their friends. If she has no friends then she needs to look at herself in the mirror and ask why.

Total over reaction to me. It sounds like the fella didn't try to get in her room - he just knocked on her door (when he was drunk, just coming in from a club) and asked to see if she wanted a drink.

I do not see what the big deal is - everyone he is claiming some kind of rapist. Is it a race thing?

with respect, please read back through this thread. No-one has mentioned the word rape apart from yourself. You have also tried to turn this into a race issue which it is not.