Unwelcome attention from a male flatmate

bestpud

I'm glad she's feeling safer now and it must be a huge relief for you as well!

I think it may be worthwhile speaking to someone at the SU anyway, just to ask advice and to get some sort of third party record of what has happened? It may seem overkill now she is one of a few but he may start again once they are all settled and it would add weight to any future issues. It could perhaps even be a female student form a different flat or just attending the uni the next time and it will help if there is already a complaint about him.

Let's hope he behaves himself from now on though - I'd be livid if it were my daughter and have to agree with a previous poster about being a bit more reactive than normal when my children are involved!

pinkshoes

Are you sure your daughter isn't just over-reacting to this slightly? This guy just sounds like he's being over-the-top friendly, maybe trying to make her feel at home/welcome and to get rid of any nerves! I know alot of people like this, and although i find it rather odd to be hugged and swung round, i accept that some people find it funny! I'd be slightly annoyed at being woken up at 4am, but my old housemates did it to me a few times if they were up studying, or had just come in - usually just to ask if I wanted a cup of tea, or to see if I was awake (!)

Maybe your daughter just hasn't come across someone as lively and boisterous like this before? I'm sure she'll come across many more unusual/odd characters at uni.

Your post just makes it sound like she should have gone into female only halls if she's bothered by friendly male behaviour. I'm sure she's big enough to be sorting things out for herself by now, and I can guarentee she'll probably come across MUCH worse than this!

marleyboy

Glad to hear it is all balancing out for her Torby, Wish her good luck on her courses from us all

knowledgeman

pinkshoes wrote: »

Are you sure your daughter isn't just over-reacting to this slightly? This guy just sounds like he's being over-the-top friendly, maybe trying to make her feel at home/welcome and to get rid of any nerves! I know alot of people like this, and although i find it rather odd to be hugged and swung round, i accept that some people find it funny! I'd be slightly annoyed at being woken up at 4am, but my old housemates did it to me a few times if they were up studying, or had just come in - usually just to ask if I wanted a cup of tea, or to see if I was awake (!)

Maybe your daughter just hasn't come across someone as lively and boisterous like this before? I'm sure she'll come across many more unusual/odd characters at uni.

Your post just makes it sound like she should have gone into female only halls if she's bothered by friendly male behaviour. I'm sure she's big enough to be sorting things out for herself by now, and I can guarentee she'll probably come across MUCH worse than this!

Yes because asking a young woman you've just met if shes "a naughty girl" is just that

I think not

Im using my experience here and stating I believe hes yet another asian pervert who thinks sexual assault is ok

Parisien

Yup, have to agree, slap him down, put him back in his box, its known as sexual assault, do not let him off...end of.

This type or predator is a danger to those vulnerable females who are not chaparoned by males of their own family......ergo...open to being taken advantage of, belittled and made feel inadequate......do not stand for it!!!

Again, if he has done it once, he's very capable of doing it again, don't be afraid to send out a very strong signal!

If your daughter felt awful, it was for a very good reason....he did something wrong.

Thea's_Mummy

Glad to hear your update Torby, I hope that you are all now feeling more comfortable with the situation. As a parent of 2, (19 and 21) if either of my children rang me at 4am I know that it would be for a very good reason; your daughter must have been very frightened.
I have to agree with the comments made by "bestpud" ... a formal complaint should be made, if only for future reference.
To be honest I found the remarks from "pinkshoes" unhelpful but I'm sure that they were meant kindly.
Regardless of their race, colour , or religious beleifs; if anyone touched my daughter in an undesirable way then I would have no option, it would have to be resolved one way or another.
Wishing you all the best ...It's never easy being a parent ! x

Tustastic

Torby, I'm glad your daughter's situation is much better now. I second the advice to discuss the incidents with uni admin and the student union. It won't change the past but it will put the incident on record. If the other student causes any more trouble in the property, then he should be the one to move out, not anyone else.
I would also strongly encourage your daughter to check out local courses on personal safety for women, and assertiveness, because texting a parent a long way away at four in the morning is not an effective or appropriate way to get help if you feel you are at risk.
I was lucky enough to take part in a free personal safety class for women, funded by the local police and council. It was great fun and all about helping us to be confident and prepared to go out and about - hope your daughter finds one as good.

Torby

Just to add a few things (as well as thank posters again!...great forum by the way)...my daughter isn't a fresher, this will be her 4th year away from home, she has previously lived in halls 4 yrs ago, then a student let for the next 2 years (last one shared with 5 other students), she is a post grad now doing her GDL (Law conversion), and will be 22 next month, so she's not a young fresher and perhaps this is more worrying if it happened to someone on their first stay away from home which knowing her was probably on her mind.

Tustastic: hate to say this but some of the courses on personal safety, while good and encouraging assertiveness etc sometimes fall flat when the person is confronted in a real situation and sometimes can produce the wrong result...my daughter Jess has actually taken some of these classes, sorry "run" some of them...she is a black belt in Karate and has actually been on the Northern ireland junior squad as well as coached juniors in her local club when she got older (started karate at 12), her brother is actually a brown belt, I hold a blue belt and even her mother is a 3rd kyu...

bottom line, if confronted RUN!...thats right....RUN!...fighting has to be the very last resort, and at that stage gouging eyes, severe attack on the groin area and even biting are permissable...but if you can run...please do it.

Thanks again everyone

Torby

pinkshoes

Thea's_Mummy wrote: »

To be honest I found the remarks from "pinkshoes" unhelpful but I'm sure that they were meant kindly.

They were meant kindly. I was just trying to put things in a different perspective.

There are LOTS of odd people in life that think it's OK to ask inappropriate questions. I speak from experience, and I think it's important to stand up for yourself in these situations. I have faced far worse day in day out; innuendos, comments, insults, p*ss taking etc... I am a female in a male dominated environment. If I were to react like your daughter, my working life would be a very lonely and miserable place. Instead, I stand up for myself, and give as good as I get. They were pushing the boundaries at first, but now they know it doesn't bother me in the slightest and certainly isn't going to upset me or give me sleepness nights, they treat me as "one of the lads", and if anyone says something nasty to me in a non-joking manner, I have a whole team of men who will stand up for me!

I'm sure we all wish for a world where everyone is nothing but polite, thoughtful and helpful, but it's naive to think the world is like that, and rather than wasting your life getting upset by things like this, it's best to just stand up to them.

duchy

A university is a very different enviroment to a male dominated industry. However I do think this guy was "pushing the boundries" to see how far he could go just as PinkShoe's collegues did at first. He was testing the water.
My rule of thumb is-if the behaviour made the OP's daughter uncomfortable then it WAS inappropriate. It may have been appropriate in another setting but it wasn't in what is essentially her "home". Different rules apply.
I would suggest she still speaks to the Welfare officer and asks that a record is made.