Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give as much if I'm only going to the evening do?

onlyroz

It might be easier if you just got your own gift.


As for "evening do vs whole day" - there are different reasons for doing this. A modern wedding seems to be split into three segments: ceremony, big fancy dinner, and a disco. Personally, I can see why the first segment might have constraints on numbers - but I do think that if you're going to do a fancy dinner followed by a disco then you should invite the same people to both. I have been "just" an evening guest and it is pretty weird to turn up to a party that is already in full swing where most of the other guests have been there for hours already.


For my own wedding we had the ceremony (20 guests) and an evening party (100 guests). We skipped the big fancy dinner in its entirety, which I think considerably reduced the stress and boredom for all involved.

elizabethhull

brewerdave wrote: »

...Have to agree with this post - In the past we HAVE attended a wedding just for the evening "do" -and found it quite unpleasant as most of the guests had already drunk their fill, it was very noisy,the groom and his "mates" were out of their skulls, and we didn't even see the bride!!
We recently were invited to the evening of a niece's wedding when most of the other uncles/aunts were invited to the whole event -we declined the invitation as we felt very offended ...and no wedding present!
I fully understand the point about costs but the bride/groom need to think VERY carefully about guest lists!

We've been to 5 weddings in the past 2 years, all children of friends to whose weddings we were absolutely delighted to be invited, and NOT ONE was like that in the evening !

If you are invited it is wonderful, to whatever part. If you are so easily offended maybe that's one reason you weren't invited to the whole thing. A wedding invitation is a wish that you can share in a couple's special day, not an entitlement based on your perceived relationship.

We told our girls when we gave a contribution to their weddings that it came with no caveats about the guest list - it was entirely up to them. In fact they invited a number of family friends because they wanted to, but those who were invited to the evening kindly sent presents whether they turned up or not - and the value of these presents was as nothing compared to the thought that they had bothered.

I would say to the OP that they do their own thing ('Oh I didn't realise it would be a joint present - I've already got something'). Then a voucher or modest gift will be fine. Most couples would also be thrilled if you send some interesting photos you've taken at the wedding, not the posed ones the official photographer has taken.

Petwith

This seems a pecularly mercenary approach to friendship. Surely if you are truly a friend you give what you can afford and the type of invitation should be irrelevant.

Gavin83

shoeaddict2310 wrote: »

If you even have to ask this question about a friends wedding gift I don't think your very good friends and maybe you shouldn't go at all...

If your only invited to the evening part then I'd suggest you probably aren't good friends, more acquaintances. If you were good friends then surely you'd be invited to the whole event.

gaving7095

There's no right or wrong, it's more about what you can afford and / or feel comfortable spending.
I wouldn't let what you have or haven't been invited to factor into the equation.
If you weren't going anyway (i.e. but had still been invited), does that mean you wouldn't even consider contributing for any gift?

drmouse

If your only invited to the evening part then I'd suggest you probably aren't good friends, more acquaintances.

Not necessarily. If someone is having a registry office wedding, a wedding on a budget, or has a very large family, they will not necessarily be able to fit all their good friends in. I ended up in this situation myself (on a budget and a large family). However, I did still want my friends to celebrate with me, so invited them to the evening do.

Don't be so quick to make judgements!

As for the initial question, I would suggest that the amount you pay for a gift is not down to which part of the wedding you are invited to. It a matter for your own circumstances, morals, and situation.

[Deleted User]

With our wedding, we had a limit on the number of seated guests, and our limit was hit by immediate family and close, long-term friends. I'm sure this happens with most people.

So, work colleagues and less-long-term friends came along for the evening. I really wouldn't expect much more than a card from them, as they are invited "because I want to have a party with them".

If you've ever organised a wedding, you'll understand that not 100% of the decision-making process is in your hands, and etiquette dictates that family comes before friends.

I'd never feel upset about being invited as an evening guest - but I also wouldn't give a 'big' present (We'd normally spend about £100 to £150) either. I'd probably be looking at £30-50 as an evening guest.

SpekySquarehead

I would spend the correct amount depending on how close I know the person getting married, regardless if I'm there all day or the evening.

As previously pointed out, there are many constraints during the day (I know as I work in the events industry) so people have to make a tough and often guilt ridden choice about who comes when.

The gift of giving should be based on your relationship with them and not anything else.

Bellisima

I usually give less to a wedding where it is only the evening do. The weddings I have been to recently for the whole day, the guest list is quite small simply due to the huge costs involved. It doesn't mean you are less of a friend to be invited just to the evening do, it is often due to costs. Amazing how many people are offended by this. Do you know how much an all day wedding costs?

cyantist

Petwith wrote: »

This seems a pecularly mercenary approach to friendship. Surely if you are truly a friend you give what you can afford and the type of invitation should be irrelevant.

I think saying you give what you can afford is a bit silly.

I could afford to give £250, probably more, as a wedding present and if it was my sister getting married I'd give that. But just because I can afford to give £250, should I give that to a colleague who I'm not particularly close to (because if we were that close I'd have been invited to the day event)?

At our wedding I didn't really expect anything from the evening guests. Some brought champagne or gave a small amount of cash and it was very appreciated. Whereas I'd have been a little upset if daytime guests hadn't given anything at all, simply because they were our family and very close friends.