Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give as much if I'm only going to the evening do?

selement

Wow our evening guests aren't 'making up numbers ' they're people we'd love to invite to the full day but it's getting so expensive so if we've known them less time or are a bit less close they got an evening invite instead. I hope none of our friends are offended in this way! I think it's fine to pay less for an evening invite, maybe have 1 gift from the day guests of the group and 1 from the evening guests?

John_Gray

<curmudgeon>
They have probably lived together for years and years, and have long since acquired all the consumer durables that they could ever need.

Just wish them well, and thank the bride's father for the evening hospitality for which he will undoubtedly have paid.
:beer:
</curmudgeon>

brewerdave

Ladyhawk wrote: »

I find evening only invitations incredibly offensive and rude. I refuse to go just to the evening bit. If Im not a good enough friend to be invited to the ceremony the Im not going to turn up to make up the numbers in the evening. Save yourself money and worry and be otherwise engaged that evening.

...Have to agree with this post - In the past we HAVE attended a wedding just for the evening "do" -and found it quite unpleasant as most of the guests had already drunk their fill, it was very noisy,the groom and his "mates" were out of their skulls, and we didn't even see the bride!!
We recently were invited to the evening of a niece's wedding when most of the other uncles/aunts were invited to the whole event -we declined the invitation as we felt very offended ...and no wedding present!
I fully understand the point about costs but the bride/groom need to think VERY carefully about guest lists!

sherri01

My daughter gets married next year and the ceremonial room has a maximum capacity meaning she is limited to the number she can invite to the ceremony, she has thought long & hard about the guest list. My advice to her was its their day not the guests day and to invite who she wants and not concern herself with family politics. She certainly would not be offended if either full day or evening only guests did not give a present as the idea of the invitation is not to get a present but to share a special day with people you love

Noviceinvestor

Totally agree with Sherri01. Our ceremony was just for immediate family, a very small affair - the main celebration was the evening party. We told everyone in advance not to give us gifts, as that wasn't the point. Some still gave us gifts and one or two did Oxfam ones - e.g. paying for fresh water for an African village - which we really appreciated.

EssexHebridean

Remind me - why are you going to this wedding reception - is it because the person concerned is a FRIEND? If so, what on earth does just going to the evening have to do with wanting to give them a wedding present? A present isn't a "payment" for being invited you know!

If you can't afford to buy a gift the situation is different - so explain this to the group of friends who'd suggested you chip in, and then do something you can afford - a prettily planted pot of herbs, for example, if you can afford it though just get over yourself. Otherwise we can only hope that the person who's wedding it is realises before it's too late that you can always retract an invitation!

EssexHebridean

Ladyhawk wrote: »

I find evening only invitations incredibly offensive and rude. I refuse to go just to the evening bit. If Im not a good enough friend to be invited to the ceremony the Im not going to turn up to make up the numbers in the evening. Save yourself money and worry and be otherwise engaged that evening.

Wow - does it not occur to you that there are often number constraints on ceremonies, and budgetary constraints on sit-down meals? In fairness though, it sounds very much like your friends may have a good measure of what you're like, and in fact the reason you only get invited to an evening do may be because they feel that they "have" to invite you...I bet there's a sense of relief when you decline it! :rotfl:

iclayt

I got married 5 months ago. One of my best friends for over 25 years travelled a very long way to be there during the ceremony and do a reading for us, and paid a lot in travel and hotel costs; we never received a gift from her and I thought that fair enough. On the other hand, we invited a couple of people we hardly ever see to the evening do - friends, just live over an hour away so hard to catch up often - and they were thrilled with the invitation, bought us chocolates, a buyagift 'foodie experience' voucher, and lovely expensive looking candle. Friends of my MiL and FiL - not even relations - spent almost £100 pounds on us from our wedding list, whereas 3 friends my partner went to school with, and has been friends with ever since, wrote a joint card together and put £25 on a John Lewis card between them - and two are on £40k+ a year. We didn't bat an eyelid and bought a nice vase with it.

Everyone has different ideas about what is appropriate and everyone has different budgets. Weddings are about celebrating a marriage, not presents.

Pay what you can afford into the group gift, or buy something yourself, or don't buy anything at all. If the hosts are expecting a present in return for an invitation, they aren't very good hosts, and if friends give you a hard time for not putting in as much to a gift, they aren't very good friends.

jules99

You didn't say if you are invited to the evening do only or whether you couldn't make the wedding itself and choose to attend the evening do only. If you were invited then you shouldn't be thinking that it's unfair you are contributing the same. If people have been invited to the wedding itself surely they are closer friends and closer family and they should buy individual presents or at least collect amongst themselves. If you weren't invited and are a close friend it could just be limited people are going due to affordability so nothing stopping a person contributing the same but if you aren't a close friend there is nothing wrong with just putting less in. It's a difficult one because it's likely whoever is organising the collection knows how much people have contributed & that may be awkward for you. If you know how many are attending evening do only within this group of people you could always organise a collection with those separate. You could always just buy a bottle of something and tell the group that you are buying yourself.

chocaholicmanc

As an upcoming bride I do not expect any gifts at all from either 'full' guests or evening only guests. I wouldn't be offended at all receiving 'less' from an evening guest than a 'full' guest.


We're getting married abroad and having a reception when we get back. There are so many of the people coming I'd have loved to invite to the wedding itself, but budget and other restrictions meant it just wasn't possible.


I'm gobsmacked someone thinks an evening only invite is an insult! Weddings (can be) stressful and expensive to organise. Yet someone has thought enough about you to ask you to come and celebrate with them and you think it's an insult?


As a guest I would never dream of attending a wedding without a gift of some kind though. But yes, I have always put slightly less into an evening gift than a full one. Usually because I just don't know the couple as well. Not really any other reason.


I agree with those saying put in what you can afford. The thought really does count. I once got a birthday present which someone had made. Clearly hadn't cost them as much as some of the things I'd been bought; however, I absolutely love it. Makes me smile every time I see it and I was really touched at the effort made. That is the point of a present!