Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give as much if I'm only going to the evening do?

CupcakeSquirrel

Wow!!! There are some very rude ungrateful people here aren't there!

Firstly, as MSE forumites, you should know that very many (if not all) brides and grooms are planning weddings under a lot of financial pressure. They are not cheap things to organise (in general - I know it can be done on the cheap). A day guest can cost upwards of £50 a head before you even consider cost for evening do attendance.

Secondly, the idea of people not being "worthy" of an invitation is absolutely not on. As a bride to be currently organising a wedding I can't tell you how stressful and emotional planning a guest list is! There are so many lovely people I'd love to invite to the whole event, but I just can't fit them in my venue, or my budget. It's genuinely impossible. Then again hopefully most of my friends will just be honoured to be invited to celebrate with us - in fact at least one I've mentioned it to has already said how honoured they'd be to be included at all.

Pollycat

CupcakeSquirrel wrote: »

Wow!!! There are some very rude ungrateful people here aren't there!

Firstly, as MSE forumites, you should know that very many (if not all) brides and grooms are planning weddings under a lot of financial pressure. They are not cheap things to organise (in general - I know it can be done on the cheap). A day guest can cost upwards of £50 a head before you even consider cost for evening do attendance.

Secondly, the idea of people not being "worthy" of an invitation is absolutely not on. As a bride to be currently organising a wedding I can't tell you how stressful and emotional planning a guest list is! There are so many lovely people I'd love to invite to the whole event, but I just can't fit them in my venue, or my budget. It's genuinely impossible. Then again hopefully most of my friends will just be honoured to be invited to celebrate with us - in fact at least one I've mentioned it to has already said how honoured they'd be to be included at all.

A lot of brides and grooms put themselves under financial pressure though, by believing that their wedding will only be a success if they provide their guests with all sorts of 'stuff' like photo booths, ice-cream vans, popcorn booths etc.

And by inviting extended family they've not seen or spoken to in years.
At my first wedding, many years ago, we were paying for all of it. As eldest children neither of our parents could afford to help financially.

We used to go out every Saturday with my husband-to-be's cousin & wife. We considered them good friends.
We invited them but not the cousin's brother who I'd never even met.
Cue major strop from cousin who declared he wouldn't come to the wedding if his brother wasn't invited.
We put him straight on why he'd been invited, then de-invited him and never spoke to him again.

Personally, I wouldn't feel slighted if I was only invited to the evening 'do'.

Gavin83

CupcakeSquirrel wrote: »

Wow!!! There are some very rude ungrateful people here aren't there!

Firstly, as MSE forumites, you should know that very many (if not all) brides and grooms are planning weddings under a lot of financial pressure. They are not cheap things to organise (in general - I know it can be done on the cheap). A day guest can cost upwards of £50 a head before you even consider cost for evening do attendance.

Secondly, the idea of people not being "worthy" of an invitation is absolutely not on. As a bride to be currently organising a wedding I can't tell you how stressful and emotional planning a guest list is! There are so many lovely people I'd love to invite to the whole event, but I just can't fit them in my venue, or my budget. It's genuinely impossible. Then again hopefully most of my friends will just be honoured to be invited to celebrate with us - in fact at least one I've mentioned it to has already said how honoured they'd be to be included at all.

I'm not in the same camp as those who'd consider it an insult to only be invited to the evening but it is clearly a very public way to rank your friends. The people in your wedding party are better friends that those invited to the whole event who in turn are better friends than those invited to the evening only.

I don't really a problem with this but I'd imagine if someone thought they were one of your closest friends and they aren't invited to the wedding it could cause some upset.

Lily-Rose_3

CupcakeSquirrel wrote: »

Wow!!! There are some very rude ungrateful people here aren't there!

Firstly, as MSE forumites, you should know that very many (if not all) brides and grooms are planning weddings under a lot of financial pressure. They are not cheap things to organise (in general - I know it can be done on the cheap). A day guest can cost upwards of £50 a head before you even consider cost for evening do attendance.

Secondly, the idea of people not being "worthy" of an invitation is absolutely not on. As a bride to be currently organising a wedding I can't tell you how stressful and emotional planning a guest list is! There are so many lovely people I'd love to invite to the whole event, but I just can't fit them in my venue, or my budget. It's genuinely impossible. Then again hopefully most of my friends will just be honoured to be invited to celebrate with us - in fact at least one I've mentioned it to has already said how honoured they'd be to be included at all.

Well if the bride and groom are under such severe financial pressure, and are so utterly, utterly poor, then why even HAVE this post-wedding 'night do' anyway? Is it just so they can say they had 300 odd people there on their day? It just comes across as showy IMO. 'Oooooh look how many people like me!' And the fact that people are kicking off because some people say they wouldn't go to the post-wedding 'night do' if they weren't invited to the actual wedding, just screams 'Bridezilla' to me!

As I said, if people are so utterly poor, and it's SUCH a struggle, then just have a small wedding with a modest amount of guests, and a small wedding breakfast. Having three different 'do's' for your wedding, doesn't make the marriage any better you know, and you're in for a rude awakening if you think it does. And here's a shocker for you; it doesn't make the WEDDING any better either.

I gather by the ire in your post that you are also someone who invited acquaintances, not-particularly-close friends, and extended family you barely know to the 'here's a soggy cucumber sandwich, didn't want you at my wedding, buy yer own drinks, but I want a present, I hope it's worth at least fifty quid' fiasco that is labelled the 'post wedding night do,'

And whilst at least ONE of your friends (at least one, aren't you sure of the exact number!) has said she will be HONOURED to be there, I can assure you that some will NOT be attending the night do, because they WILL feel that if they weren't good enough to be invited to the wedding, then they're not good enough to go to the post wedding night do.

Sorry hun, but people are different, and some people will be offended, whether you like it or not. And as I said earlier in the thread, people are entitled to their opinions and views. Deal with it.

Pollycat wrote: »

A lot of brides and grooms put themselves under financial pressure though, by believing that their wedding will only be a success if they provide their guests with all sorts of 'stuff' like photo booths, ice-cream vans, popcorn booths etc.

And by inviting extended family they've not seen or spoken to in years.
.

This ^ Why even invite 100s of people you're not that close to anyway?

And I'm not saying I would be morbidly offended. I am just saying that I wouldn't be spending a small fortune on attending a post wedding night do, forking out for taxis, an outfit, booze from the bar (never cheap!) babysitters if I had small kids, a PRESENT for the married couple - who would expect one of course, and God knows what else, if I wasn't invited to the actual wedding.

People have differing views, and the OP asked for differing views. I think people need to accept the fact that other people think differently to them on this, and stop throwing their dummy out of the pram,

Pixie5740

CupcakeSquirrel wrote: »

Wow!!! There are some very rude ungrateful people here aren't there!

Firstly, as MSE forumites, you should know that very many (if not all) brides and grooms are planning weddings under a lot of financial pressure. They are not cheap things to organise (in general - I know it can be done on the cheap). A day guest can cost upwards of £50 a head before you even consider cost for evening do attendance.

Secondly, the idea of people not being "worthy" of an invitation is absolutely not on. As a bride to be currently organising a wedding I can't tell you how stressful and emotional planning a guest list is! There are so many lovely people I'd love to invite to the whole event, but I just can't fit them in my venue, or my budget. It's genuinely impossible. Then again hopefully most of my friends will just be honoured to be invited to celebrate with us - in fact at least one I've mentioned it to has already said how honoured they'd be to be included at all.

Weddings can be as cheap or as expensive as people want to make them. I also don't understand constraints with venue size, if your venue can't accommodate everyone you would like to invite then choose another venue.

The best weddings I have been to are the lower key, laidback weddings where the bride & groom have only invited those they want there rather than those they think they ought to invite and those who are invited are invited to the full shebang, no evening guests. You can't please everyone, some people are going to be offended no matter what you do so you may as well do what you like.

When I'm invited to the evening do I don't feel insulted. It's generally a colleague's wedding or similar, someone I like but I'm not bosom buddies with. I think it's nice to be invited and if I can make it and I like the person I'll go, I wouldn't go as far to say I feel honoured though.

Pollycat

Lily-Rose wrote: »

And I'm not saying I would be morbidly offended. I am just saying that I wouldn't be spending a small fortune on attending a post wedding night do, forking out for taxis, an outfit, booze from the bar (never cheap!) babysitters if I had small kids, a PRESENT for the married couple - who would expect one of course, and God knows what else, if I wasn't invited to the actual wedding.

We were quite (pleasantly) surprised to be invited to our next door neighbour's son's blessing at church (the actual wedding was abroad) and to the evening 'do'.
We had known him for 25 years though, since he was 8 years old.

We would have been happy just to go to the evening party, it was local, a 5 minute bus ride from home but it was lovely to go to the service too. That was a short drive away.
I wore a not-new dress.
If it had involved travelling, taxis etc, we'd maybe have declined.

We bought a gift, they didn't have a wedding present list as they'd been living together for a while but we asked his Mum.
Even if we hadn't been invited to the evening do, we'd have still bought the same gift.

I would never give money as a wedding gift, even if that was what the bride & groom asked for.

I think I might have just opened up a whole new topic with the above comment.

catkins

Ladyhawk wrote: »

I find evening only invitations incredibly offensive and rude. I refuse to go just to the evening bit. If Im not a good enough friend to be invited to the ceremony the Im not going to turn up to make up the numbers in the evening. Save yourself money and worry and be otherwise engaged that evening.

I find your post and attitude incredible offensive and rude.

What on earth is all the rubbish about only being invited to make up the numbers in the evening?

brewerdave wrote: »

...Have to agree with this post - In the past we HAVE attended a wedding just for the evening "do" -and found it quite unpleasant as most of the guests had already drunk their fill, it was very noisy,the groom and his "mates" were out of their skulls, and we didn't even see the bride!!
We recently were invited to the evening of a niece's wedding when most of the other uncles/aunts were invited to the whole event -we declined the invitation as we felt very offended ...and no wedding present!
I fully understand the point about costs but the bride/groom need to think VERY carefully about guest lists!

I would think most brides/grooms think very carefully indeed about their guest list.

What if you are getting married somewhere small that only holds a certain amount of people? What if you want a small intimate ceremony - a wedding is about 2 people exchanging vows not how many guests they have there

Tropically wrote: »

When someone invites you only to the evening reception, they have 'tiered' you. They have gone through the list and decided that these people are first tier (wedding), these people are second tier (wedding breakfast), these people are third tier (evening reception). I think it's only reasonable to tier your present when the bridge/groom have so clearly decided that you are a third-tier friend.

Another absolute rubbish post.

I am honestly shocked and amazed at some posters' comments about only being invited to the evening.

I got married over 30 years ago and we originally thought about not inviting anyone - just the 2 of us and a couple of witness off the street. We then thought how upset our parents would be so we just invited our parents and siblings to the actual wedding.

We invited all our aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbours etc to an evening do and everyone we invited came.

Of course, that many years ago, we didn't expect presents costing a fortune, in fact we originally said we didn't want anything. We kept being told though that presents were going to be bought so we might as well have something we wanted or needed. As we didn't live together beforehand we did actually need just about everything. Anyway we made a list and there was nothing expensive on it. We had things like clothes pegs, tea towels, individual saucepans, frying pans etc.

If guests had not bought a present we really would not have cared but we were very grateful for everything we got.

We had a great time dancing and chatting to friends and I would hate to think any of them had the opinion of some of the small minded nasty people on here although I am pretty sure they didn't.

Oh and I have been to a few "just evening" weddings and never thought any less of the couple

Gloomendoom

Pollycat wrote: »

And by inviting extended family they've not seen or spoken to in years.

Lily-Rose wrote: »

This ^ Why even invite 100s of people you're not that close to anyway?

In my extended family, weddings are regarded primarily as family celebrations so, personally, I don't see anything wrong with this. One of the best things about weddings is that you get to see people that you may not have met in years.

We worked out our wedding list and then passed it to our respective mothers who the added the people that they thought should be invited.

It all worked out rather well. I'm not aware of anybody being offended and nobody went into debt. All guest were invited fr the full day... even the ones that turned up without an invitation.

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

We did not have an evening do at all. We were away, going at it hammer and tongs!
Registry office at eleven. Hitched by ten past. Quick coffee at MiL. Off to honeymoon. Sore Ted. Thirty years later. Still together. None of this carp they do nowadays.

ska_lover

CupcakeSquirrel wrote: »

Wow!!! There are some very rude ungrateful people here aren't there!

Firstly, as MSE forumites, you should know that very many (if not all) brides and grooms are planning weddings under a lot of financial pressure. They are not cheap things to organise (in general - I know it can be done on the cheap). A day guest can cost upwards of £50 a head before you even consider cost for evening do attendance.

Secondly, the idea of people not being "worthy" of an invitation is absolutely not on. As a bride to be currently organising a wedding I can't tell you how stressful and emotional planning a guest list is! There are so many lovely people I'd love to invite to the whole event, but I just can't fit them in my venue, or my budget. It's genuinely impossible. Then again hopefully most of my friends will just be honoured to be invited to celebrate with us - in fact at least one I've mentioned it to has already said how honoured they'd be to be included at all.

great post. there are a lot of hysterical people on here - and you are one of the few with your feet planted on the ground