Finances as a couple

maman

Peter333 wrote: »

Yes, of course we check before buying 'big' things - like a telly - but even if we had separate accounts we would check with the other first. Why the heck wouldn't you? What kind of relationship is THAT? You earn 30% more than your partner, you have separate accounts, and you go buy a new £400 stereo without mentioning it or consulting your partner, because it's YOUR money?! :eek:

Not a relationship I would like to be in. I would feel like I was leading a separate life to my wife.

I think I'm misreading this. IMO the whole point of having some separate money in a personal account is precisely so that there's no need to check with anyone. I need a new winter coat. If I went out tomorrow and bought one at £400 you think I need to ask my DH first. Why? It's my money. I've paid my half for this month's bills, we have plenty of savings (together and separately) and what's left is my own to do with as I please. That's the way I've managed my finances since I went to university at 18 and saw no need to change when I met my DH.

catkins

maman wrote: »

I think I'm misreading this. IMO the whole point of having some separate money in a personal account is precisely so that there's no need to check with anyone. I need a new winter coat. If I went out tomorrow and bought one at £400 you think I need to ask my DH first. Why? It's my money. I've paid my half for this month's bills, we have plenty of savings (together and separately) and what's left is my own to do with as I please. That's the way I've managed my finances since I went to university at 18 and saw no need to change when I met my DH.

Well a coat would be different to say a tv or stereo. In most if not all cases the tv or stereo would be used by both so I would feel a discussion would be needed - surely it's polite if nothing else?

I guess if you have your own den with a tv or stereo etc it would be different but do many people have that?

missbiggles1

maman wrote: »

I think I'm misreading this. IMO the whole point of having some separate money in a personal account is precisely so that there's no need to check with anyone. I need a new winter coat. If I went out tomorrow and bought one at £400 you think I need to ask my DH first. Why? It's my money. I've paid my half for this month's bills, we have plenty of savings (together and separately) and what's left is my own to do with as I please. That's the way I've managed my finances since I went to university at 18 and saw no need to change when I met my DH.

Ask, no - discuss, yes.

The difference is that some of us think that everything in a marriage is equally owned, others think in terms of "mine" and "his/hers". I don't think there's anything wrong with that but, if I'd felt like that about things, I would have just lived together rather than getting married. I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of marrying someone who felt like that about things.

jengraham69

Or refer to the good old, "whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine"....

maman

catkins wrote: »

Well a coat would be different to say a tv or stereo. In most if not all cases the tv or stereo would be used by both so I would feel a discussion would be needed - surely it's polite if nothing else?

I guess if you have your own den with a tv or stereo etc it would be different but do many people have that?

Yes, I agree that something like a stereo would need some discussion as it's more like a piece of furniture and if it was going into the main sitting room then both partners would need a say. I remember well when we moved into our first home together DH brought with him speakers the size of small wardrobes.:eek:


Fortunately now he has his playroom so all the music equipment he buys is his choice (although he lets me use it occasionally;)).

Peter333

maman wrote: »

I think I'm misreading this. IMO the whole point of having some separate money in a personal account is precisely so that there's no need to check with anyone. I need a new winter coat. If I went out tomorrow and bought one at £400 you think I need to ask my DH first. Why? It's my money. I've paid my half for this month's bills, we have plenty of savings (together and separately) and what's left is my own to do with as I please. That's the way I've managed my finances since I went to university at 18 and saw no need to change when I met my DH.

I would flippin' well hope so! If you are married, why would you NOT discuss spending such a large amount?

catkins wrote: »

Well a coat would be different to say a tv or stereo. In most if not all cases the tv or stereo would be used by both so I would feel a discussion would be needed - surely it's polite if nothing else?

I guess if you have your own den with a tv or stereo etc it would be different but do many people have that?

Exactly! Each to their own, but I couldn't be/wouldn't be in a marriage where my wife thinks it's OK to squander almost half a grand without mentioning it to me first.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Ask, no - discuss, yes.

The difference is that some of us think that everything in a marriage is equally owned, others think in terms of "mine" and "his/hers". I don't think there's anything wrong with that but, if I'd felt like that about things, I would have just lived together rather than getting married. I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of marrying someone who felt like that about things.

This ^^^ I wouldn't consider it a marriage if finances are so separate and individual, and the spouse is never considered for purchases of multiple 100s of pounds... It would feel like we were more like flatmates.

74jax

Peter333 wrote: »

I would flippin' well hope so! If you are married, why would you NOT discuss spending such a large amount?



Exactly! Each to their own, but I couldn't be/wouldn't be in a marriage where my wife thinks it's OK to squander almost half a grand without mentioning it to me first.



This ^^^ I wouldn't consider it a marriage if finances are so separate and individual, and the spouse is never considered for purchases of multiple 100s of pounds... It would feel like we were more like flatmates.

Oh could spend 2k on kites - kitesurfing hobby - and I wouldn't know. I might see the packaging. but sometimes not.

I wouldn't ever tell him how much things were unless he asked but he'd never say 'gorgeous dress, how much was it'.

I booked a holiday for us - he knew dates, but I surprised him with a penthouse suite during one of our stop offs , he never knew the price.

It's just not something that ever comes Up with us. I bought my car without him knowing cost etc. Or even seeing it actually.

melanzana

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Ask, no - discuss, yes.

The difference is that some of us think that everything in a marriage is equally owned, others think in terms of "mine" and "his/hers". I don't think there's anything wrong with that but, if I'd felt like that about things, I would have just lived together rather than getting married. I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of marrying someone who felt like that about things.

If the parties to a partnership/marriage are fine with a separate fund arrangement (when there is a big joint fund for everything else), I just don't see the problem here.

The only difference between living together and being married is the legal bit WRT next of kin and inheritance and break up of the relationship.

I think you doth protest too much!

Maybe some people are wary of what the other partner might have in their own account. Would that be your thinking maybe?

Peter333

74jax wrote: »

Oh could spend 2k on kites - kitesurfing hobby - and I wouldn't know. I might see the packaging. but sometimes not.

I wouldn't ever tell him how much things were unless he asked but he'd never say 'gorgeous dress, how much was it'.

I booked a holiday for us - he knew dates, but I surprised him with a penthouse suite during one of our stop offs , he never knew the price.

It's just not something that ever comes Up with us. I bought my car without him knowing cost etc. Or even seeing it actually.

Each to their own. Wouldn't do for me.

melanzana wrote: »

If the parties to a partnership/marriage are fine with a separate fund arrangement (when there is a big joint fund for everything else), I just don't see the problem here.

The only difference between living together and being married is the legal bit WRT next of kin and inheritance and break up of the relationship.

I think you doth protest too much!

Maybe some people are wary of what the other partner might have in their own account. Would that be your thinking maybe?

I don't see Miss B or anyone else protesting; just putting their views across.

BNT

Peter333 wrote: »

This ^^^ I wouldn't consider it a marriage if finances are so separate and individual, and the spouse is never considered for purchases of multiple 100s of pounds... It would feel like we were more like flatmates.

I don't think that is necessarily an issue. My wife and I make fairly large purchases without a great deal of discussion or consultation. As long as we can afford them, it works for us. I'm not particularly interested in discussing what coat or dress my wife wants to buy. She knows what we can afford and buys accordingly. She can do that from a joint account or a personal account and it makes no difference: we are married, so the funds are joint regardless of whose name is on the account.

I think where you start to get into flatmate territory would be if one spouse decided that because he/she earns more, then he/she gets to spend more.