Thoughts on my marriage ?

Detroit

JReacher1 wrote: »

Where has the drugs come from?

Are there some additional posts I've not read?

I imagine Tulip is referring to nicotine and alcohol as drugs.

JReacher1

tulip_tulip wrote: »

The OP wrote that he fritters away his cash on alcohol and cigarettes, are they not drugs?

No they're not

tulip_tulip

JReacher1 wrote: »

No they're not

Well actually they are, don't be so foolish to claim they are not.

pollyanna_26

Going nowhere . Could you clarify a few points . I am wondering how long you worked for your husband . From your op it seems the job you started a year ago is not working with him .
I am wondering if you were paid your ni stamps during your time working for your husband as you are mentioning needing to build up a pension hence the buy to let .
It may be that your idea has shaken your husband as he seems content to plod along . You now having your own income means you have a degree of independence and maybe a stronger voice in the future .

J Reacher My opinion only but your earlier post is offensive and does not contribute anything positive to this thread . There are many levels of mental health difficulties and none of us can judge others - we could find ourselves in poor mh at any time . I thought we'd moved out of the dark ages .
polly

JReacher1

tulip_tulip wrote: »

Well actually they are, don't be so foolish to claim they are not.

Saying someone spends all their disposable income on drugs because he spends £80 a week on cigarettes and alcohol is so ridiculous it borders on being hysterical.

It's commonly accepted that when people say someone spends money on drugs or had a drug problem that they are not talking about drinking or smoking.

Detroit

JReacher1 wrote: »

There's not enough information to know either way. I'm just going on my own opinion which doesn't have enough information for me to be confident is correct.

It's just In my opinion if you've got MH issues that mean you can't work but you do get a job at your husbands business it sounds to me like hes doing you a favour.

I would also suggest the fact the OP has worked for her husbands business probably helped her get her current position of employment.

The post suggests some difficulties with going out, so perhaps OP couldn't get out to a workplace, but could still function well in the work role.

It could equally be the case that the OP was doing her husband a favour.

As his wife, she may have worked harder, and for longer hours and for lower (if any) pay for her husband than an regular employee would have done.

I agree it is entirely possible her experience in her husband's business may have helped her gain her current job.

baza52

So the husband had provided enough income to live off without the need for benefits and you think that spending his own money on fags and booze is not acceptable?

You say you never went out partly due to your health condition.
It entirely possible that your husband has just got used to not socialising because of this, I guess if he went out alone he would be in the wrong as well.

Perhaps he sees that spending your own money on something YOU want to do is just as bad as YOU complaining about how he spends his.

I'm guessing you now share all the household expenses 50/50 so you must have a great job to be able to afford to buy a house with what's left over.

PeacefulWaters

GoingNowhere wrote: »

It's not that easy is it unfortunately when you make a commitment. There's other people & feelings to consider.

I stayed married to a woman for sixteen years after she had an affair. She refused counselling. Made little effort to re-engage in the marriage. Shifted blame for anything and everything on to me.

I raised her two kids with her. I raised our child with her, and he's thrived.

But, despite my hopes, it never got better. We had holidays. Bought a nice house. Did things families do. But it never felt right. My co fidence diminished. I suffered depression and anxiety. My career became restricted.

Then, thirteen years after the first affair I discovered a new emotional affair. Counselling was effective for about six weeks and I thought I might finally have the relationship I'd always yearned for. But it quickly went back to the unaffectionate, sexless nonsense that had gone before.

I finally grew a pair and realised it would never get better. So I moved out. I've thrived without her. My son still loves me and I have a good relationship with my step kids. Feelings of stress and anxiety are rare these days.

So yes, other people's feelings matter. But they can and will adjust. Your feelings matter most of all. And by prioritising their feelings above your own you are giving away a happiness that you can find elsewhere.

What's in it for you? Will it get better? How?

Detroit

baza52 wrote: »

So the husband had provided enough income to live off without the need for benefits and you think that spending his own money on fags and booze is not acceptable?

You say you never went out partly due to your health condition.
It entirely possible that your husband has just got used to not socialising because of this, I guess if he went out alone he would be in the wrong as well.

Perhaps he sees that spending your own money on something YOU want to do is just as bad as YOU complaining about how he spends his.

I'm guessing you now share all the household expenses 50/50 so you must have a great job to be able to afford to buy a house with what's left over.

Much of this has been asked and answered earlier in the thread.

I see no evidence of the OP complaining about how her husband spends his money.
The spending is referred to only to illustrate that her husband has limited interests, and has disposable income of his own, so his objections to her purchasing a property are not financially based.

As this is all is evident from reading the posts, i can see no reason for certain posters to persist in references to money, with the implication that the OP has not contributed to the household finances, despite her clear statement that she too worked in the business.

Some posters seem intent on viewing the husband as having done the OP a favour, for which she should be grateful; while the OP has been cast in the role of financial burden, incapable of contributing usefully if it were not for the kindness of her husband.

There is no evidence to support any of this in the posts, so I am at a loss as to how these conclusions have been drawn, other than from stereotypes regarding MH conditions.

The OP asked for people's opinions, and im all for offering alternate perspectives. However these should be based on the information provided in the post.
It seems here that people are making it up as they go along, and I fail to see how that helps the OP.

FBaby

I don't think I read you saying anything about your current property. Do you own? Is your nene on the deeds? Just asking because getting a BTL is not that easy. Your options are very limited if you're not a home owner already and if you want to buy on your own your income needs to be quite high.

In regards to your husband not bring supportive there could be a number of reasons. He could be worried that the stress would be too much for you and he would end upusing to manage it himself. To do so whilst already working full time is not easy especially for someone who had battled mental health issues. Dealing with banks who don't care much about good customer cars any longer, tradesmen who play you up, buyers or tenants who mess you about... could your husband just be more realistic about your intentions but isn't telling you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings?