Thoughts on my marriage ?

GoingNowhere

For many, many years my marriage has just been going through the motions.
Bit of background
Husband happy to be self employed earning very little. As long as he has enough for beer & ciggarettes he is happy. That's the truth.
I've had a long term mental health condition not worked other than for him & not claimed benefits either.
We have managed money ok since we don't really do anything or go anywhere due to my health condition and oh being happy not to.
A year ago I found employment that I could manage & getting out has changed my life.
Anyway been thinking of buying a house to do up and sell or buy to let. Thinking about lack of pension and it is now actually possible to do now I'm earning. So I've been researching, researching and going into everything in order to try & progress this opportunity. Husband dragging his feet being most unhelpful and clearly does not want to do it. For me this is the last straw. I've put up with lots over the years & was hoping this would make us closer by giving us an exciting project for our future. It's not the money risk putting him off as he is more than happy to spend £80 PW on beer & cigarettes. I would welcome an outsiders point of view. Thanks

PinkGladioli

My OH every now and then mentions if we had the money he would want to do a buy to let, every time I say no (various reasons but I just don't want to do one) he can't and won't force me to spend my money on something I don't want to but I still love him and I know we wouldn't split over it, to me it sounds like your problems are a lot deeper than this and you need to forget about buying a house and think whether you really want to be with him.

GoingNowhere

Good point & thanks for your input. You are right it's so much deeper than that.

I'm not asking oh to spend his money on the house, nor is he offering. He pays a sum towards housekeeping and would say he couldn't afford any more money. Like I say he needs to have his beer & cigarettes.

I intended to fund the property.

Any

He seems absolutely happy with the state of affairs as it is, and suddenly you come in trying to make him work.
Might be for good cause and you see it as exciting, but as you said youself before, he has never done more than the absolute necessary to get by...

Why would you think he will suddenly want to do more?

You got out and got new outlook on life..

He has not had that light bulb moment.

Detroit

You don't specify what you've 'put up with' over the years, so please excuse me if I'm speaking out of turn.

However, from the information you've given, it sounds as though your husband has only become unsatisfactory now you have changed.

You say that your health issues prevented you from working or going out for years. Your husband supported and stayed with you in circumstances that many would find very difficult.

Rather than carrying on life without you, he didn't go out and restricted his own life, which suited you at the time.
Perhaps he has now become accustomed to this as a way of life.

Now you're well, which is great news, and full of enthusiasm for life, but maybe your husband can't just snap into this change of pace.

Your plans are quite ambitious. Doing up a property and becoming a landlord will be challenging, and a very different lifestyle to that which your husband has led (which suited you) for years.

While I quite understand your anxiety to make up for lost time, I think you need to be patient with your husband, take things more slowly, discuss each step with him, as the new life you're planning for him may be a bit overwhelming.

GoingNowhere

Thankyou for your replies. I havnt changed & still struggle with health issues. He has never supported me, quite the opposite really. I've been there for him and he has never valued what I have done for him. I've never asked for anything in return. This was for us but as you say it does not sound like he wants it.

GoingNowhere

Just to add he does not like to go out very often anyway nothing to do with me. I prefer to go out more than we actually do.

Alice_Walker

GoingNowhere wrote: »

Thankyou for your replies. I havnt changed & still struggle with health issues. He has never supported me, quite the opposite really. I've been there for him and he has never valued what I have done for him. I've never asked for anything in return. This was for us but as you say it does not sound like he wants it.

He supported you financially for years whilst you were not able to work?

Emotionally it sounds like you've not been on the same page for years. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, just that you want such different things.

GoingNowhere

No he didn't support me financially I worked for him in his business on a very low income. Also raised our children.

GoingNowhere

Also I had maintenance from a previous relationship which helped me bring up my children.

GoingNowhere

I think it was a mistake posting on here sorry. I feel like I'm having to defend myself as I havnt given all the facts going back years. Sorry I'm not the best at the written word.