Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

lulu_92

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I know you have 'issues' with your MIL but sometimes life is a compromise. The most important things are your partner and your babies (had twins myself)

If your partner was totally with you on this then my words might be different but am wondering if compromising is the way to go.

I suspect that they come at the weekends because your partner is a home (after all he is their son). The suggestion that they visit in the evening personally filled me with horror! I was totally knackered by the evening and certainly didn't want to have to be sociable, particularly to someone who wan't my favourite person.

It is relatively a short time so I was wondering whether you could take advantage of their visiting. Since it is summer time could you ask them to take the babies for a walk? I am sure they would love this. You could then spend this time doing whatever you and your partner wanted. A quick cup of tea and a cake when they got back and hey presto it would be over!

I realise that part of this is the feeling that your MIL is dictating how you live your lives (and perhaps I am different ) but I welcomed all sorts when mine were young just to give me and my husband time to ourselves. My two were also wonderful babies but were still time consuming. To be able to have an hour to ourselves was blissful.

If you can compromise on this now (as long as you don't have plans yourselves for the Sunday) then, believe me, there will be plenty of opportunity later on!

They take the compromise away so I'm stuck doing what they want. It's not about having time just OH and I, as we make the most of our time when the babies are asleep. We want to be able to spend our spare time as a family of four.

I'm totally up for evening visits, as is OH. In fact these suit us so much better as it also puts a time limit on the visit as for some reason people tend to leave once the babies are in bed! :rotfl:

Kaye1

Seriously. Go out for the whole day. Plan it, pack the bags for the little ones, lots of nappies, clothes etc and go out.

They will sleep in the car, loads of places are happy to warm up bottles, and enjoy yourself. Visit a local attraction, go swimming, have lunch out, have a picnic in the park.

When they turn up are the time they have allocated, you won't be in.

You and OH will have to get a little firmer.

My MiL tends to sulk if you 'tell her off'. So I told my FiL if she mentioned the fact that she likes to starve herself all day (don't ask- long story) so she can be skinny in front of my daughter again, we would be having a row there and then.

He actually agreed that it wasn't something my child needed to hear- and it was never mentioned again.

I know she has issues and separately, I am totally sympathetic and helpful to her- but in front of my daughter? No way.

Which 'in-law' is the driving force? Perhaps you could have a quiet word with the other one?

Mojisola

lulu_92 wrote: »

Recently they bought us a few packs of pampers as they were on offer. We thanked them and I said although we appreciate them they won't fit for a while and pampers don't agree with our girls, so we tend to get another brand. The response I got was "it's our money and we'll do what we want with it" and we now have about 800 nappies that won't fit for a month at least, and leak so profusely we end up chucking clothes away!

I would have donated them to the local food bank (many like donations of items other than food) or to a charity shop.

They might give you things but you don't have to use them!

reehsetin

lulu_92 wrote: »

I do have a history of uncooperative in laws, but I can never "win". They always get their way, and I'm made out to be horrible one.

That's why your husband needs to take the lead with them and make it clear it's on him not you - you should not be the bad guy it's not going to help anyone. He needs to be a team with you.

Mojisola

reehsetin wrote: »

That's why your husband needs to take the lead with them and make it clear it's on him not you - you should not be the bad guy it's not going to help anyone. He needs to be a team with you.

As they are his parents, ideally he needs to be the one saying it but it should be made clear that the two of you are in control of what happens in your home and in your children's lives and are making joint decisions - not just that you are making the decisions but he is having to deliver the message!

Personally, I'd want at least every other weekend clear of visitors.

reehsetin

lulu_92 wrote: »

(Although in his defence he has twice tried to stop them doing a couple of things that we were against, and they did it anyway)

Was there a consequence? They may not get boundaries until there's clear consequences for their actions

lulu_92

Mojisola wrote: »

I would have donated them to the local food bank (many like donations of items other than food) or to a charity shop.

They might give you things but you don't have to use them!

Excellent idea! I have a few friends having babies as well so I might regift. But the point I was making was even when we told them that these nappies are rubbish for us we essentially got told it was tough because they were buying them. Fine by me if they want to waste their money!

lulu_92

reehsetin wrote: »

Was there a consequence? They may not get boundaries until there's clear consequences for their actions

What kind of consequences could there be?

reehsetin

lulu_92 wrote: »

What kind of consequences could there be?

Depends what suits you and your husband has the backbone for e.g. if you're already with them leave, if they criticise then reduce contact
if they push past you when you've already told them no, don't reward them with a visit, tell them to leave, if you don't call someone to remove them or leave yourselves and say "no we've told you this isn't a good time for us"
Key is not to reward them with attention/a visit / cuddle time with the kids when they've just disrespected you and your time. the first few times it may be very painful and hard but the point is they need to realise they have to listen to and respect you both in order to get what they want.

Andypandyboy

I agree you do need to be firmer. I imagine it is their son they want to see too though so if he is only home at the weekend then that is why they choose that time. Could he not take the babies over to see them on a Friday night thus pre empting a visit? Or on a Sunday evening?

Re Pampers, they are a good make it is unusual for them not to suit babies, or leak unless they are not being changed often enough. I would complain to the manufacturer.