22 Foxhole East

beanielou

Raspberry gin here! 

KajiKita

This sounds like big piece of 🍰🎂🧁 event to me! 

Also sending hugs x

VintageHistorian

Sorry to hear the eldest two are still having problems launching themselves into life. I do think some of the issue is the way Covid disrupted some really key moments in their social development (not just your two but for all their age). Being locked down at home meant they didn't get the thrill of staying out 30 minutes past curfew, didn't get the development of a weekend job at the supermarket and the joy of extra money that comes from it, and all the usual hanging out with friends, flirting with potential partners etc.

Personally I wasn't too fussed about lockdowns but then I'm in my late 30s and an introvert. There are some experiences one should go through as an adolescent that were denied to a whole group for several years. The impact of that still isn't really being discussed.

I know Jenny has suggested sitting them down for the Serious Chat, I wonder if another alternative before that would be to take them out individually for lunch, just with you (Prof and the other boys stay at home), and see if you can get them to open up. Prof can shout and bluster but perhaps if Mum takes them out of the house and does the quiet "I'm worried" thing that might have a better effect? Tell them staying at home long-term isn't an option, so what do they actually see for their future? DS1 tried robotics and didn't get anywhere, was it something he actually wanted to or something he chose in a panic? Would he prefer to do something like English Literature and would you and Prof both support him in it, or does he think you'd scoff at his choice and tell him to do something more useful?

I suggest it as getting them out the house because it may make them feel as if you're treating them like a grown up. And getting out of that space, away from their room so they can't stomp upstairs and escape when things get uncomfortable, may again help them open up. (Also as the eldest of 4 myself, I know it can be hard to make yourself heard and it was nice when my Dad used to take me to football just on my own, one-on-one attention really can help!)

I'd hesitate to suggest depression (because I know a lot of people will roll their eyes and say spoiled Gen Z have nothing to be depressed about) but if after trying all other avenues you're not getting anywhere then try shoving them at the GP, or look into getting private counselling. Something has to change and it might need outside professionals to help that happen, and there's no shame in going "I think we need more support here".

f0xh0les

Good ideas VH thank you. Last night over supper I suggested doing a college session in an art subject or photography, something they had not tried before, or bricklaying .....  just as something new to learn....just short term . 
Got met with the 'nod and smile and back away' treatment. 
They did not seem keen on the job ad for a Santa or as his support elf.....

QueenJess

It would be worth discussing with them what their actual plans are long term. They will need money to live and pay you rent and eat etc (not sure where they are getting this now?), so they can’t do nothing forever. It will be more difficult the longer the gap and it’s worth doing something even if low paid or volunteering for experience or even to start working out what they do and don’t like.

I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do and applied for lots of long term jobs. When I got one that didn’t start for months, I picked up a temp job for the in between. My point is that it doesn’t matter if they don’t know now what they want to do, they can just go out there and try some stuff. Nothing has to be forever. It’s worth discussing it with them on a 1 by 1 basis with no pressure to see why they are hiding away and avoiding reality.

Do they not feel left behind by their friends who will have gone onto uni or into jobs/apprenticeships etc and are living their lives?

f0xh0les

Do they not feel left behind by their friends who will have gone onto uni or into jobs/apprenticeships etc and are living their lives?   -  bizarrely, no. They have swapped their real life interactions for online interactions.  They do not go out. They do not want to go out, unless it is to buy themselves the occasional coffee and cake, or I demand they come out.   Frankly, I don't understand them.  They are perfectly happy.  It is weird.

In other news, I am over £200 in credit with the energy people. The gas daily standing charge is being halved, and the electric is going down 4p a unit from 1/10.   Still no schedule of works from Mr Builder,  no sign of Me Wall Surveyor either, nor Mr Roofer - it will be 4 weeks on Monday that I confirmed and they said it would be 2 or 3 weeks,  so technically I have a new roof, I have obviously just not noticed... or they are invisible.....

Had to laugh, a man came to cut next door's hedge this morning..... the hedge they dug out on Monday, and built a new higher wall instead.  Poor thing literally stood outside their house holding his petrol hedge trimmer looking utterly confused and staring over the wall - he KNEW it was the right house...  guess it took him too long to get round to it.

It is DH's birthday next weekend. He does not want anything, he does not want to do anything, and he does not want to go anywhere.  To be honest, he does not go anywhere outside the house he does not have to either, just like DS1 and DS2........

mark55man

A middle aged/male perspective on birthdays - especially in MSE households.  Although I don't know Mr FH so his tastes may vary - I like to receive something I can consume straight away (from the shop / HM whatever) and something that I can use frequently for a while.  In my case that's beer and socks with winter coming on could be thick woolly ones - but could be a posh soft drink or something for his desk at work. 

My kids have taken to this and try and get interesting beers not a slab of c@rlsb3rg- although the tin of 9% strength beer is languishing in the fridge as I am not brave enough to drink a tin of effectively wine

f0xh0les

Thanks for the insight Mark, the main problem is that if he wants something, he buys it and has it delivered the next day.  
I will go with warm socks and immediate munchables. The way to a man's heart!

Pollie

The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage with a sharp knife! 

f0xh0les

Urgh to all the cleaning afterwards and a trip to the dump though.  Can't be faffed.  Socks and munchies are easier.

Although he has started a diet now....  diet munchies.