I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?

Smodlet

How's it going, purple?:wave:

Lucidlady2

I think you are drawing the short straw, actually. He needs to understand that the money you both bring in is family money, and he needs to address these debts because sooner or later the minimums are going to be so high that he won't be able to afford them - then what? Do you have a family budget?

Teacher2

"Actually just writing that down makes me think that I'm drawing the short straw..."

This is your lightbulb moment and you need to act on it.

crimson.addict

Hello,

You were featured in Martins e-mail today, well done.

I read from start to finish and was in tears after reading about your chat. I really hope everything stays as good as it seems to be going.

Well done sorting out your own finances and standing strong for you OH whilst he comes to terms with fixing his.

You are a wonderfully strong lady by the sounds of it. I hope you have a very long happy debt free life


Also thanks Tyrone Black for suggesting Noodle. I'd never heard of it and have just signed up. It's a great tool. I wish it told us what is hindering our score though.

Sazzie23

Hi,

I linked over from Martins email.
Well done at achieving debt freedom, did you sign the roll of honour ?

It seems that you and DH currently have different views about money and debt. As long as you both have equal input into the household and are happy with it then there's no problem. Difficulty comes if one of you starts to feel resentment about not being able to spend or save money as you wish.

Probably worth doing a joint budget to see where that takes you. DH needs his own lightbulb moment to comment to debt busting, you can only help him find it (in a none confronting, none nagging sort of way :-)).

Saz

fatpiggy

I really hope that your OH picks himself up and sticks with your very sensible plan of action. Men do tend to be quite good at going off in a blaze of enthusiasm which then burns itself out rather rapidly. If you can stand them all, could his mates come round to yours with a few tins of beer and watch the footy on your Sky system? That way he still gets to see his pals, have a few beers, watch the sport but not be able to feed the one-armed bandits, get too drunk, need a taxi home, be useless the next day while he sleeps it off on the sofa.


Enjoy your free days out. There is so much you can do for just the price of an icecream, a packed lunch and maybe some petrol. Kids just love picnics and it amazes me how many have parents who never give them that simple pleasure. We didn't have two brass farthings to rub together when we were little, but my parents would take us out for walks or cycle rides (we grew up in the countryside), even in the winter when we added hot boiled new potatoes in a thermos flask to the picnic. When my mum comes to visit, she is 83 now but still pretty able, every year we have lovely trips out for next to no cost, and often within a ten mile radius of my home. And yes, we always take a picnic!

[Deleted User]

Gosh, hello kind people popping in to say hi and comment! :):)

I hadn't realised this post had been put in this weeks email crimson.addict and Sazzie23, I must have missed that bit :eek: but it is so nice to get some more positive and constructive comments, so thank you! And yes, I have signed the roll of honour and have got my debt-free badge! :A:):D
Hi again Smodlet, thank you for checking up again on me, you really are a kind person. :A:p:)

Ok, so a bit of an update since last week or so:

This week I have been very tired, but also a lot more relaxed in a way. I now enjoy looking over my budget in my notebook and not having any financial commitments, and can see that I can pay for bills, food, rent etc with 'proper' money, and that feels sooo good. :A

I have continued with my minimalist ways and de-cluttered more of my bits and pieces, and the kids have joined in donating and selling some of their things to make a few pennies and give to charity. I am using the money I get from selling my things (some clothes, some costume jewellery and a handbag) and putting it away in a little secret stash for emergencies only. I can then dip into it if I need money for say, a taxi ride to the hospital, a couple of pounds for a baking lesson that the kids have forgotten to tell me about until the last minute, or if I need some milk and then it stops me from breaking into a tenner or getting money out of the bank. So far I have £13 in there and the kids have made a few pennies too, which they are now saving away. One of my sons brought me a toy and said that he didn't think he would get much money for it, but if we gave it to a charity shop, then another little boy who doesn't have much money might really like it! Aww bless :A xxx

I have managed to stop my online banking from constantly throwing up 'offers' and trying to entice me with their overdrafts, upgraded accounts and reward offers. That feels good, no more trying to get me into debt again with stupid overdraft limits, and I managed to contact then through online chat and the guy said that my marketing preferences would be updated within a few days, which they did. Good result! :cool:

I have also started to save some monies in a savings account linked to my online bank, although I am looking at changing my savings provider soon, but all the interest rates have dropped so we will see. It's not much, but if I keep going I will have a few pennies to get me through Christmas and have a small emergency fund. The plan is to get £1000 saved in an emergency fund, and then regular saving for Christmas, kids birthdays and holidays / a break away if poss in the UK next year. I don't spend much, I have minimal tastes and the kids don't get a fortune spent on them, but they are always happy and that's the main thing!

OK then, so as for hubby-dearest/not-so-dearest(?), well it's still an ongoing process and it's only been a week and a half since The Chat. So far, so good. I am still keeping mine and his finances separate until I can see some good progress on his behalf. I like at this point in time that I need to be able to have some control in knowing that I am ok, that I am debt-free, that I am saving and that I can manage things my way. That's important for now. My slight OCD in checking my bank everyday, having my budgeting notebook etc is not going to change, but it helps to keep me focused and positive on the bigger picture!
So far he has been very good. He has allowed me to take control and sort his finances out, including writing out his own budget, knowing which debts to pay in which order and is fully aware of his financial situation. Last weekend I told him he had £30 to spend if he wanted it, and he surprised me and said he would go out but only take £20, and he wasn't out as long as usual but came back and said he had had a good evening. No fruit machines! Yay! The spare £10 went on his first debt before he could change his mind! No progress on the looking for a new job front though, even though I offered to look, he wasn't bothered. I'm not going to waste any more of my time if he's not trying in that area too, so that's on hold for now. Pittance of a wage remains, for now.

I do feel like I am dealing with another child at times. A bit like an older teenage/early twenties, not quite with it when it comes to life, and that does disappoint me. Half of me really does feel like I will do all this, help him get back on his feet, get his debts sorted etc, and then he will be off. I still don't think he's entirely happy being here, with me, in this house and in this area. There's nothing wrong with the house or area, in fact I know I'm bloomin lucky to be here and have everything I need here around me. He has me, his children, his job, a secure home and quite a few friends / drinking buddies, but I still don't think he's totally happy. And if he doesn't want this, to be here with his family, then it doesn't matter what I do, does it? He has said on a couple of times he wants to leave (not recently), but of course he's not in the financial position to do this.

So, plan of attack for the coming weeks?
Continue as is I guess. Yes it's frustrating that he has approx £200 per week income that is going on his debts, his choice of luxuries (Sky, his car and mobile contract) and £30 for himself to play with and I do everything else, but we are still a partnership and his debts need sorting ASAP. So things have to go on hold until then, and then if he's still wanting to be around then we will sort out our monies and come up with a new joint budget and hopefully happy days. Or if he just does my head in over the next few months and slips back into his usual ways then he can just do one... This is me giving him a chance and helping him as much as I can, so let's see what happens. Fingers crossed. xx

Yes Lucidlady2, I know I have got the short straw at the moment financially, but we're married, we are a team and I am doing my best to help him. Hopefully in a year I can look back and be pleased as to how far we've come! He's just got to continue to allow me to help him, and to help himself. Think positive...

Teacher2 I know what you are saying, I get it, I do. He has a chance, just this one chance, with me helping him to get us as a family financially sorted. If he doesn't like it or goes back to his usual ways then I know where I stand. This is my lightbulb moment and I could do it by myself, I know I could, but it's only fair I give him this one chance and we see where we go from here.

Thanks fatpiggy for your ideas and suggestions, and yes we've had a picnic with the kiddies already - they loved it! xx

So thank you for coming and having a read, and listening to me have another vent and a catch up on here! I really do appreciate that people are thinking of me, or taking the time to write to me. :A:)

Money_saving_maniac

purpleposting4 wrote: »

He has said on a couple of times he wants to leave (not recently), but of course he's not in the financial position to do this.

... but we are still a partnership and his debts need sorting ASAP. So things have to go on hold until then, and then if he's still wanting to be around then we will sort out our monies and come up with a new joint budget and hopefully happy days. Or if he just does my head in over the next few months and slips back into his usual ways then he can just do one... This is me giving him a chance and helping him as much as I can, so let's see what happens. Fingers crossed. xx

Yes Lucidlady2, I know I have got the short straw at the moment financially, but we're married, we are a team and I am doing my best to help him. Hopefully in a year I can look back and be pleased as to how far we've come! He's just got to continue to allow me to help him, and to help himself. Think positive...

Teacher2 I know what you are saying, I get it, I do. He has a chance, just this one chance, with me helping him to get us as a family financially sorted. If he doesn't like it or goes back to his usual ways then I know where I stand. This is my lightbulb moment and I could do it by myself, I know I could, but it's only fair I give him this one chance and we see where we go from here.

Thanks fatpiggy for your ideas and suggestions, and yes we've had a picnic with the kiddies already - they loved it! xx

So thank you for coming and having a read, and listening to me have another vent and a catch up on here! I really do appreciate that people are thinking of me, or taking the time to write to me. :A:)

If he's said he wants to leave you, and you're not overwhelmed about him, it's time to put yourself first and ensure that your financial cutbacks do not support him.
Money prolems do not exist in a vacuum, any more than one person's gambling or drug habit exist in a vacuum, because we are social creatures and form relationships and there is a 'financial unit' as well as an 'emotional unit' and you cannot separate the two unless you are a saint or so wealthy that money is actually irrelevant.

crimson.addict

My ex was in a lot of debt when i met him. I ended up paying for everything we did together and it ended up costing me a lot of money. I eventually fell out of love with him but felt like i was stuck with him. I managed to get him debt free by taking over his finances. We eventually broke up, even though he could now pay half for everything the love had been lost. Shortly after he went out and bought a brand new car, undoing all my good work!

He's now married (and no doubt still in debt) and i have been with my partner for 2 years (he is better with money even than i am). I think everything worked out for the best for both of us.


I don't know what the purpose of this story was really....

[Deleted User]

crimson.addict wrote: »

My ex was in a lot of debt when i met him. I ended up paying for everything we did together and it ended up costing me a lot of money. I eventually fell out of love with him but felt like i was stuck with him. I managed to get him debt free by taking over his finances. We eventually broke up, even though he could now pay half for everything the love had been lost. Shortly after he went out and bought a brand new car, undoing all my good work!

He's now married (and no doubt still in debt) and i have been with my partner for 2 years (he is better with money even than i am). I think everything worked out for the best for both of us.


I don't know what the purpose of this story was really....

crimson.addict I get the purpose of your story, so don't worry! :rotfl:
It sounds like you are now so much better off without him, he would still be in debt and making you feel rubbish and that would not be fair, I can understand that.

I'm married already and trying to make this marriage work, for richer for poorer and all that, but I know it has to be equal and I know it's currently not equal financially. What will be, will be. Maybe I am just helping him out for him to go and help himself in the future, but if that's the case then at least I have tried and know where I stand, right?
The difference at the moment I guess is that I am not letting his mishaps cost me any more money, I am not going to be spending on credit just so we can do stuff and get stuff, and I'm certainly not going to be paying off his debts for him with my monies, as that has other priorities. I've got enough left over after paying bills, rent and groceries to save a little and spend a little if I wanted to, and I am happy with that for now. I'm not using my savings or spending pennies to bail him out!
So far he's being very good, today is payday for him and he's been already talking things through with me and trying to understand which debts or direct debits are being paid off today, and he knows his 'allowance' for the weekend and is planning what to do and with whom. And he seems quite happy today! :eek::D

Long may it continue, fingers crossed, fingers crossed! xxx