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I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?
Comments
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I don't think I can really add anything new to this. It sounds like the two of you need to have a proper talk about things and, hard though it might be, I think you really do need to be brutally honest with him. His gambling sounds pretty serious to me (though I am no expert) but overall you sound like you are not happy, and that is the most important thing. What is the point in you struggling and going without to be debt free, if he is still holding your back as a family, and giving you stress over his finances.
You say that most of his payments each month are just the minimum. Is it possible for you to show him how much he is paying just in interest, which is technically wasted money if he could be paying off debts?
The only people who need to understand a relationship are the two people who are in it, but it sounds like yours has changed, and I hope you can address this. However, the way that you keep mentioning that you are managing on your own doesn't make him sound good to outsiders. Good luck.0 -
If you are anywhere near Notts and really want a log cabin, I will ask. Nowadays, he would probably do himself a mischief (he was about sixteen, you know, and supervised {I bloody well hope})
I hope you do not feel as if you have been pushed over an edge... don't think we could do that if you were not already 99% of the way there, yourself, hun.
I am here for you as, I think, are quite a few forumites.
S xx0 -
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bettyboo71 wrote: »It sounds like the two of you need to have a proper talk about things and, hard though it might be, I think you really do need to be brutally honest with him.
His gambling sounds pretty serious to me (though I am no expert) but overall you sound like you are not happy, and that is the most important thing.
I agree with this.
If he was confronted with the possibility that his behaviour would lose him your relationship, would he put you and the children over his desire to gamble?
He may be brought up short by the idea and be willing to work things out.0 -
If you are anywhere near Notts and really want a log cabin, I will ask. Nowadays, he would probably do himself a mischief (he was about sixteen, you know, and supervised {I bloody well hope})
I hope you do not feel as if you have been pushed over an edge... don't think we could do that if you were not already 99% of the way there, yourself, hun.
I am here for you as, I think, are quite a few forumites.
S xx
Thanks for the offer, but while a log cabin sounds lovely, it is not needed!
Nope, I feel like I might have been a bit closer to the edge than I first realised, but now need to get my ducks a bit more in a row first.
And thank you, it's good to know there are nice, normal (?!), helpful people out there, and you have put perspective into my day, so thank you again x
Like bettyboo71 said above, I think everything has been said, I need to have a proper chat with him sometime soon, and nothing new could be added constructively to this thread without it turning into a bit of a one-sided-marriage-mess-fest, so I think I will leave it there!Would just like to thank all of you for your input and advice ( I have managed to stop Natwest bank offers - haha! thanks!)
I hope you all have a lovely, sunny weekend, whatever you are doing:A:)
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Hi OP,
Well done paying off your debts! Your progress while looking after a family is inspirational.
It sounds as though your other half is finding it very hard to manage his money and change. He probably finds it stressful and buries his head in the same hoping it will go away. I'm not feeling sorry for him just that might be how it is.
If you ask him what does he need to spend on only himself (not bills/food or petrol etc) what would he say? 40? 50? Would he consider allowing you to take over the management of his bank account - paying his bills and debts? (not taking them on as your own but managing them on his behalf?). You could transfer an agreed weekly cash amount to him of the £40 or £50 and you take care of the rest. (Open a new bank account for his personal spends with no overdraft and no direct debits).
I know this puts you under the pressure of managing the money and lets him off the hook but if you feel he is not managing it well and cannot change perhaps you would prefer it. He may feel less stressed and less inclined to gamble as he has only the £40 in his hand and it has to last him 7 days but he does not need to worry about debt payments.
I think your other half might be up for it as you said he agreed to cut up cards so he does want to change. I do think you need a serious chat reminding him it is not fair for you to save hard to try to afford a family break while he gambles his money and that if he continues to gamble when he has only his personal spends to manage and to borrow from friends to fund it then you think he might need professional help.
I would not normally suggest someone takes over the finances as I would not want to disempower your other half but as you have been so strong and able on sorting out your own finances and he seems to want to change but can't do it, it might be right for you as a couple for the time being.
Good luck!0 -
Hi OP,
Well done paying off your debts! Your progress while looking after a family is inspirational. Thank you, that means a lot x
It sounds as though your other half is finding it very hard to manage his money and change. He probably finds it stressful and buries his head in the same hoping it will go away. I'm not feeling sorry for him just that might be how it is. I agree, I'm sure he's not happy with the overall situation, but he's just going about it all wrong.
If you ask him what does he need to spend on only himself (not bills/food or petrol etc) what would he say? 40? 50? Would he consider allowing you to take over the management of his bank account - paying his bills and debts? (not taking them on as your own but managing them on his behalf?). You could transfer an agreed weekly cash amount to him of the £40 or £50 and you take care of the rest. (Open a new bank account for his personal spends with no overdraft and no direct debits). £50 maybe, and that's not a bad idea, I think it would help with my anxiety about monies, even in the short term. I like the idea of a seperate account, and if I can get him to chat to him when he's in a responsive mood, then he might go for it. I would need to include this in the 'do it or else' type chat, because I'm not getting anywhere and he needs to change.
I know this puts you under the pressure of managing the money and lets him off the hook but if you feel he is not managing it well and cannot change perhaps you would prefer it. He may feel less stressed and less inclined to gamble as he has only the £40 in his hand and it has to last him 7 days but he does not need to worry about debt payments. True. It might get him out of the habit, and I feel confident I can get anyone's debts down now I''ve done mine! I even help my friends out now with anything financial, or paperwork etc. I can't lift much anymore but I can help out with other stuff
I think your other half might be up for it as you said he agreed to cut up cards so he does want to change. I do think you need a serious chat reminding him it is not fair for you to save hard to try to afford a family break while he gambles his money and that if he continues to gamble when he has only his personal spends to manage and to borrow from friends to fund it then you think he might need professional help.
I would not normally suggest someone takes over the finances as I would not want to disempower your other half but as you have been so strong and able on sorting out your own finances and he seems to want to change but can't do it, it might be right for you as a couple for the time being. As much as I am so annoyed with him, and with myself for my current situation with him, I think this would obviously help him financially, but would help me out mentally for the time being too. I will try and broach the subject and have a proper chat with him over the weekend and see where he wants to go and where we stand. Thank you for your ideas. Hopefully it would make him start new habits, think about his money a bit more before he wastes it, and realise if he doesn't help me out more practically, emotionally and financially then I'm not interested anymore.
Good luck!
Thank you so much, I have added some comments in red to your advice above (if it works!) and thank you again, I'm starting to see a possible future path and plan to follow0 -
You sound like a strong woman; keep the faith, you can do this.0
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Well done for paying your debt and yes you need to now concentrate on building up savings.
I would agree with others that your relationship with your OH is very unbalanced. First of all on what is a very low income of £800 per month (is that full time?) your OH gets to keep all his income for paying over the odds for a mobile, running his car, paying for non essential (sky) plus the odd amount towards his debts and then fun money. You on the other hand pay all the bills, all the groceries, kids pocket money and out of what is left you did put towards your debt and spent nothing on yourself. That is grossly unfair. Tell him in future he needs to pay something towards bills and if he says he cant afford to tell him to stop the gambling and the sky bill or his debts will never be cleared. I would not be giving him anything as he sounds totally selfish.I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Debt free Wannabe, Budgeting and Banking and Savings and Investment boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.
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I wonder if I might put a slightly different slant on this?
Am I right in thinking that you use the child benefit and tax credits to pay for everything and you receive some housing benefit?
The reason I mention this is because you may want to consider rethinking how your finances are arranged based on the principle that the child benefit has been awarded for your (ie yours and your husband's ) children and the tax credits have been awarded based on your children and the fact that your husband has a low paid job. In effect these benefits (including the HB) have been awarded jointly.
I am not 'having a go', merely trying to suggest that, in fact, you have paid off your debts using family money not your money.
If you could see it this way it may make you feel less annoyed about the situation.
This, of course doesn't detract from the fact that you have gone without whereas your husband hasn't but it might give you a way of having that conversation with your husband about how you move on in the future.
Paying off your debt the way you have has highlighted the whole unfairness of the situation. You should be combining your monies and working together to clear all the debt. If this means that you have to do the financial side of it and dish out some spends for both of you then so be it.
To not tell your husband that you have cleared your debts is, in my opinion, wrong. To start saving without telling him is, in my opinion, wrong.
You should be working together. Hopefully he will be proud of what you have achieved.
You seem to be living two separate lives. This can only get worse unless you start talking about family finances.
Please don't take this the wrong way. You have done a brilliant job.0
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