I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?

Mojisola

purpleposting4 wrote: »

And if all that fails, well at least I know where I stand

Don't take his first reaction as his final one.

He might kick off and be very defensive at first but, after thinking about the issues you've raised, realise that you two need to start working as a team to solve the relationship and financial problems and start to come round.

Smodlet

Hi, purpleposting4, how is it going?

[Deleted User]

Hi Smodlet, thanks for checking up on me! :):)
I'm ok thank you, have had a busy weekend and feel positive about stuff going forward. The financial side of it might now go in the right direction and then we will have to see about the relationship (!) but will see what happens longer term.
Ok, so this is what I have been up to:

purpleposting4 wrote: »

So, after all that's been said and done, my plan of attack for this weekend and the week ahead:

• Have the dreaded Chat.
• Discuss debts, tell him I have repaid mine, find out what his views are on his.
• Ask him if he is happy, and if not, why not, and what I can do to help, if anything.
• Tell him that I am going to be saving an emergency fund. Not a pay off his debts for him fund, not a 'I've spent it can I have more' fund or for a holiday. A genuine emergency fund.
• If he's receptive to the idea, mention the idea about him having a certain amount per week in a seperate account, and the rest I dish out to his debtors and make sure his direct debits are paid.
• See if he really needs his beloved sky sports subscription, or if that is a little below the belt if he's depressed already. We'll see on that one.
• Once his debts have cleared with myself overpaying them on his behalf, then sit down again with him and work out our joint finaces and do a re-budget and re-think our joint financial situation.
• Tell him that I do need practical, emotional and financial support too, but also see if there's anything I can do to help him help himself, and therefore help us both with how we're feeling.
• Suggest a few family days for the next few Sundays when he's not at work. Freebie days out, a picnic, trip to the seaside etc. Show him where he needs to be and what he's missing.

I think that's about it
And if all that fails, well at least I know where I stand

And that I can cope ok on my own if I need to in the future

But I won't tell him that just yet

We have had The Chat. :eek:

• I had written down his debts and said we needed to talk about our monies, so he sat with me at the kitchen table and I showed him where he was up to with his debts. He was quite shocked that he still had about £6.5k to deal with and was in a responsive mood so I reminded him about the times he's withdrawn money on his card, the amounts of 'his' monies that he spends each week on himself and going out, and not on his debts or other family money needs and bills. He did seem genuinely shocked and a bit more down in the dumps until I started talking through The Plan.

• To be honest I couldn't quite tell him that my debts are completely cleared, and he didn't ask to see my budget notebook, so I skimmed over that bit by saying that I was nearly there because I don't go out and I have been trying really hard by overpaying, and that it wouldn't be long before I was saving up an emergency fund, become debt-free and be able to save for other things or do more things that I wanted to.

• So then, The Plan. I mentioned the separate account idea, and then he said to me, "how about each week on a friday when I get paid, you pay money where it needs to go, overpay some debts in whichever order you feel and then just give me £30 a week for me?" He then gave me his banking login details and his bank card!!!

• I also mentioned Sky and his mobile contract, to which he said that he would go sim-only on his contract asap (Jan 2017) and could he keep the Sky for the Sports because the footy season has started again, and if he's not going out as often, then he can watch his beloved footbll at home? Fair enough, but we agreed if he doesn't keep up his deal, then this would have to go.

• Told him I want him and need him to be more involved with finances otherwise we are going nowhere, and he was very positive and said he would start listening (hmm let's hope so!!) and then started talking about his savings once he had cleared everything. The next day he seemed very positive still and must have been thinking about it lots because he was still talking positively about not going out as much, maybe getting a couple of cans in the house, watching the footy at home, being pleased that I would be overpaying his debts quicker, working out what his £30 per week would get him, and even talking about saving £10 each week! He seems to be very switched on at the moment, so that's great.

• I asked him about how he was feeling and he said that he wished he was in a different job as this one is so boring and he wants more money and more hours. That's all positive stuff, so I said I would help him with a job search. He seemed upbeat about that, and just said that he had been feeling down as he just felt the same week in week out and that it was boring and he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and didn't know what to do to make things better. I said I would help him, and then he said that actually just talking about the money and getting a plan together and thinking about savings for different things was good as he could see a plan and something for the future!

• For someone who asked in a previous post, no I am unable to work at the moment and have a pip claim going through. Husband is aware of my medical issues and realises that I am unable to help out from a work-financial point of view, and he also realises he needs to get off his lazy ar*e and find more hours!! (thanks Smodlet, I did sort of use your comments when telling him a few home truths!!!) 30 hours a week for a family of 5 is pathetic, and he knows this, I've told him this, and regardless of my situation he needs a full-time job. He has also said he will help out a bit more around the house, especially if I'm having a bad day, and to be fair he did actually help me out yesterday which was appreciated, it didn't take long, and he had a happy wife, so all good. Job searching has started.

• And it's our daughter's birthday this weekend so I've told him about some freebie ideas, and we are going to the seaside with a picnic, weather depending, this weekend for her bithday! He also agreed to come up with freebie ideas to do at least one thing per week as a family. Sounds great, and I'm fairly confident this will happen, otherwise it's obvious he really isn't bothered and then we will be having a different Chat!

And that's about it!
We will see how it goes. I am feeling more positive about financial things, and once his debts are sorted then together we will have a rethink about all of the family bills and re-jig our monies accordingly. Hopefully financially and emotionally things will move in the right direction and he will become happier all round.
If that in turn all makes him a happier, less selfish, fair, positive and supportive man, then I will be very happy. If not, then at least I know I am debt-free and can manage perfectly well on my own.


Thanks Smodlet for your interest and help, and to anyone else reading this, and for people's positive and constructive comments over the last few days. :):)

Smodlet

Good for you! I tried to PM you but see that is not a thing for you. I am glad you did not tell him you are debt-free, I think you should always keep a fall back position, myself... and I did not mean for you to say that about getting off his proverbial but hey, whatever works, right?

Thank you for letting me know you are OK. I was imagining a few scary scenarios.

Cheers for now, S.

MoneyMission2015

Hi Purple


I was in a similar scenario with my OH last year. I had finally had my lightbulb moment and was busy paying off debts, cutting back etc but my OH wasn't bothered about his credit cards and the fact that he was paying minimum payments.

I concentrated on myself for a while and when I'd managed to get all my credit cards on 0% I mentioned it to my OH and asked him if he'd like me to try and sort his out for him to get them on 0%. When he realised he could be paying no interest he did get a little bit more interested and was happy for me to sort out a balance transfer card for him. I did that and he was then happy to give me all his cards so that he didn't run up balances again. He carried on paying the minimum for a while but a few months later asked me how to set up a standing order to pay extra per month, so something must have clicked with him.


Might be worth a shot?


Edit to say: Sorry, I posted before reading through the whole thread. Well done on the chat & good luck.

bettyboo71

Hi Purple

I was relieved to read your update, and to see that things seem to have gone so well. It sounds like maybe he had gotten himself into this state of being stuck in a routine and not able to change it. And maybe he just needed to know that he can fix it, and that he doesn't have to do it on his own. It is early days and he may have some very challenging times ahead, especially if he is going out with his mates less and they maybe have a go at him. But he has a family and responsibilities, and hopefully he can see that. Maybe you both gradually slipped into this negative routine. But hopefully this is the start of a positive move for your whole family.

Good luck and keep us posted.

enthusiasticsaver

Positive news indeed Purple. How great if in a year or so you will be able to come back on and say your OH is debt free and you are both saving. Pleased he was so responsive.

Tyrone_Black

Gazzafatcityboy wrote: »

Hi there..


didn't want to read and run but how much do you think he spends on the fruities? Do you think he may have a gambling problem of some sort?


Gaz

If you're borrowing money to gamble with, that's a pretty clear indicator...

OP needs to be careful here. That talk looks very constructive and he seems to have engaged, but £30 a week will be difficult for him. How will he react when he runs out of money early? What about when he just gets bored?

I would get him to sign up for Noddle or something just so you can always check if there have been any credit applications.

Sorry if I'm encouraging mistrust but using a credit card to put money into fruit machines is a big red flag imo.

[Deleted User]

Thank you for all your replies guys!

So far so good, but extremely early days I know! He's still positive and seems to be in a bit of an eager debt-sorting 'phase' so I hope it continues. Yes, I realise that £30 a week is not a lot of money for him each week, but this was his suggestion and tbh it's more than I've been having recently...
We will see how it goes, how enthusiastic he remains, see how his debts are reducing and then have another look at our finances together, but I am always going to be mindful of the fact that this last year I have been scrimping and sorting stuff out to get my debts to zero, and he's been a bit of a d**k and stuck to minimums and gambled a load, so no, I don't really want to be going without so he can get sorted. He needs to be going without to get sorted!

Hi again Smodlet, sorry my pm settings are not right, not sure about that, but haven't had any reason to send or receive messages until now, so apologies for that! Yup, I will keep a few cards close to my chest, and just knowing that I am sorted and could manage myself does help me feel much more confident going forward. I am still fine, and will make sure the kiddies and I are always fine, and will have no one make us feel anything less than secure and happy, so don't worry, but thank you lots. :A

Thanks MoneyMission2015, I will look into 0% cards for him, although I don't think his credit-worthiness will be much good lol! I am already using the debt snowball calculator to see which ones to pay off first etc. I have written it all down in my notebook, and he seems very positive about seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully he can be like your OH and start to really realise in his own time what he wants and what he needs to be doing!

Thank you bettyboo71, for your positive comments and understanding. It is early days and I'm sure we are going to hit a few rough patches when he's bored or wants to go out with his mates on a night out and he's already spent up! The answer will be 'no' and I will make sure I get him on a thursday evening, mention what/who I am going to be paying off the following day, and then on friday payday I am just going to do it - before it gets to friday evening and then he changes his mind! Lets hope it works! He needs to make it work for us all as a family, otherwise it is not fair. It's not all about me sorting out the house, being with the kiddies and paying the bills while he cures his socialising, drinking and gamibling likes and addictions! Nope, not happening. We will see, and fingers crossed things continue in the right direction.

Oooh enthusiasticsaver, I really hope so! Wouldn't that be fab! I'm already looking at a few savings options and browsing the Savings Board (!) instead of the Debt Board!
I realise I am taking on his problems, but it's helping my anxieties about our monies and I can see an end in sight for him. I don't want to see him at a disadvantage in life compared to me when we are equals, and so it's like I am trying to get him sorted before the next chapter in our lives. Hopefully that involves savings and moving forward in life together, as a family, living simply and enjoying life, but if it's not meant to be then at least I know I have tried so hard, and what will be, will be.

Hi Tyrone Black, yes I will be keeping my guard up as I realise he's been an idiot with his credit ways and that's not going to change overnight, and his way of thinking when in certain situations might not change for a long while. I'm also not with him when he does go out, nor do I know what he or his friends really think if/when they know he's not going out as much. It might cause a few rows, but I'm prepared for that. To be honest I've always thought that his ways were wrong and not fair, and when I first started this thread I got it all of my chest, only to be agreed with, and it was great for me. It has confirmed the way I have always been thinking, and has given me confidence knowing that I am sorting out myself and my finances right, and can do it myself. :cool: I want this life, I want a simple, debt-free life, with my children. I do not want a life where I am getting shouted at because of money problems, where he chooses the pub over his kids, or where I feel that we are not in this together. That I will not have, I just need to be in a strong position and frame of mind (which is not easy for me) if it goes that way.
As for the Noddle accounts, we already have of those each, thank you. Mine is starting to look quite good; accounts are finally getting around to being closed and my 'credit score' is on the up. I do have access to his and he's only (currently) got what he says he's got, so I know what's what, but I will keep up with that one, just in case.


Thank you everyone, I will update either way, and hopefully I will be back on here in a year or so with some good news and/or lots of positive progress and some savings too! :A:A:A

Bye for now, and thank you again xx

Smodlet

Good for you, purple, you sound so much stronger, now. I think you might be realising you deserve so much better than you have been getting. We teach people how to treat us, according to Dr. Phil and, while I dispute that, he is correct insofar as if we don't say, "no", we are deemed to be saying, "yes" to being treated badly.