I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?

[Deleted User]

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Well done for paying your debt and yes you need to now concentrate on building up savings.

I would agree with others that your relationship with your OH is very unbalanced. First of all on what is a very low income of £800 per month (is that full time?) your OH gets to keep all his income for paying over the odds for a mobile, running his car, paying for non essential (sky) plus the odd amount towards his debts and then fun money. You on the other hand pay all the bills, all the groceries, kids pocket money and out of what is left you did put towards your debt and spent nothing on yourself. That is grossly unfair. Tell him in future he needs to pay something towards bills and if he says he cant afford to tell him to stop the gambling and the sky bill or his debts will never be cleared. I would not be giving him anything as he sounds totally selfish.

Thank you for your comments, and yes savings will now be one of the priorities for me
My OH's job is only 30 hours per week on minimum wage. He does dislike his job and wants more hours, but is all talk when it comes to looking as he never does anything about it. I have looked for him and found things that he either says no to immediately or says he will follow up but never does. I have even helped him re-do his cv.
He is totally selfish, just to top it off he finished work yesterday afternoon and went straight out (payday), even though he knew I was struggling and tired. He said he would come back about 8, but it was nearer 11 when he showed up drunk and snoring on the sofa last night.

I am going to be discussing all of this over the weekend, if I can get him in a reasonable mood and not drunk.

[Deleted User]

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I wonder if I might put a slightly different slant on this?

Am I right in thinking that you use the child benefit and tax credits to pay for everything and you receive some housing benefit? Yes, although the housing benefit is only approx £10 per week, not full help.

The reason I mention this is because you may want to consider rethinking how your finances are arranged based on the principle that the child benefit has been awarded for your (ie yours and your husband's ) children and the tax credits have been awarded based on your children and the fact that your husband has a low paid job. In effect these benefits (including the HB) have been awarded jointly.

I am not 'having a go', merely trying to suggest that, in fact, you have paid off your debts using family money not your money.

I understand what you are saying, and appreciate a different way of looking at it. The way I look at it is that I have been using the TC and CB money to pay for all the bills round here and groceries etc, otherwise they wouldn't have been paid. With what is left, which I think is approx £250 per month, I have gone without any luxuries and gone about reducing our family bills to the bare minimum.
I have used my 'spare' money to pay off debts, yes, but he isn't using his 'spare' money in the same way, of which he has more of and is paying non-essential items with what little money he earns. I have also sold a lot of my things to be able to clear the debts quicker; things like my dvds, books etc.
I have made sure that the children have a roof over their heads, food to eat, clothes to wear, everything they need, school trips and residentials have been funded out of 'my spare money', as has the last car mot. So I understand completely that I have not 'earned' my money, but I certainly have not been selfish in how I have spent it, I haven't spent it on myself, and have tried hard to pay back my debts over the last couple of years.

If you could see it this way it may make you feel less annoyed about the situation.

This, of course doesn't detract from the fact that you have gone without whereas your husband hasn't but it might give you a way of having that conversation with your husband about how you move on in the future.

Paying off your debt the way you have has highlighted the whole unfairness of the situation. You should be combining your monies and working together to clear all the debt. If this means that you have to do the financial side of it and dish out some spends for both of you then so be it.

To not tell your husband that you have cleared your debts is, in my opinion, wrong. To start saving without telling him is, in my opinion, wrong. I have told him in the past that I had cleared most of it, nearly two thirds off, and will be trying to find a good time this weekend to tell him I've paid it all off. I will start saving, as I feel we need an emergency fund for us all as a family, and until I am convinced that he will change his ways and not blow all of the money, I want to be able to have some available money should an emergency crop up, and not have to resort to using credit again. When I end up having a chat with him about everything, I will tell him that I am saving an emergency fund.

You should be working together. Hopefully he will be proud of what you have achieved. Unfortunately I doubt he will be proud, more likely jealous and angry, hence why I've not mentioned it to him yet.

You seem to be living two separate lives. We are. He goes to work, then meets up with his mates and goes out to the pub, comes home for his tea and his clean clothes and then the cycle repeats. I am in charge of the kids, getting them to school, sorting out all of their stuff, their clothes, food and the house and all associated bills etc. I have my own friends, he has his. This can only get worse unless you start talking about family finances. To be honest, I don't think it can get any better anyway, like you said, we lead seperate lives already, is he only with me for the roof over his head?

Please don't take this the wrong way. You have done a brilliant job. Thank you

Thank you, I have put some comments above, and appreciate your view on it
I have woken up this morning with a sad realisation that I perhaps don't believe we can sort this out, not just because of money, debts and how we see our future finances, but for a whole variety of reasons.
I do feel like he isn't happy with his life, with how it's turned out, he dislikes his job and possibly dislikes me, but I feel maybe he feels he doesn't have a choice and needs somewhere, his home, or what else has he got and where else can he go? Maybe he is depressed.
I will still be having 'the chat' and telling him what I've done, and what I plan on doing. I will also be telling him exactly what I think of his antics, attitude to money and lack of help and support; financially, practically and emotionally. I willsee what he says, and help if I can, and if he will let me.

But this isn't a marriage guidance or counselling board, this is a debt-free wannabe board! So I will leave it there once again, and thank you for your suggestions

tlc678910

Hi, I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling.

He perhaps thinks you would be better off without him or that he is not adding much to your family (men can sometimes think their only role is bringing home the bacon and if they feel like they are failing at that feel they are worthless - not true of course!)

When you speak to him be careful that you don't tell him you will be better off without him as I fear this may be reinforcing what he feels anyway e.g. you will be better off financially as a single parent etc or he doesn't help anyway etc. I do get the impression that you would love your husband to be around more and give his time and support to you and the children

i think it's important he knows how much he is needed at home for friendship, support and to care for/ play with his children.

My guess is that stating the (true) case that his family need him will be more helpful than letting anger take over and telling him you don't need him (because he behaves like x, y, z and you manage anyway).

Your family finances are improving and turning around your husbands attitude to his finances may take a while but your relationship is the priority. If you and your husband can become more of a team again his finances can catch up later.

Good luck

pmlindyloo

And thank you for taking my post as it was intended.

I know this isn't a relationship board but your relationship is intertwined with the debt so perhaps a little leeway can be given for discussing it.

I do hope you manage to have your chat with your husband. I think you may have possibly hit the nail on the head when you say your husband may be depressed. He hates his job, he earns comparatively little, has little or no interest in family life, gambles and drinks with the boys.

Of course he may also be a complete and selfish d***.

You are obviously a very strong character with great will power (hence getting rid of the debt). He, in contrast, is weak. (sorry, beginning to sound like a marriage counsellor!) It is possible that his gambling and drinking with the boys is the only time he feels in control and potentially strong.

Only you know whether this marriage is going to work and the suggestion for marriage counselling is a good one but it is also likely (?) that this will be a definite 'no no' for him as he will see it as another sign of his weakness.

I do hope your chat will go well.

Will be thinking of you.

[Deleted User]

tlc678910, nope, I won't get angry when I have a chat with him, that's not like me. I do tend to feel annoyed, angry or low, but bottle it up and/or let my frustrations boil over into an internet forum where I can bash out my feelings onto my keyboard and hit submit!
I'd like to think I was a very positive person, and have enough on my plate at the moment with other medical issues that I don't need to be all doom and gloom around the house, around him, or around others.

pmlindyloo, you have hit the nail on the head about him, I do think he feels weak because of certain parts of his life, that going out with the lads he can get a bit loud, have a laugh and be 'stong', and no I don't think he would see someone about our marriage!

Yes, I do think I could manage without him, but yes I do still wish he was around more and be a positive part of mine and our children's lives. If he's down in the dumps at the moment and wants me to help, I will, but if he is a complete and selfish d*** then I will be giving him an ultimatum! It will be a positive, helpful chat, I promise!

So, after all that's been said and done, my plan of attack for this weekend and the week ahead:

• Have the dreaded Chat.
• Discuss debts, tell him I have repaid mine, find out what his views are on his.
• Ask him if he is happy, and if not, why not, and what I can do to help, if anything.
• Tell him that I am going to be saving an emergency fund. Not a pay off his debts for him fund, not a 'I've spent it can I have more' fund or for a holiday. A genuine emergency fund.
• If he's receptive to the idea, mention the idea about him having a certain amount per week in a seperate account, and the rest I dish out to his debtors and make sure is direct debits are paid.
• See if he really needs his beloved sky sports subscription, or if that is a little below the belt if he's depressed already. We'll see on that one.
• Once his debts have cleared with myself overpaying them on his behalf, then sit down again with him and work out our joint finaces and do a re-budget and re-think our joint financial situation.
• Tell him that I do need practical, emotional and financial support too, but also see if there's anything I can do to help him help himself, and therefore help us both with how we're feeling.
• Suggest a few family days for the next few Sundays when he's not at work. Freebie days out, a picnic, trip to the seaside etc. Show him where he needs to be and what he's missing.

I think that's about it
And if all that fails, well at least I know where I stand

And that I can cope ok on my own if I need to in the future

But I won't tell him that just yet


Thanks again guys for your advice, help and support, and for your confidence in me being a very strong, positive character; I certainly doesn't feel like it at times!

I think everything has been said and done, and I now have a plan, so thank you very much :cool::)

Smodlet

Hey, purple, are you feeling any better this morning? I do hope so.

Your thread seems to be going in exactly the direction you said so diplomatically and beautifully you did not want it to to. It does not matter what anyone thinks about your relationship except you. I think you already were aware of the inequality within it but this forum is not about relationship counselling.

I just wanted to chime in and remind you that you are the strong one, however much you don't want to be at times. You are the one who takes care of your children, pays all the bills, is the reason any of you have a roof over your head and food on the table. Please, do what is right for you. This seems to be coming down to sheer survival... and I will be around any time you need a virtual ear.

Thinking of you. S xxx

Edited to add: Crossed posts with you! Sorry.

[Deleted User]

Smodlet wrote: »

Hey, purple, are you feeling any better this morning? I do hope so.

Your thread seems to be going in exactly the direction you said so diplomatically and beautifully you did not want it to to. It does not matter what anyone thinks about your relationship except you. I think you already were aware of the inequality within it but this forum is not about relationship counselling.

I just wanted to chime in and remind you that you are the strong one, however much you don't want to be at times. You are the one who takes care of your children, pays all the bills, is the reason any of you have a roof over your head and food on the table. Please, do what is right for you. This seems to be coming down to sheer survival... and I will be around any time you need a virtual ear.

Thinking of you. S xxx

Morning Smodlet :wave:
Yes, feeling a lot better this morning, and much more focused too, thank you!

Yeah, I noticed the thread was going that way too, so was trying to steer it around, but I think I know what I'm doing now so it's all ok! I'm going to focus on his finances first and see if I can help him, and therefore us as a couple and family, and then deal with everything emotional and the relationship inequality stuff after that!

Thank you for popping back in to check up on me, Smodlet, it means a lot. It's good to hear other people's views, be reminded that I am doing ok and to keep going.
What will be, will be.

Smodlet

:hello: back atcha! :cool:

FBaby

I think your issues are indeed much more about your relationship than your finances. The way your husband acts reflects the behaviour of someone who isn't happy with his life and trying to find some mood enhancing in ways that unfortunately cost money.

It sounds like he is not happy at all with the family low income and how it restricts you. You seem satisfied with doing with less but he isn't. Could he be resentful of the fact that you are not working? You say you can't but does he agree? The fact that he doesn't like his job could be contributing to his feelings? Also you don't mention the age of your children, but as you mention pocket money, they must be over the age of 10 or so. Does he worry what will happen once you are not in a position of claiming tax credits/CB any longer? Maybe he is worried about the future?

He might also be resentful to the fact that because you've sorted your debts and are happy with how you've cut down, you are now putting pressure on him to do the same when at some point, you had a different view on spending. Of course your approach is the best one, but that doesn't mean he agrees with it.

I hope you guys can work things out so both of you can feel happy with your lives together as a family.

Smodlet

If he is so unhappy in his job he should get off his rear and find one he prefers, or at least one that pays significantly more. Why is he working only thirty hours a week, would any more impinge on his gambling?

He needs to grow up, imho!