I'm finally debt-free! Husband isn't. Now what?

[Deleted User]

Jolinar wrote: »

We split everything down the middle, once the bills are paid and the central saving pot is serviced we each have our own money to with as we wish. We're not financially linked as he's a liability, mortgage is in my name only.

Good luck, it's not easy dealing with a spouse who has not had their LBM!

Thank you, I think I am going to have to re-think how the monies in our house are split. I just don't think he's going to be very receptive about the whole idea and will probably have a go. In fact I know what he will say, he will say that he doesn't earn much and that he's got all these debts and he needs the money, it's his money and he's earned it!
Ok, I think this is going down the whole marriage advice thing again, so I will stop! I know, and at least I am sorted if things do end up going south, I just want to help him and hopefully in turn help us, but if he can't at least help himself a bit then I may be fighting a losing battle!
I would love us both to be debt-free, to share all bills equally, and to have our own equal pot of pennies that we can choose to do with as we wish. Luckily I think at this moment in time we don't have a mortgage!

Mojisola

purpleposting4 wrote: »

I know what you mean, but as I am a full-time mum with medical needs, we have split the money like this:

His wages £800ish (max per month, not great job) pay his monthly sky bill £30, his car tax £20, car insurance £45, mobile £35, Loan £115, store card £30, credit card £25min, credit card £50min, overdraft £10 interest only. These are minimum amounts and wouldn't clear the debts, so he's then got approx £400 to clear the debts down and spend his money on himself. Of which he spends all of that money on himself.

I receive approx £1000 per month in benefits (TC, CB etc) and pay £12 tv licence, £50 gas/elec, £26 water, £30 kids pocket money, £17.70 phone and bb, £95 council tax and £210 rent (council rent, partly helped), £300 groceries etc. This leaves me with about £250, which was for my debts until now, but now is for my mobile top up (hardly ever), money to save for xmas, to save for a small uk break or clothes if me or the kiddies need them. I can't remember the last time I bought clothes or went out, I usually just go round to my mates for a cuppa or we take the kids to the park.

Actually just writing that down makes me think that I'm drawing the short straw...

Why not work it the other way - both of you get £200/250 (or whatever you decide) spending money and all the rest goes into paying the bills and the debts.

Mojisola

purpleposting4 wrote: »

I receive approx £1000 per month in benefits (TC, CB etc) and pay £12 tv licence, £50 gas/elec, £26 water, £30 kids pocket money, £17.70 phone and bb, £95 council tax and £210 rent (council rent, partly helped), £300 groceries etc.

purpleposting4 wrote: »

I just don't think he's going to be very receptive about the whole idea and will probably have a go.

In fact I know what he will say, he will say that he doesn't earn much and that he's got all these debts and he needs the money, it's his money and he's earned it!

And, like the rest of the population, he has to spend his wages on living expenses - at the moment he's getting a completely free ride.

What a dreadful example he's setting for the children!

[Deleted User]

Mojisola wrote: »

Why not work it the other way - both of you get £200/250 (or whatever you decide) spending money and all the rest goes into paying the bills and the debts.

So effectively he reduces his £400 surplus/debt monies down to £250 say, and then makes sure he overpays his debts by £150 each month? Or down to £200 for the time being and then overpays by £150 and perhaps contributes towards some household savings?
We have seperate bank accounts (thank goodness!) and we did try to split bills so that I paid the majority as my account received the most money. All household bills are in my name only. I don't really need a lot of money for myself

[Deleted User]

Mojisola wrote: »

And, like the rest of the population, he has to spend his wages on living expenses - at the moment he's getting a completely free ride.

What a dreadful example he's setting for the children!

I know but I do feel unless I/we do something drastic, I am powerless to change this.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I have a lot of info to digest, monies to sort and things to look into.
From banks, offers and savings, to marriage advice and free-riding husbands, I think I know where I stand.

As long as the kiddies and myself are alright, that's the main thing.

nkkingston

Having said you're not looking for marriage counselling at the beginning of the thread, I think that's actually a good place to start. He's obviously not understanding how it's making you feel to shoulder the financial burden, and if he's constantly blowing money on nights out and gambling there's probably something going on emotionally with him that he's soothing the wrong way. Maybe put some of your new discretionary income into some sessions with Relate to see if they can help both of you communicate your dissatisfaction and put together a roadmap to a happier and more secure place together.

It might be a tough sell (and a scary one - most people associate counselling with imminent divorce, rather than a stronger marriage, sadly) but you need to make it clear it's about planning your future together with the help of a professional, and about learning to communicate better with each other about emotionally fraught issues like money.

Smodlet

Wow. You did not say that before. For some reason I got the impression you were both working and that this was an annoyance rather than a disaster. Despite what Gazza said, I feel the gambling is a problem, especially given your circumstances. £500 out of £2-3K income per month is a significant chunk. Out of £800 per month, it is 62.5%!

Oh, sweetheart, you are so getting the short straw. Where is the support, emotional, practical or financial? While my lovely OH is hardly the best with finances (which is why he leaves that side of things to me, who am tighter than a camel's rear end in a sandstorm and one heck of persistent !!!!! when it comes to complaining to npower) I know he would do pretty much anything for me. Emotionally, he is my rock. Practically, he does almost everything; I am more about theory, he is much more about practice. His proudest achievement whilst at school? Building a log cabin! Sod qualifications. I am sorry, babe, but as Mojisola kind of said, your partnership does not sound at all equal. What happened to the two of you being a team? What happened to, "it's you and me against the world"? I think you deserve better and the sooner your OH realises that, the better.

[Deleted User]

Smodlet wrote: »

Wow. You did not say that before. For some reason I got the impression you were both working and that this was an annoyance rather than a disaster. Despite what Gazza said, I feel the gambling is a problem, especially given your circumstances. £500 out of £2-3K income per month is a significant chunk. Out of £800 per month, it is 62.5%!

Oh, sweetheart, you are so getting the short straw. Where is the support, emotional, practical or financial? While my lovely OH is hardly the best with finances (which is why he leaves that side of things to me, who am tighter than a camel's rear end in a sandstorm and one heck of persistent !!!!! when it comes to complaining to npower) I know he would do pretty much anything for me. Emotionally, he is my rock. Practically, he does almost everything; I am more about theory, he is much more about practice. His proudest achievement whilst at school? Building a log cabin! Sod qualifications. I am sorry, babe, but as Mojisola kind of said, your partnership does not sound at all equal. What happened to the two of you being a team? What happened to, "it's you and me against the world"? I think you deserve better and the sooner your OH realises that, the better.

Yes, unfortunately, at the moment I am not in a position to work, hopefully someday soon, but not right now. In the past when OH was out of work and complaining about lack of money, I went out and got the first job I applied for, got more hours and more money than he is earning now, and our youngest child was only 10 months old. He disliked being the stay-at-home parent, so then found something for himself. I then had an accident and have been out of work since.
Gambling, 62.5% ! When you say it like that...

Unfortunately, I am very aware that it is a disaster, but am one for positive thinking and at the start of this thread was more coming on here and asking for advice about banking (ha!) and to slightly vent my frustration at how our paths are splitting slightly when it comes to finances and future prospects.

In a way now I am glad I wrote down what I was thinking and pressed submit, because I have been feeling a bit on my own for some time. All the bills are in my name, I have tweaked them, reduced them, shopped around, sold some of my stuff, reduced spending and put myself into a position where I know I can manage by myself, because ultimately that is what I am doing right now. Hearing everyon's responses to what is going on has helped me become more firm that what I am doing is right, and what I am going through isn't quite right, if you know what I mean. So thank you all for that. Like I said, if the kids and myself are ok...

Financially I am on my own. Emotionally, I so wish he was like your OH Smodlet and was my rock, but if I say I'm tired he says he's more tired. If I cry or am in pain, then I'm weak. Practically, well, does your OH want to come and build me a log cabin?! That sounds fab! Well done him! My kids help me more than he helps me, but he says that he works and he does enough. I know, I know, I do know I'm just not quite that strong yet. Practically I wish I could do more and that's a big sticking point for me as there are things I can no longer do or struggle with. I used to be the one who would decorate, assemble a chest of drawers or do the garden, but now it's all a bit as and when and I get told off by my mates if I try!

Thank you, Smodlet, for your kind words once again, they do really mean a lot. :A

Mojisola

purpleposting4 wrote: »

Financially I am on my own.

Emotionally, I so wish he was like your OH Smodlet and was my rock, but if I say I'm tired he says he's more tired. If I cry or am in pain, then I'm weak.

My kids help me more than he helps me, but he says that he works and he does enough. I know, I know, I do know I'm just not quite that strong yet.

Practically I wish I could do more and that's a big sticking point for me as there are things I can no longer do or struggle with. I used to be the one who would decorate, assemble a chest of drawers or do the garden, but now it's all a bit as and when and I get told off by my mates if I try!

Then if you were on your own and needed something doing, your mates would muck in and do it for you, wouldn't they?