Is it me ?

ERICS_MUM

SuzieSue wrote: »

However, what did concern me was that he blames you when you have your period. Is he really that selfish?

That's just plain weird to me. A middle aged man not knowing about a woman's bodily functions. Not just a woman but his partner, who he has known for years and who goes through it every 4 weeks.

paddy's_mum

Hold on!

The OP did not say that, in any form whatever. It arose in post 25.

However, having said that it raises an interesting question. What does the boyfriend do when intercourse is off the menu?

If he is able to -ahem- restrain himself then, is there any reason (apart from being a selfish, infantile "£$%) why he cannot moderate his demands at other times, such as when his partner is exhausted.

Ames

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Hold on!

The OP did not say that, in any form whatever. It arose in post 25.

However, having said that it raises an interesting question. What does the boyfriend do when intercourse is off the menu?

If he is able to -ahem- restrain himself then, is there any reason (apart from being a selfish, infantile "£$%) why he cannot moderate his demands at other times, such as when his partner is exhausted.

The op did say it in the first post. I missed it at first and had to go back and check:

lifeover40 wrote: »

hi, new username as I've been on here forever, but feel I need to ask for opinions - Is it me ?

Been with BF just over 2 years, used to live near my work - 20 mins I was at my desk, his was 20 mins / 35 mins depending on what office he was in that day (now he has 1 hr or 15 mins depending on office - normally 15 mins drive most days).

A year ago moved to 'his' area, so it takes me 1hr minimum to work providing I leave by 6.50am, 1.5 hrs home every day (driving). Took some adjusting - prior to moving I used to get up at 6.30am to do him breakfast in bed, he liked having his morning 'cuddle', left for work at 7.45 a happy boy. Bed time was around 10.30pm for both of us.
Now I'm up at 5.30am, leave for work 6.45am, work 8 hrs, home around 5.30pm.
This is where the feeling 'is it me' starts to kick in.
I get in, unload dishwasher, walk dog, cook dinner, make lunches for us both for next day, load dishwasher, end up having about hour & half sit down, shower then bed by 10pm latest.

He is saying I'm funny during the week, that I act like he doesn't exist ... because when he walks in at 6/6.30 pm he's in a 'come on lets go to bed' mood - he is very very highly strung in that department! - but I'm busy trying to get things done so I can actually flop after a long day and just sit and relax for an hour with him before doing all again tomorrow (really feels like groundhog day most days).

He does help sometimes around the house if I ask him (weekends usually), but he doesn't do cooking/ironing/sorting washing/dog walking.
His usual evening (when I'm 'ignoring' him consists of ipad games while I'm cooking, then tv with me, then at 9.30 when I go for my shower he goes on the xbox and plays online with his friends til midnight. (If we do both go to bed earlier he thinks it's ok to get up and go back downstairs after our 'cuddle' to play xbox rather than watch tv in bed - which makes me feel used tbh).

He plays football on a friday night, so gets in at 8pm to dinner cooked, everything done, and I manage to stay awake later and he feel's fridays are more of a 'normal' night (I'm still shattered but try and make more of an effort).

I've tried explaining how I feel in lots of different ways - I'm 46 years old, I don't feel like having 'cuddles' and leaving dinner to burn after being up since 5.30am, I'm shattered, the drive is tiring, the fact I don't get to sit down for more than an hour or so (weekends is cleaning/ironing/tidying - sometimes he is online with his friends chatting away for hours and I'm doing all the housework .. but I enjoy having a clean & tidy house and have always enjoyed housework so don't mind)..
He seems to think not having daily 'cuddles' means I don't love him - its really making me feel like I can't win - when its totm I'm made to feel bad as its no 'cuddles' for the week, but the thing is I still give him hugs, kisses, but that's not enough for him.

How does everyone else manage ?

I feel like even Superwoman would struggle trying to juggle - and the only thing I can see that I can try and change is the 7 hours sleep a night to give me more time to fit in the daily 'cuddles' - but I need sleep ...

I honestly thought he was my happy ever after but I'm feeling like unless I conform to what he want's I'm never going to be good enough .

kimplus8

You need to have this out with him before you hit total burn out- you are both full time so you should equally divide the housework etc to get more time together.
He is acting like you are his girlfriend and mother all rolled into one!

balletshoes

lifeover40 wrote: »

hi, new username as I've been on here forever, but feel I need to ask for opinions - Is it me ?

Been with BF just over 2 years, used to live near my work - 20 mins I was at my desk, his was 20 mins / 35 mins depending on what office he was in that day (now he has 1 hr or 15 mins depending on office - normally 15 mins drive most days).

A year ago moved to 'his' area, so it takes me 1hr minimum to work providing I leave by 6.50am, 1.5 hrs home every day (driving). Took some adjusting - prior to moving I used to get up at 6.30am to do him breakfast in bed, he liked having his morning 'cuddle', left for work at 7.45 a happy boy. Bed time was around 10.30pm for both of us.
Now I'm up at 5.30am, leave for work 6.45am, work 8 hrs, home around 5.30pm.
This is where the feeling 'is it me' starts to kick in.
I get in, unload dishwasher, walk dog, cook dinner, make lunches for us both for next day, load dishwasher, end up having about hour & half sit down, shower then bed by 10pm latest.

He is saying I'm funny during the week, that I act like he doesn't exist ... because when he walks in at 6/6.30 pm he's in a 'come on lets go to bed' mood - he is very very highly strung in that department! - but I'm busy trying to get things done so I can actually flop after a long day and just sit and relax for an hour with him before doing all again tomorrow (really feels like groundhog day most days).

He does help sometimes around the house if I ask him (weekends usually), but he doesn't do cooking/ironing/sorting washing/dog walking.
His usual evening (when I'm 'ignoring' him consists of ipad games while I'm cooking, then tv with me, then at 9.30 when I go for my shower he goes on the xbox and plays online with his friends til midnight. (If we do both go to bed earlier he thinks it's ok to get up and go back downstairs after our 'cuddle' to play xbox rather than watch tv in bed - which makes me feel used tbh).

He plays football on a friday night, so gets in at 8pm to dinner cooked, everything done, and I manage to stay awake later and he feel's fridays are more of a 'normal' night (I'm still shattered but try and make more of an effort).

I've tried explaining how I feel in lots of different ways - I'm 46 years old, I don't feel like having 'cuddles' and leaving dinner to burn after being up since 5.30am, I'm shattered, the drive is tiring, the fact I don't get to sit down for more than an hour or so (weekends is cleaning/ironing/tidying - sometimes he is online with his friends chatting away for hours and I'm doing all the housework .. but I enjoy having a clean & tidy house and have always enjoyed housework so don't mind)..
He seems to think not having daily 'cuddles' means I don't love him - its really making me feel like I can't win - when its totm I'm made to feel bad as its no 'cuddles' for the week, but the thing is I still give him hugs, kisses, but that's not enough for him.

How does everyone else manage ?

I feel like even Superwoman would struggle trying to juggle - and the only thing I can see that I can try and change is the 7 hours sleep a night to give me more time to fit in the daily 'cuddles' - but I need sleep ...

I honestly thought he was my happy ever after but I'm feeling like unless I conform to what he want's I'm never going to be good enough .

No-one is Superwoman, and no-one (including your partner) should be a part of making you feel like you're never going to be good enough. But are you possibly putting too much pressure on yourself? Of course you need your sleep, if I don't get 7 hours sleep a night I'm a right crabby cowbag in no time. Your workday including the commute is very long, is there any practical way that could be cut back?
Then you seem to think there is always stuff in the house which must be done when you get home - is it really necessary, or is it just because you used to be able to do it (with you shorter workday at your previous home) and so you feel you must still do those chores every day? Could your OH take responsibility for some of the evening chores too, if they're really necessary? You could both go take the dog for a walk together, spend some quality time with each other that way? Its a cop-out saying "he doesn't do cooking/ironing/sorting washing/dog walking." Theres nothing stopping him from doing those things.

If your OH is an owl and not a lark, I personally don't see a problem with him heading back downstairs after you've spent some bedroom time together. I'd much rather my OH did that than have him disturbing me getting to sleep by watching TV next to me in bed.

justme111

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

a common tactic used by a lot of women.

Happens often indeed. Not so premeditated , it happens automatically. A man can keep having good and even better sex though if he cares about a woman having good time as well. As nobody would decline what they enjoy , or you disagree? In your scenario (which is classic indeed) either woman have not been catered for in sex so once she got a man she does not need to pretend any more that much or they had some issues not related to bed - arguments, rudeness , routine etc. In a man those issues do not necessarily kill the desire but in a woman they mote often than not do. How not wanting sex is woman''s fault, she does not think " I will deny him sex to make him do stuff", she thinks " I do not fancy him". You better understand it before you have your next relationship.

fizz

lifeover40 wrote: »

hi, new username as I've been on here forever, but feel I need to ask for opinions - Is it me ?

Been with BF just over 2 years, used to live near my work - 20 mins I was at my desk, his was 20 mins / 35 mins depending on what office he was in that day (now he has 1 hr or 15 mins depending on office - normally 15 mins drive most days).

A year ago moved to 'his' area, so it takes me 1hr minimum to work providing I leave by 6.50am, 1.5 hrs home every day (driving). Took some adjusting - prior to moving I used to get up at 6.30am to do him breakfast in bed, he liked having his morning 'cuddle', left for work at 7.45 a happy boy. Bed time was around 10.30pm for both of us.
Now I'm up at 5.30am, leave for work 6.45am, work 8 hrs, home around 5.30pm.
This is where the feeling 'is it me' starts to kick in.
I get in, unload dishwasher, walk dog, cook dinner, make lunches for us both for next day, load dishwasher, end up having about hour & half sit down, shower then bed by 10pm latest.

He is saying I'm funny during the week, that I act like he doesn't exist ... because when he walks in at 6/6.30 pm he's in a 'come on lets go to bed' mood - he is very very highly strung in that department! - but I'm busy trying to get things done so I can actually flop after a long day and just sit and relax for an hour with him before doing all again tomorrow (really feels like groundhog day most days).

He does help sometimes around the house if I ask him (weekends usually), but he doesn't do cooking/ironing/sorting washing/dog walking.
His usual evening (when I'm 'ignoring' him consists of ipad games while I'm cooking, then tv with me, then at 9.30 when I go for my shower he goes on the xbox and plays online with his friends til midnight. (If we do both go to bed earlier he thinks it's ok to get up and go back downstairs after our 'cuddle' to play xbox rather than watch tv in bed - which makes me feel used tbh).

He plays football on a friday night, so gets in at 8pm to dinner cooked, everything done, and I manage to stay awake later and he feel's fridays are more of a 'normal' night (I'm still shattered but try and make more of an effort).

I've tried explaining how I feel in lots of different ways - I'm 46 years old, I don't feel like having 'cuddles' and leaving dinner to burn after being up since 5.30am, I'm shattered, the drive is tiring, the fact I don't get to sit down for more than an hour or so (weekends is cleaning/ironing/tidying - sometimes he is online with his friends chatting away for hours and I'm doing all the housework .. but I enjoy having a clean & tidy house and have always enjoyed housework so don't mind)..
He seems to think not having daily 'cuddles' means I don't love him - its really making me feel like I can't win - when its totm I'm made to feel bad as its no 'cuddles' for the week, but the thing is I still give him hugs, kisses, but that's not enough for him.

How does everyone else manage ?

I feel like even Superwoman would struggle trying to juggle - and the only thing I can see that I can try and change is the 7 hours sleep a night to give me more time to fit in the daily 'cuddles' - but I need sleep ...

I honestly thought he was my happy ever after but I'm feeling like unless I conform to what he want's I'm never going to be good enough .

You were me when I was in my late 20's and quite frankly you need to get a grip.

You have moved to his area and working yourself into the ground to suit him?

You do all the housework?

He wants 'cuddles' all the time and doesn't appreciate how fed up you are?

I am 'over 40' and it took me a long time to see that I didn't need a total !!!! to complete me and I hope that you will realise it too.

You are his lover/partner, not his mom.

best of luck

fizz.x

cyantist

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Hold on!

The OP did not say that, in any form whatever. It arose in post 25.

However, having said that it raises an interesting question. What does the boyfriend do when intercourse is off the menu?

If he is able to -ahem- restrain himself then, is there any reason (apart from being a selfish, infantile "£$%) why he cannot moderate his demands at other times, such as when his partner is exhausted.

He whinges about it! Though shock horror, people do have sex on their period. However OP says it's off the menu and her partner is old enough to accept this and not throw a tantrum.

The idea of a cleaner is a good one if you can afford it. And getting him to take the dog for a walk while you cook.

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I think sex is an issue in most relationships where the guy wants it more and the woman doesn't realise what a big deal it is until it's to late.
My general opinion of women and sex is that they use it to get men into a serious relationship and then turn the tap off when they think they have him tied up.

Some studies have shown that the opposite is true. This really is a myth, and maybe an excuse used by men who stray and then believed by others because so many people perpetuate the myth

jamiehelsinki

It's what I found from 2 out of 3 serious relationships, once we had moved in together, they seemed to have a total different attitude to sex and what they would and wouldn't do.
A lot of friends, guys I work with pretty much say the same thing, the amount of married men I know who are using/have used escorts is ridiculous, the Internet has made this sort of thing so easy.
Someone asked the question would a woman refuse something they enjoy, in my opinion yes they do if they don't get their own way. You only gave to read some of the replies to see this is true.
This board is very much female dominated so you always end up with a female bias in answer to questions of this nature.

Someone said I'm bitter, in actual fact the sex in my marriage was pretty good compared to other past relationships although she did have the usual sulk and refuse it attitude when things didn't go her way, just because she's female doesn't mean she was always right either. My marriage failed because I wasn't happy with how close she was with a male work colleague (non sexual on her part, but it was out of my comfort zone and I wanted her to end it, she felt I was being to controlling) she has since admitted my gut instinct was right and he did want more but it's ruined our marriage anyway.

I told the OP her partner needs to do more around the house but this is probably as much her fault as his, she needs to leave his washing/ironing in the basket and let him run out of clean clothes, on day 1 she should tell him that she will cook tonight but it's his turn them following night. When ones cooking the other can clean up or walk the dog.

paddy's_mum

Ames wrote: »

The op did say it in the first post. I missed it at first and had to go back and check:

So did I, never having come across that abbreviation before. I thought it was a typing error so thanks for pointing it out.

Makes the boyfriend even more of a juvenile, selfish, spiteful twit though, doesn't it?