Is it me ?

fairy_lights

lifeover40 wrote: »

The intimacy is important - I agree - but its finding the right compromise, without him feeling he is 'hard done by' if its not daily !

Tell him that you feel quite 'hard done by' by being expected to do all of the housework while he plays on the X-box.
'Cuddles' aren't the only form of intimacy - what about the emotional intimacy of the relationship that he's completely neglecting by ignoring your needs?
How old is he? When I started reading your post I assumed you were quite a young couple from the descriptions of him going out to play football with his mates, spending hours playing games, not having and sense of what needs to be done around the house. But if you're 46 I'm guessing he's a similar age and really needs to grow up.

hazyjo

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I think sex is an issue in most relationships where the guy wants it more and the woman doesn't realise what a big deal it is until it's to late.
My general opinion of women and sex is that they use it to get men into a serious relationship and then turn the tap off when they think they have him tied up.
The amount of escorts operating in every town tells you how many men are probably sneaking about having it elsewhere!

Arguing about who should do what around the house was the beginning of the end of my marriage. She felt I should do more. I worked 50hrs to her 22 per week and felt this compensated.

I don't think it's just you but be careful not to punish him for other areas by taking intimacy out of the marriage, it seems to be a common tactic used by a lot of women.

Strange opinions, but hey ho, maybe you had a bad experience with your ex! Can assure you most of us aren't out to snare a man then not have to have sex. Believe it or not, most of us enjoy it just as much LOL (if they're not too selfish/quick - not saying you were lol, prob just different sex drives!).


IMO it's the men who can't be bothered - I always want it far more than anyone I've lived with/married. Was partly why my second marriage broke up! He thought twice a year was perfectly acceptable. Yeah right...


You have to balance. If twice a year is fine for you both, that's great. If twice a day is more like it, again, great if it suits you. If one is at one extreme and the other at the other, good luck - you'll need it.


Jx

fairy_lights

Jamiehelsinki wrote: »

I
My general opinion of women and sex is that they use it to get men into a serious relationship and then turn the tap off when they think they have him tied up.
The amount of escorts operating in every town tells you how many men are probably sneaking about having it elsewhere!

Wow.
It may surprise you to learn this, but women actually enjoy sex too and do not generally use it to lure a man in to a trap.
You must have had some very warped relationships in the past.

cyantist

lifeover40 wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments so far, and I can see (having written it down) how I am trying to do it all, whereas it should be shared more fairly.

The intimacy is important - I agree - but its finding the right compromise, without him feeling he is 'hard done by' if its not daily !

Would it be a problem daily, or almost daily, if you also didn't have to do everything else?

If he got up same time as you and put dinner in a slow cooker for example or did some housework, you wouldn't have much to do when you came home and could spend that time relaxing. He needs to compromise somewhere.

White-as-Snow

I think my only advise to you to be honest is stop for a minute. You can't really change someone else unfortunately. He may not care if the house is as clean as you would like it to be or if you have a take out instead of a cooked meal on the table. From experience I know you need to not feel guilty about not doing all the housework etc.

I agree that it would be good if he took a share of the chores but if he doesn't what then? If you don't do it he might eventually notice and do it? Maybe maybe not. Not mature I know but maybe he's one of them who don't respond well to being told what to do?

I agree with a previous poster that said use the hour when your home earlier than him to relax and have you time. The chores aren't going anywhere x

FBaby

The problem is, when a woman moves with her adored boyfriend, she wants to look after him, so she spoils him and he is happy, and his happiness makes her feel valued, wanted and love....until it falls into routine. He stops showing how lucky he is to have such a wonderful woman and she starts to feel used. Then instead of having a discussion to explain that it is time to revisit who does what for whom, the woman grows resentful, and all the man sees is that his wonderful woman is turning into another moody/nagging one.

You made your first mistake by taking on too much to start with. Now you have to deal with adjusting things when expectations have been set which means it will be harder than if it had been clear from the start. However, not impossible, but you will need to talk to him as adults, say that you thought you wouldn't mind doing everything, but now that you do, you realise how tired it makes you feel, and feeling tired means that you don't have the energy to be more fun and available and therefore the balance needs readjusting so everyone gets more of what they want.

lifeover40

thanks for all your comments, really giving me things to think about,
I like the idea of a rota, and working out how long each task takes, things have to be done, but doesn't matter by who !

Its good hearing others opinions

enthusiasticsaver

Tell him if he wants "his cuddles" then he has to help out more. Also stop doing all the housework.

Why did you move when you are having to do so much more commuting and he was only having to do a 20 min/35 minute commute from your previous place?

I am not surprised you are knackered. Getting up at 5.30 am every morning is inhumane IMHO. Suggest you take it in turns to make lunches/walk dog/cook dinner/unload dishwasher if you both working full time. What does he do around the house? Not surprising that sex seems to have become just another chore rather than something enjoyable. He sounds very selfish and uncaring not to mention immature. X Box?? He is a grown man isn't he and you are not his mum.

.j.e.j

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

X Box?? He is a grown man isn't he and you are not his mum.

fairy_lights wrote: »

Tell him that you feel quite 'hard done by' by being expected to do all of the housework while he plays on the X-box.

Surprisingly, a lot of gamers are actually getting on a bit! :rotfl:
It's not just youths and teens, - a lot of men in their 40s and 50s spend hours playing computer games when they get in from work.

blu3sky

Lots of good advice from others! I've been in a similar situation recently and two approaches worked well- firstly making a list of how much time we each spent on chores. Turned out he did lots of things that I'd forgotten about... oops! But we changed who did a few things too.

Second approach, you could try framing the conversation in terms of evening out how much leisure time you both get each week- that's a much nicer conversation to have even though the outcome is the same (him doing a fairer share of the housework!).