Is it me ?

lifeover40

hi, new username as I've been on here forever, but feel I need to ask for opinions - Is it me ?

Been with BF just over 2 years, used to live near my work - 20 mins I was at my desk, his was 20 mins / 35 mins depending on what office he was in that day (now he has 1 hr or 15 mins depending on office - normally 15 mins drive most days).

A year ago moved to 'his' area, so it takes me 1hr minimum to work providing I leave by 6.50am, 1.5 hrs home every day (driving). Took some adjusting - prior to moving I used to get up at 6.30am to do him breakfast in bed, he liked having his morning 'cuddle', left for work at 7.45 a happy boy. Bed time was around 10.30pm for both of us.
Now I'm up at 5.30am, leave for work 6.45am, work 8 hrs, home around 5.30pm.
This is where the feeling 'is it me' starts to kick in.
I get in, unload dishwasher, walk dog, cook dinner, make lunches for us both for next day, load dishwasher, end up having about hour & half sit down, shower then bed by 10pm latest.

He is saying I'm funny during the week, that I act like he doesn't exist ... because when he walks in at 6/6.30 pm he's in a 'come on lets go to bed' mood - he is very very highly strung in that department! - but I'm busy trying to get things done so I can actually flop after a long day and just sit and relax for an hour with him before doing all again tomorrow (really feels like groundhog day most days).

He does help sometimes around the house if I ask him (weekends usually), but he doesn't do cooking/ironing/sorting washing/dog walking.
His usual evening (when I'm 'ignoring' him consists of ipad games while I'm cooking, then tv with me, then at 9.30 when I go for my shower he goes on the xbox and plays online with his friends til midnight. (If we do both go to bed earlier he thinks it's ok to get up and go back downstairs after our 'cuddle' to play xbox rather than watch tv in bed - which makes me feel used tbh).

He plays football on a friday night, so gets in at 8pm to dinner cooked, everything done, and I manage to stay awake later and he feel's fridays are more of a 'normal' night (I'm still shattered but try and make more of an effort).

I've tried explaining how I feel in lots of different ways - I'm 46 years old, I don't feel like having 'cuddles' and leaving dinner to burn after being up since 5.30am, I'm shattered, the drive is tiring, the fact I don't get to sit down for more than an hour or so (weekends is cleaning/ironing/tidying - sometimes he is online with his friends chatting away for hours and I'm doing all the housework .. but I enjoy having a clean & tidy house and have always enjoyed housework so don't mind)..
He seems to think not having daily 'cuddles' means I don't love him - its really making me feel like I can't win - when its totm I'm made to feel bad as its no 'cuddles' for the week, but the thing is I still give him hugs, kisses, but that's not enough for him.

How does everyone else manage ?

I feel like even Superwoman would struggle trying to juggle - and the only thing I can see that I can try and change is the 7 hours sleep a night to give me more time to fit in the daily 'cuddles' - but I need sleep ...

I honestly thought he was my happy ever after but I'm feeling like unless I conform to what he want's I'm never going to be good enough .

paddy's_mum

You are being used and by a boy in man's clothing!

Where is the understanding, thecompromise, the sharing, the concern, the consideration, the practical help?

Nowhere? Thought so.

He's not a friend and you're not his servant.

No, it's not you. He's being selfish and uncaring. One of life's takers.

Ultimatum time - shape up or ship out since you are not and should not be his doormat.

I bet you pay half of everything too!

hazyjo

WHY do you do all that? I don't understand why you started doing all this without expecting him to help. If you say you don't mind, then you can't complain. Have you tried asking him rather than expecting him to help? A lot of people won't think to offer if someone does it for them.


Sounds to me like he wants a mum, not a GF (apart from the sex bit lol!).


If his sex drive is higher than yours, it needs discussing now. If you're too knackered, draw up a chart/rota if you have to, or allocate him certain jobs.


Sex should be a two way thing - not something you perform to keep your man happy. Does come across a bit that you're having sex on his demand (presuming you mean that from your term which I can't bring myself to use lol. Sex is sex.).

Jx
PS excuse the red - was gonna quote some but changed mind, and now can't get it off!

jamiehelsinki

I think sex is an issue in most relationships where the guy wants it more and the woman doesn't realise what a big deal it is until it's to late.
My general opinion of women and sex is that they use it to get men into a serious relationship and then turn the tap off when they think they have him tied up.
The amount of escorts operating in every town tells you how many men are probably sneaking about having it elsewhere!

When it comes to the house he's capable of doing his own breakfast and if you work equal hours the jobs should be shared out evenly. Tell him he needs to cook every other night or even walk the dog while you cook.

Arguing about who should do what around the house was the beginning of the end of my marriage. She felt I should do more. I worked 50hrs to her 22 per week and felt this compensated.

I don't think it's just you but be careful not to punish him for other areas by taking intimacy out of the marriage, it seems to be a common tactic used by a lot of women.

Izadora

lifeover40 wrote: »

How does everyone else manage ?

By having a partner who doesn't make unrealistic demands and is willing to pull their weight around the house.

Everything seems to be about him and what he wants and it seems as though you've made a rod for your own back by pandering to it - why on earth were you making him breakfast in bed each day!! - but relationships should involve compromise.

You need to have a proper conversation about what he needs to be doing around the house (and it's not 'helping' it's called doing his fair share...) and if he's not willing to put in at least a little bit of effort then I would seriously consider walking away. If he's never going to change then you might get your 'ever after' but I very much doubt it'll be happy.

lifeover40

Thanks for all your comments so far, and I can see (having written it down) how I am trying to do it all, whereas it should be shared more fairly.

The intimacy is important - I agree - but its finding the right compromise, without him feeling he is 'hard done by' if its not daily !

.j.e.j

You see, this is the trouble with going out to work when you're already taking full responsibility for the running of the home.

Effectively you end up doing 2 full time jobs. No wonder you're feeling tired and crabby!

If you want to carry on in your job which has a one hour commute each way, I'd suggest you make things a bit easier for yourself by hiring a cleaner (if finances allow) and taking turns cooking. A lot of men are very good cooks!

LKRDN_Morgan

lifeover40 wrote: »

How does everyone else manage ?

By not babying a grown man?

Whilst he sounds like an absolute tool (no offence) you sound just a bad! You're letting him get away with treating you this way. No doubt he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because it's always been this way?

TBagpuss

lifeover40 wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments so far, and I can see (having written it down) how I am trying to do it all, whereas it should be shared more fairly.

The intimacy is important - I agree - but its finding the right compromise, without him feeling he is 'hard done by' if its not daily !

Well, it's about both parties needs, not just his.

Sit down and talk with him. Maybe at a weekend when you are both a little rested and not too manic.

Explain that the new commute is exhuating, and that doing the bulk ofthe household tasks as well as working full time is too much, and no-one feels very amourous when they are exhausted.

think about what would make life better fro you and invite him to make suggestions.

For instnace:

- is moving either house or job so the commute is shorter an option? It sounds as though he hasn't gained much by the move in terms of commute - what were the expected benefits of miving and have they come through?

- You have to get up very early - it looks as though he gets in later than you. Would it be an option for you to spend that hour relaxing, having a nap or doing your own thing, so that the two of you can then share the chores once he gets home, and so you are less tired?

-What jobs do you each do? Make a list, with approx. times - it's very easy (particualrly if you are not the one doing them!) to under-estimate how long household tasks take. Maybe take a week and write down each task, each time you do it (e.g. make packed lunches, 20 minutes, Vacuum living room, 15 minutes, cook supper, 1 hour etc) - that way you can seee how many hours you are working but he can also see, and you can then open the door to discussing how those tasks can be more fairly shared. This is likely to ned some compromise from you as well as from him - if he is doing jobs then you will have to accept that he may not do them in the same way as you, or that the two of you may have to reach a compromise about things like how frequently the kitchen floor should be washed or the living room vacuumed.

- think about other options - can you afford some outside help?

Also - if you are not happy with him going back downstairs after you have 'cuddled' then say so - he wasnt lots of sex. You may be happy with less but it may be more importnat to you to experience other forms of intimacy - simply cuddling, holding each other, etc. Talk to him about what you need, and about other ways of expressing your feelings - does he appreciate that the other things you do for him also reflect your love and afffection?

Maybe suggest that he get up early , make the lunches and bring you breakfast, so you can get an extra half hour or so in the morning, and leave you with more energy later in the day.

AylesburyDuck

No, it's not you.
Eurgh, seriously, their is nothing attractive in a needy,high maintenace man.
If it were me, things would have to change.

Mojisola

lifeover40 wrote: »

Now I'm up at 5.30am, leave for work 6.45am, work 8 hrs, home around 5.30pm.

I get in, unload dishwasher, walk dog, cook dinner, make lunches for us both for next day, load dishwasher, end up having about hour & half sit down, shower then bed by 10pm latest.

I've tried explaining how I feel in lots of different ways - I'm 46 years old, I'm shattered, the drive is tiring, the fact I don't get to sit down for more than an hour or so

Swap roles for a month - write down everything you do and tell him he's got to do all that while you watch tv, play on the computer, have nights out with your friends - and see how long he lasts!

You shouldn't have got yourself into this position - you're not his Mum or his housekeeper - but now you're there, it's time to change.

If he's not willing to do his share (not 'help you' with the housework!), then he's a lost cause.