My devil mother is seeking forgiveness before she dies!

seven-day-weekend

BarryBlue wrote: »

I agree with all of these comments. Some people do such appalling things that they cannot ever be excused. The fact that somebody might be dying makes no difference in my view. They did what they did and if the OP feels that they don't want to have contact, then let them die without it. Once they're dead, that's an end to it.

Personally, if someone has wronged me then I tend to ignore them completely. I just don't let their existence affect me at all. If it makes them feel bad that I won't acknowledge them, that's fine by me. Tesuhoha has the right idea. Alternatively, refer them to the reply given in Arkell v Pressdram.;)

NB Forgiving is not the same as excusing. No one suggested the OP excused her mother.

System

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

NB Forgiving is not the same as excusing. No one suggested the OP excused her mother.

Indeed.

Hearing my Mother say she was sorry for the way she made me feel and the things she said allowed me to grieve after she died.

No doubt if i had not heard those words i would still be full of anger and bitterness.

I can now talk about my Mother without my blood pressure rising. Even talking about what i went through is different somehow.

All i feel is sadness now, not anger and bitterness.

seven-day-weekend

Judi wrote: »

Indeed.

Hearing my Mother say she was sorry for the way she made me feel and the things she said allowed me to grieve after she died.

No doubt if i had not heard those words i would still be full of anger and bitterness.

I can now talk about my Mother without my blood pressure rising. Even talking about what i went through is different somehow.

All i feel is sadness now, not anger and bitterness.

What a positive testimony, Judi, thanks for sharing it x

My husband also forgave his mother for all the dislike and negativity she had laid upon him when he was young - he got rid of the angst and just felt sadness that things were not different. He was even able to give a positive eulogy at her funeral.

Forgiveness is indeed good for the soul.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I wonder whether you're religious, going by your use of the word 'demonic'.

If so, it's not your job to forgive. If she's genuinely repentant, then her forgiveness will come from somewhere else.

TBagpuss

Enid_H wrote: »

I will try to address everything in one go.

There is no need for counselling. I have lived a normal life for the last 20 years.

I don't drink to drown my sorrows. Nevertheless, I do believe the drinking last night made my thinking irrational.

Where my mother is concerned. Receiving this letter has become the final chapter, culminating with all the bad which happenened during my early life coming to an end.

Once she has gone. I can finally put that skeleton in my closet to rest.

No amount of reparation from her will make me grant her forgiveness. I am going to burn the letter. She can die without knowing how I feel about what she did to me.

What has disturbed me about reading what I have written last night is how bad I have sounded. I have no emotion knowing she is dying. The world will be a better place without her and I do hope she rots in hell.

I can't hide my true feelings about her. She is my devil mother but it does appear from what comes out when I talk about her, is that I have inherited some of her cold demonic ways.

Actually, I don't think your response shows that you have inherited her ways. I think your response shows that you still have a lot of anger towards her which,as she was absuive to you and you have suffered as a result of that, is not an unreasonable response.

Even though you have managed to break away from your childhood and live a 'normal life' for the past 20 years, her coming back into your life in this way has stirred things up and it's not surprising that you are feeling some of the same empotions and reactions you had in the past.

I thin kthe only reason for responding would be if you feel that it would be helpful for you - either to give you some closure by allowing you to tell her how you feel, or for you to feel that you are not like her, by being more open minded. ut there is nothing wrong with you deciding that for your own wellbeing, the best thing to do is to do nothing.
Good luck.

System

He was even able to give a positive eulogy at her funeral.

I couldnt have gone that far.:(

I must admit, apart from the actual moment she died and i broke my heart i havent cried since. Havent needed to though i still grieve for her.

After the funeral directors took her body hubby found me lying on the bed in a ball where she had lay sobbing my heart out but my memories of it are somewhat vague.

So much healing in those three years. I wouldnt have missed it for the world.

AndyBSG

Obviously a post like this from a first time poster is going to raise doubts about it's authenticity but i'll ignore that in my reply.

If what the OP has posted is true then maybe my own view will be of use as I had a similar upbringing.

I was my mothers first child and my dad is a decent, law abiding family man who divorced my mother shortly after I was born. The reason for that is my mum was a thief and recreational drug user from a family of career criminals (she was even on the pilot episode of 'neighbours from hell'). I have no idea how my parents got together!

My mother had custody of me and I saw my dad every other other weekend and my mother went on to have my two sisters with another man, my step dad.

My step dad was also a criminal and druggie.

He used to beat me viciously and regularly, black eyes, broken arm, etc.Both him and my mothers drug use escalated through cocaine to heroine.

Eventually after about 5 years the physical abuse had got so bad that social services were heavily involved and it culminated with him fracturing my skull in 3 places when I was 8 years old.

Court case ensued, my dad got custody and I pretty much severed contact with my mother. Maybe saw her and my sisters a dozen times over the next 12 years.

She kept custody of her two daughters with my step dad because the court concluded the reason he beat is because I wasn't his child and because I was male.

Anyway, on turning 20 I attempted to rebuild relations with my sisters when I found out my older sister was now a heroine addict. My mum used to send her to pick her drugs up from her dealer so it was only ever going to end one way.

After a year or so my sister went to prison for burglary and I tried everything I could to help her but 3 days after getting out, the day before her 18th birthday she took a fatal overdose.

My step dad had vanished off the face of the planet at this point and my mother had been certified under the mental health act.

End result was that 7 days after my 21st birthday as her legal next of kin I had to give permission for her life support to be turned off.

During the coroners hearing I had to face my mother for the first time in about 6 years and she actually blamed me for my sisters death saying that I should have 'been there for her'.

Make no mistake, she was killed plain and simple by my mother as far as i'm concerned.

My mother then committed suicide while high on drugs 3 years later.

I spent probably about 6-7 years hating my mother after my sisters death and even when my mother died I did not attend her funeral and carried on hating her.

That hate caused me huge problems in life, I drank to excess, took ecstasy, never let anyone get close to me had major anger issues resulting in several cautions for fighting, etc.

To this day I still don't know what triggered it but one day I just stopped hating and got on with my life. Most people who know me nowadays can't actually believe that I had such a horrid upbringing considering how 'normal' I am now.

Today I have no feelings for my mother. There's still a little bitterness but no anger, no pity, no regret.

If I could go back and see my mother on her death bed before she died would I?

No, I wouldn't.

That said, I wouldn't do it out of anger or hatred, I simply wouldn't see her because I have erased her from my life. She holds no power to make me sad, angry, depressed, guilty or anything.

Seeing her would only have given her the chance to raise those feelings in me again and I have made peace with my past.

It seems like you haven't made peace with your past though so whether you should see her not is a decision for you to make but I would say this:

- If you want to see her out of anger, then don't.

- If you want to see her to accept her forgiveness in the hope it will help you make peace with how you feel, chances are it wont. Only you can do that.

- The only reason I think seeing her is a good idea is if you have made peace with yourself so anything she says can't affect you and if your only reason for seeing her is to let her make peace with herself.

Hope that helps.

paddy's_mum

AndyBSG wrote: »

She holds no power to make me sad, angry, depressed, guilty or anything.

This, in a nutshell, is what so many of us want for the OP when we counsel forgiveness.

Hatred harms only the hater and you have expressed that very clearly in your reply.

Well said and well done. :T

seven-day-weekend

[QUOTE=Judi;71043381]I couldnt have gone that far.:(

I must admit, apart from the actual moment she died and i broke my heart i havent cried since. Havent needed to though i still grieve for her.

After the funeral directors took her body hubby found me lying on the bed in a ball where she had lay sobbing my heart out but my memories of it are somewhat vague.

So much healing in those three years. I wouldnt have missed it for the world.[/QUOTE]

I don't think from what you have said that his mother was anywhere near as bad as yours.

NotBothered

I havent read all the posts, and this may have been said before, so apologies if that is the case.

But - as somebody who has been hurt I know how difficult it is to let go of your anger, especially when you allow it to consume you like I did. The mere mention of a name would send me into a rage. That was until I met someone who witnessed one such moment when the name was mentioned and gave me the following advice that made me stop and think.

Hope this helps you as much as it helped me!

"Holding onto such hatred is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting someone else to die!"