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My devil mother is seeking forgiveness before she dies!

During the early 70's when I was a young child. My mother, a prostitute. Would sell her body to fund her heroin addiction.

It causes me a lot of pain to discuss what happened to me as a child and the psychological damage has been profound. I ask you kindly to please not speculate about what happened to me.

Justice was served in the early 90's. In spite of that. I vowed to never forgive my mother for as long as she lives.

A hand written letter arrived in the post this morning from my mother. This is the first time I have had direct contact with her since that day in the early 90's.

In the letter she has told me that she has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and talks about how she want's my forgiveness before she dies.

Receiving that letter from her has made me drink half a bottle of vodka tonight to celebrate the good news.

I hate her. I don't care about her. Knowing she will soon be in hell where she belongs has made me the happiest I have been for a long time.

Those who know me the closest do not know about my childhood. They know I don't talk to the devil mother, that's about all I tell people.

Whether this is the alcohol talking and part of the reason why I would like to reach out to a wider audience by writing this. I want to confront her and let her know how much pain she caused me.

I want her to die knowing I hate her. If anyone out there can relate on the smallest scale to what I am going through. Is what I am thinking about doing immoral?


  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,840 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary Bake Off Boss!
    Taking this at face value it sounds like it was a dreadful life. Whether anyone forgives another person is entirely the individuals choice.

    Holding on to hate isn't good for your health and future well-being and forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what happened for letting her get away with it. Confronting her is unlikely to help the situation. Whatever you decide I wish you every success.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • PeacefulWaters
    PeacefulWaters Posts: 8,495 Forumite
    There is the option to do both if you can find it within you.

    Confront and forgive.

    Combining the two might bring you the most peace.

    I can't begin to imagine how her drug habit detrimentally affected you. Equally, I can't begin to imagine how it affected her either.

    You're stuck with your decision forever once she's gone.
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    There's only one problem with hate. It causes far more damage to the hater. It is corrosive to mind, body and soul and achieves nothing.

    Nobody can make this decision for you but I will say this. It took courage for the woman to recognise and admit what she has done. She is at least attempting to heal old wrongs.

    None of us know what our futures hold and it may some day come to pass that you are the one needing forgiveness for some small mistake with almighty consequences.

    Do nothing now if you so choose but the day may come where you suffer the most bitter regret because you preferred to hold on to hatred.

    I am sorry for your struggle and wish you well.
  • worried_jim
    worried_jim Posts: 11,631 Forumite
    Combo Breaker First Post
    Think long and hard about how you will feel five years after her death. If you think that you will feel bad for not forgiving then you probably should. If you are confident that this decision not to wont plague you later on then do what makes you happy and cease any more contact.
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    I've had another little thought about this.

    It's blazingly clear that all that unhappiness from the past is still very much alive and with you into the present day. Wouldn't it be nice to forgive and lay down that burden?

    Forgive is not the same thing as condone by a long shot.

    Good luck.
  • Detroit
    Detroit Posts: 790 Forumite
    No. You shouldn't make contact with a woman who is dying with the sole purpose of telling her that you hate her.
    This would be gratuitously cruel, and, while I make no comment on your justification for this, think if you're a person of conscience, it may in time be something you regret.

    There is no time for anything positive to result from a confrontation. Your mother has no time to attempt to make amends.
    As she has written to you expressing remorse, she clearly acknowledges what she's done already.

    Understandably, you can't forgive her, so in my opinion, it would be best not to respond at all, or return her letter.
    She will understand from this you can't forgive, and there will be no need for a painful confrontation that has no constructive purpose.

    The only thing you could hope for from this is revenge, and should you choose take it, may find after the initial relief, you'll have regrets.

    Your desire to confront her does show the depth of your unresolved feelings. I think it may help to explore this via counselling.
    Write down the things you would like to say to your mother and discuss them with a professional.

    Put your hands up.
  • mellymoo74
    mellymoo74 Posts: 6,529 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    What would it serve?
    How would it improve your life?

    I don't talk to my mother and never will but I let go of the hate years ago doesn't hurt her just hurts me

    Get help
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    Is what I am thinking about doing immoral?
    Is that the one thing that makes you consider not telling her you hate her? Why?

    Frankly, without knowing the detail of your past, we can't know how much you have suffered and therefore understand why you feel so strongly about wanting her to die in moral/mental pain.

    What is clear is that the pain you suffered as a child is still causing you pain as an adult and it is only natural to want to hurt back the person who is hurting you.

    Expert say that the release you get from hurting back those who hurt you is only short lived, and instant release than then just leaves you empty whereas forgiveness means that you can move on free of that huge weight forever. Maybe it is true for most, maybe not for everyone.

    Really, no one can tell you how your emotions will be affected with whichever action you decide to take, in the end it is up to you. You clearly don't owe your mother anything, so it's not about her but about you. If you think it will make you feel better to tell her you hate her before she dies, go ahead, but maybe think about whether it would indeed have the expected impact. Regrets can be harder to live with than pain.
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Enid_H wrote: »
    Is what I am thinking about doing immoral?

    Yes, it is because it goes against all the tenets of just about every faith there is on this planet.

    It's also less than sensible since the actual doing of a confrontation would be hugely stressful and probably physically damaging to you - blood pressure going off the scale isn't a good thing!

    A raging row could involve the police being called and then anything from the past that you wish to remain your own private business will be out of your hands.

    And all to achieve what, exactly?

    Do you think that the woman doesn't already know what she did and how you feel? Hasn't your determined silence over many years shown her?

    It's odd that you appear to have no doubts whatever that her claim to be terminally ill is genuine but cannot equally believe that she may well feel genuine remorse. I would guess that she is probably feeling terrified and alone. What would it achieve for you to add to that for reasons of pay-back?

    I am very sympathetic, having not seen a close relative of my own for 16 years for very similar reasons. In the end, nothing could alter what he had done and so I made a conscious choice to cease contact. Now, I pity him that he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see the value of a loving family.

    Letting go of the horrid memories and the strain of remembering to loathe him was a profound relief. I wish the same for you.

    PS It's also something of a rarity to find so many forumites all saying much the same and I think you should perhaps think very deeply about that.
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    edited 24 July 2016 at 8:37AM
    I don't speak to my father, I despise the man and no amount of time in jail will undo the damage he caused in my formative years.

    I'll never forgive him, if he asked I wouldn't even acknowledge his request. As far as I'm concerned he is dead to me.

    If you don't want to forgive your mother then don't. Yes it's sad for her that's she's terminally ill and I'm sure she would like to die with her concious clear but if you're not ready then it's tough for her. She chose drugs over you as a child and you can choose your own peace of mind over hers as an adult.

    ETA for me the fact she's waiting until she's dying is worse somehow, it's like she's put off acknowledging her wrong doings until the very last minute and now is getting round to it like its some sort of horrid chore on a must do list. Somehow it would be easier if I was in your position if my father wrote after leaving jail or as part of AA/NA "reaching out to everyone I hurt" exercise and not basically abusing you all over, using you for comfort when you're no longer in her life but she's decided now that you should be around for her death.
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