My devil mother is seeking forgiveness before she dies!

pickledonionspaceraider

It is a very personal thing OP and I do not think it immoral whatever you decide to do.

You need to be able to live with your own choices and no one is forcing you to do see her or forgive

To be honest, if you want my honest opinion, she sounds selfish. as someone earlier said shes had years to come to you but shes waited until shes dying to try to clear her conscience but having one last stab at your heart strings by the very fact she is dying. She is not unusual, we will all die it is a fact and I think you need to be true to yourself.

Don't do it out of spite, do it for your own peace of mind = whatever your choice is x

Kaye1

It depends on your own strength.

If you meet, and she doesn't give you the answers you need/want, will you be able to cope? If the meeting goes badly, will you have the mental strength to put it to one side and carry on with your life? Or will it upset up/drag it all up again?

Your drinking the vodka would suggest that it would have a great impact on you if it didn't go well.

I was/am totally able to block my mother out of my life- but I think that 'peace' with my situation has come with time and age. I also realised that my family now is the centre of my life- my old family was no good for me or anyone.

There have been lots of lovely, balanced answers on here- so I hope they help and wish you all the best.

suejb2

If she truly wants your forgiveness why did she not ask years ago? By asking now she's putting the onus onto you, in the 'limited' time she has left. Write your response to her, then like others have said either send it, file it or burn it.
Thankfully I've never experienced a toxic relationship but sometimes doing nothing has a better effect than doing something.

Enid_H

I will try to address everything in one go.

There is no need for counselling. I have lived a normal life for the last 20 years.

I don't drink to drown my sorrows. Nevertheless, I do believe the drinking last night made my thinking irrational.

Where my mother is concerned. Receiving this letter has become the final chapter, culminating with all the bad which happenened during my early life coming to an end.

Once she has gone. I can finally put that skeleton in my closet to rest.

No amount of reparation from her will make me grant her forgiveness. I am going to burn the letter. She can die without knowing how I feel about what she did to me.

What has disturbed me about reading what I have written last night is how bad I have sounded. I have no emotion knowing she is dying. The world will be a better place without her and I do hope she rots in hell.

I can't hide my true feelings about her. She is my devil mother but it does appear from what comes out when I talk about her, is that I have inherited some of her cold demonic ways.

BarryBlue

tesuhoha wrote: »

Don't forgive. Just tear the letter up and move on. Some rifts cannot be healed.

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

Ignore her or send it back with a brief note telling her you do not want to meet and she is not forgiven. I don't get the forgiving will make you feel better stance either. I am sure she well deserves all the hate.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Agree with all this ^^^ I don't see why forgiveness is necessary. And I don't see how or why it makes the person who has been wronged feel better. All it's doing is making the perpetrator feel better. And they often don't deserve that.

'It's better to forgive' is a crock in my opinion.

I agree with all of these comments. Some people do such appalling things that they cannot ever be excused. The fact that somebody might be dying makes no difference in my view. They did what they did and if the OP feels that they don't want to have contact, then let them die without it. Once they're dead, that's an end to it.

Personally, if someone has wronged me then I tend to ignore them completely. I just don't let their existence affect me at all. If it makes them feel bad that I won't acknowledge them, that's fine by me. Tesuhoha has the right idea. Alternatively, refer them to the reply given in Arkell v Pressdram.;)

FBaby

I think what you need to consider isn't what do you do now, but how will you look back on your decision in your future.

Totally agree with that, what you don't want is hate AND regrets.

I have no emotion knowing she is dying. The world will be a better place without her and I do hope she rots in hell.

Are you sure you have no emotions? You have shared a lot in two messages and your wishes that she rots in hell shows that there is still a lot of anger.

You've lived fine for 20 years and you might continue to do so once you forget about her letter and then death. At the same time, it could all release some emotions that you've managed to keep in your subconscious.

Do you have anyone you can share your feelings and who you trust to guide you? After all, we are all strangers, so are unlikely to give advice that will be tailored to your actual circumstances.

gonzo127

GlasweJen wrote: »

There's not much support for abused children who make it to adulthood, the OP probably does need therapy but NHS waiting lists for talking therapies are long, as long as 18 months in some areas and cut to 4-6 sessions per person to try clear the queue so not long enough to really help.

Private therapy costs money, some charities (anxiety UK are one) will subsidise the cost of therapies but only certain therapies are available in some areas. Telephone counselling is available and worthwhile if you can afford what they expect you to afford.

So peace of mind for someone with no support, no therapy who has shoved the whole thing in a mental prison cell might well be just reassurance that no one will come along and force them to open the door and let it all spill out again.

depends on where they live, for example in Kent, waiting lists are less than 28 days for talking therapies, and in fact most people are seen within 2 weeks, however this is because of private companies are the ones providing the services under a NHS contract, so all depends on how you feel about 'the privatisation of the NHS' as to if you would accept such a terrible situation (the waiting list used to be 14 months when it was only NHS provided).

System

I reconnected with my Mother over 3 years ago after being treated pretty shabbily for most of my life.

I have to say i didnt go willingly. My daughters persuaded me to give it one last shot. It wasnt easy. At the time i found her in the early stages of dementia.

Pretty soon after she was admitted in a residential home where at first i went to see her once a week but as she got older, frailer and as the dementia took hold i visited more often. Her words didnt scare me any more. The sharpness of her tongue had gone and she was genuinely pleased to see me.

Before the dementia took her speech completely i got my apology for the way she had treated me. I realize that the hurt and anger that i felt should have come out many years ago but out of a sense of duty and respect for her i just put up with it.

I still feel a lack of self worth and loathing to the point where i feel unclean and the temptation to bathe myself in a bleach bath is ever so great but now Mother has passed, the pressure is off. I crave love and a feeling of acceptance from the people i am close to. That craving never goes away.

I can now appreciate the apology i got. It doesnt undo years of bad treatment but i'm glad i went.

hello007007

I know a person who has been through this.

One day outside the school gates my friend told me someone contacted her on facebook regarding her mum and they wanted her to contact them back. We thought it is a prank, it was very odd and she had changed her last name when she got married. The request for a contact number kept coming, if the person was blocked they would make a new account and resent it.

Long story short, it was her mothers carer. Her mother had wanted to contact my friend for many years but didnt know how to. At frist my friend wanted nothing to do with this business from the past but in the end went to see her mum.

My friend knew she was an unwanted baby, born out of wed lock but when she saw her mum, she was told her mums pain of being abandoned my the babys father, the families anger and dishonour of what she had done, how when her mum met the love of her life, his family wouldn't allow the marriage as she already had a baby etc... my friend just let her rumble on.

Now my friends mum was very abusive to my friend when she was young. She would beat her, call her names, treat her very bad even in front of others etc... My friend was very hurt inside but time is a good healer.

She only met her mum once and didn't go when they told her, her mum was on her death bed and only had hours to live. However, my friend did find healing in that meeting that only last a few hours. She also like the idea of letting her mum dying in peace.

At one point she did talk about instead of a meeting having a phone call or sending her huby instead.
Always be the better person, its very impotant and does your soul a lot of good. My advice will be not to sink down to her level. I really admire my friend for what she did, it took a lot of strengh, I dont think many people will understand.

There is stuff I cant write on here, so if you want to know more or talk to my friend PM me.

seven-day-weekend

Enid_H wrote: »

I will try to address everything in one go.

There is no need for counselling. I have lived a normal life for the last 20 years.

I don't drink to drown my sorrows. Nevertheless, I do believe the drinking last night made my thinking irrational.

Where my mother is concerned. Receiving this letter has become the final chapter, culminating with all the bad which happenened during my early life coming to an end.

Once she has gone. I can finally put that skeleton in my closet to rest.

No amount of reparation from her will make me grant her forgiveness. I am going to burn the letter. She can die without knowing how I feel about what she did to me.

What has disturbed me about reading what I have written last night is how bad I have sounded. I have no emotion knowing she is dying. The world will be a better place without her and I do hope she rots in hell.

I can't hide my true feelings about her. She is my devil mother but it does appear from what comes out when I talk about her, is that I have inherited some of her cold demonic ways.

I think your feeling towards your mother is natural.

My friend had the same (lack of) feeling towards the father who had abused her since she was a little girl, when he died. She too felt that it was a closure,the end of a chapter and that she could now put it behind her for good.

I respect your decision, as there is only you who can make it and I'm glad you have done so in a rational way.

Wishing you well.

P.S. YOu have NOT inherited her demonic ways.