My devil mother is seeking forgiveness before she dies!

kingrulzuk

If you want to be happy: Forgive, forget and move on THATS LIFE

paddy's_mum

GlasweJen wrote: »

you can choose your own peace of mind over hers

This is a valid viewpoint but from the opening post, it didn't seem as though there is any peace of mind nor much happiness. Is knocking back half a bottle of spirits truly a celebration?

Whatever the OP decides to do, it is a very sad situation for everyone concerned including those of us who have had painful memories revived. Oh, when I think of the misery human selfishness creates...

GlasweJen

There's not much support for abused children who make it to adulthood, the OP probably does need therapy but NHS waiting lists for talking therapies are long, as long as 18 months in some areas and cut to 4-6 sessions per person to try clear the queue so not long enough to really help.

Private therapy costs money, some charities (anxiety UK are one) will subsidise the cost of therapies but only certain therapies are available in some areas. Telephone counselling is available and worthwhile if you can afford what they expect you to afford.

So peace of mind for someone with no support, no therapy who has shoved the whole thing in a mental prison cell might well be just reassurance that no one will come along and force them to open the door and let it all spill out again.

Enterprise_1701C

Would it not be good to make contact with her, if only to know that you did and not wonder what would have happened if you had?

And, it is true that to hate someone you have to love them first.

Speaking as a woman who would do anything to see her mother having lost her 35 years ago.

And just one thought. Your mum obviously had an "addictive personality". Please, please, do not let yourself go down the same path. Half a bottle of vodka is not good.

whitewing

Listening to your mother is not necessarily the same as forgiving her. Why don't you meet up and see what she has to say? It may be healing for you.

Forgiving her is not the same as being best buddies. It may be as simple as accepting that the past cannot be any different for you. (To sort of quote Oprah Winfrey).

silvercar

A friend had a similar dilemma, she wrote back that she had moved on with her life and no longer held grudges but she didn't wish to have any contact.

KxMx

I don't think confrontation is a good idea. You may not get the reaction you want/need.

I would just ignore the letter. That will send a message loud & clear to your mother by itself.

seven-day-weekend

Forgiving her does not mean saying that she has done nothing wrong. If she had done no wrong there would be nothing to forgive.

It also does not mean that her actions have not caused you pain and damage.

But in the end, it will be better for you if you could let all the hurt and anger go. This may be very hard for you to do .

I don't think it is right to go and see her just to tell her how much her actions affected her life. She knows that, otherwise she would not be asking for forgiveness.

If you feel you can't forgive her, then don't see her at all. Otherwise, be the better person, forgive her, let your hurt and pain go and get on with a life knowing you have done the better thing.

I would also consider some professional counselling for yourself.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

missprice

KxMx wrote: »

I don't think confrontation is a good idea. You may not get the reaction you want/need.

I would just ignore the letter. That will send a message loud & clear to your mother by itself.

This.

Either ignore the letter and she will wonder if you ever even got it or send it back with or without a note to say you won't meet.

But there is a good chance if you do meet then you won't get the reaction you want, whatever that may be

I also think it's selfish of your mother to send you a letter now after all this time requesting a visit, she has had years to ask forgiveness but only now she is dying (possibly ) does it matter .

I found out last year my mother died a few years ago and I got a feeling of relief that at last I could walk around with no chance of bumping into her. Ever.

ineed

Personally I would ignore the letter or send it back as others have said. Having a confrontation will only be more painful in the long run imo.

I can relate to what you're going through, I haven't seen or spoken to my birth giver since I was a teenager because of the truly terrible things she's done. I used to really hate her but now I feel nothing for her, holding onto all the hate is not good for you and letting it go really doesn't mean forgiveness. I know it's easier said than done though.