Need to rant! OAP in a vulnerable situation

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Pollycat wrote: »

Well. that's good news.
But one wonders why he didn't sort out her benefits.

Because she told him it wasn't a problem and she was happy as it is, perhaps?

Pollycat

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Because she told him it wasn't a problem and she was happy as it is, perhaps?

That makes no sense at all - at least it doesn't to me - given that her boiler doesn't work, she has no lighting, no washing machine and no phone.

If she has enough money to sort those issues out, why wouldn't she?

If she's telling her son that she has no problems and is happy with things as they are, why would she tell the OP, her neighbour, about everything that is wrong in the house?

Or are you insinuating that she's on a par with your own Mother?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Or the not so perfect little world where the dear little, white haired old lady would simper and cry to anybody outside the situation - and then unleash hell with weapons such as gardening equipment if the unfortunate offspring is careless enough to turn their back on her when there were no witnesses, having been guilt tripped into going round to help.

As far as I'm aware, my mother still lives in filth and clutter with no heating, mould, infestation and faulty appliances by the ton. But no well meaning stranger who has fallen for the pawr ickle me routine could persuade me to step foot inside, no matter how much money she claimed to have given, without a stab proof vest, goggles, a crash helmet and shinpads. Oh, and a tetanus booster. I nearly lost an eye last time I tried to help her. Never again. So yes, she does deserve to live like that, especially following the abusive, neglectful childhood.

If she's keen enough for help, she'll self refer. If not, that's her choice.

Person_one

OP, if you want to try and help, go ahead and do as much as you feel comfortable doing.

Be careful though, don't allow yourself to be manipulated. There doesn't seem to be any suggestion in your OP that this woman doesn't have her mental faculties. No obvious reason why she couldn't have helped herself a little more, or asked for the help she needed. You can't 'neglect' somebody who is perfectly capable of looking after themselves but chooses not to.

This is eerily reminiscent of a situation in my own extended family, I'm not going into details on here but all I'll say is be very careful that you don't invest too much energy and time into helping this woman only to find yourself accused of all sorts of things a bit further down the line.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Pollycat wrote: »

That makes no sense at all - at least it doesn't to me - given that her boiler doesn't work, she has no lighting, no washing machine and no phone.

If she has enough money to sort those issues out, why wouldn't she?

If she's telling her son that she has no problems and is happy with things as they are, why would she tell the OP, her neighbour, about everything that is wrong in the house?

Or are you insinuating that she's on a par with your own Mother?

Could be either. Plus, some older parents are determined not to let their adult children 'interfere/take over/worry themselves/etc'. I don't think OH's father would appreciate OH trying to help if he were struggling - he'd probably tell him to sod off, as he's a very capable, proud man who has always been the one who does the looking after - if he couldn't do that anymore, I doubt he'd ever want to admit it.

OH has learned from his Dad - he is also a nightmare for being great at looking after people, but absolutely rubbish at admitting the opposite - 'I'm fine' 'Don't worry' and suchlike are the usual phrases he trots out - I expect he could have a leg hanging off and he'd claim it was just a minor flesh wound and he'll get on with cooking dinner if I would just tell him where the gaffer tape was.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

OP, if you want to try and help, go ahead and do as much as you feel comfortable doing.

Be careful though, don't allow yourself to be manipulated. There doesn't seem to be any suggestion in your OP that this woman doesn't have her mental faculties. No obvious reason why she couldn't have helped herself a little more, or asked for the help she needed. You can't 'neglect' somebody who is perfectly capable of looking after themselves but chooses not to.

This is worth keeping in mind.

The truth could be anything from a sad elderly lady neglected by her son to a manipulative old so-and-so who drags people in and then uses them or somewhere in between.

OP - keep your wits about you so that you can judge the situation and decide how involved to become.

tesuhoha

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Or the not so perfect little world where the dear little, white haired old lady would simper and cry to anybody outside the situation - and then unleash hell with weapons such as gardening equipment if the unfortunate offspring is careless enough to turn their back on her when there were no witnesses, having been guilt tripped into going round to help.

As far as I'm aware, my mother still lives in filth and clutter with no heating, mould, infestation and faulty appliances by the ton. But no well meaning stranger who has fallen for the pawr ickle me routine could persuade me to step foot inside, no matter how much money she claimed to have given, without a stab proof vest, goggles, a crash helmet and shinpads. Oh, and a tetanus booster. I nearly lost an eye last time I tried to help her. Never again. So yes, she does deserve to live like that, especially following the abusive, neglectful childhood.

If she's keen enough for help, she'll self refer. If not, that's her choice.

On the other side of the coin I had a mother who was kind and hard working all her life but poor. She was a scrimper and saver. My brother has never worked and has been on benefits all his life. (He is now 63). When she was alive he and his wife (who also has never worked) lurched from one financial crisis to another and turned up on her doorstep every few years for a loan. Loans of thousands which were never paid back. When she died she had hardly any savings left.

Now that she is no longer around her darling boy is in an absolutely massive deal of debt. A while ago his son asked me to lend him some money, which to my regret, I did. I felt sorry for him but I have since found out he is as useless as his parents and has a similar lack of morals. He has no intention of ever paying me back. Recently my brother approached me for the money to apply for bankruptcy. I don't think he has been refused before and we have now fallen out, forever I hope. I don't want to see any of them again.

There was no parental abuse in my family, just poverty. The worse thing about it is that as he has been signing on it seems that he qualifies for a state pension.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

tesuhoha wrote: »

On the other side of the coin I had a mother who was kind and hard working all her life but poor. She was a scrimper and saver. My brother has never worked and has been on benefits all his life. (He is now 63). When she was alive he and his wife (who also has never worked) lurched from one financial crisis to another and turned up on her doorstep every few years for a loan. Loans of thousands which were never paid back. When she died she had hardly any savings left.

Now that she is no longer around her darling boy is in an absolutely massive deal of debt. A while ago his son asked me to lend him some money, which to my regret, I did. I felt sorry for him but I have since found out he is as useless as his parents and has a similar lack of morals. He has no intention of ever paying me back. Recently my brother approached me for the money to apply for bankruptcy. I don't think he has been refused before and we have now fallen out, forever I hope. I don't want to see any of them again.

There was no parental abuse in my family, just poverty. The worse thing about it is that as he has been signing on it seems that he qualifies for a state pension.

As I clarified in my second post, it could be a number of things, not just a vulnerable older person being neglected, so yes, absolutely.

The important thing is to be aware of the possibilities. It's the only way to minimise the risk of getting caught in the crossfire/taken advantage of in the process.

Soundgirlrocks

Update,

Good News: She has a working phone again, (I explained I thought she needed a new handset as the mic wasn't working - she though it was fault with the actual line, she's went and bought a new handset and once I got her the right batteries its all working) She has a service-level agreement with British Gas and now she has bulbs for the lights she has booked for them to come and look again at the electrics.

Bad News: I went to speak to her last night about claiming pension credit. The son had made an appointment (without speaking to her first) for British Gas to come round and do a survey for their current promotion £400 boiler scrappage when you buy a new boiler. They have had an argument as she cancelled the appointment. She was upset and stressed when I spoke to her and is panicking about where she would get £3k for a new boiler from.

I'm dropping in the information about how to claim pension credit tonight and the eligibility info for the FREE boilers

She is mentally capable but just needs help accessing the information that is out there and a bit of support in getting it done.

Soundgirlrocks

I also think there is a bit of depression going on about her living conditions which is why she struggles to get stuff done, vicious cycle to break.

hazyjo

My OH's dad won't have anyone round his house. He will only meet us at a pub or he comes and stays with us. The house was hellish when my OH had to stay there 10 or so years ago. Things were broken or not working, he owes money, it's not a nice area either.


He loves his dad very much, but there is a lot of very sad history/abuse between them and other family members. We know where the line has been drawn and don't cross it. There is a loving relationship there now, and he worries himself silly about his dad, but I don't think my OH would give any more back than he currently does. (tbh, I think he's been more than generous.)


Glad this lady has your support. As others have suggested, there is probably more to this, but she obviously now needs care and support.


My next door neighbour is the same, doesn't like people seeing her house, her garden is horrendously overgrown (just a square of tall weeds/plants/bushes) but she won't accept help, and she has basically told me before that she doesn't bother with the house any more as there's no point. It's very sad. My BF and her neighbour the other side (who we're friends with) said they're going to knock with equipment in hand this year and say they're doing the garden for her, no matter what she says.


I think a lot of elderly people on their own do just give up. It's very sad.


Jx