Need to rant! OAP in a vulnerable situation

Soundgirlrocks

I am so angry about how some people treat their elderly parents. I spent 2 hours on Saturday helping my neighbour clean her windows and put up new nets. She has a son who lives 20 min away and she has given him money she inherited from her brother to pay of his mortgage. She has no hot water or heating as the boiler doesn't work. The electrics have blown in the living room and she has no lights. She is struggling with the cleaning. Her washing machine doesn't work. She strip washes in the sink because she is scared of getting into the bath and what's the point as she has no hot water.
Last week she came to me because her phone wasn't working she had asked the son for help but he had told her she didn't need a phone, she was distressed as she hadn't spoken to her best friend in 3 weeks. It is taking all my restraint not to go round to the sons house and let rip

I have his contact details and have written him an email this morning, which I have tried to keep friendly and polite and suggested that she may be entitled to a new boiler and pension saving credit, as well as the help adult social service can offer.

I'm hoping I can shame him into action, it feels like he just wants her to pop her clogs and he can get his grubby hands on her flat. He may not have know the boiler but is clear that she is finding things difficult. The windows where black with mould and his own son and wife won't go into the flat (much to the distress of my neighbour). She was so glad of the help on Saturday. I struggle to understand how someone can see his mother isn't coping and not do anything about it.

Mojisola

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

I am so angry about how some people treat their elderly parents. I spent 2 hours on Saturday helping my neighbour clean her windows and put up new nets. She has a son who lives 20 min away and she has given him money she inherited from her brother to pay of his mortgage. She has no hot water or heating as the boiler doesn't work. The electrics have blown in the living room and she has no lights. She is struggling with the cleaning. Her washing machine doesn't work. She strip washes in the sink because she is scared of getting into the bath and what's the point as she has no hot water.
Last week she came to me because her phone wasn't working she had asked the son for help but he had told her she didn't need a phone, she was distressed as she hadn't spoken to her best friend in 3 weeks. It is taking all my restraint not to go round to the sons house and let rip

I have his contact details and have written him an email this morning, which I have tried to keep friendly and polite and suggested that she may be entitled to a new boiler and pension saving credit, as well as the help adult social service can offer.

I'd contact Social Services directly and ask for a visit.

Her son isn't going to magically change and become a good carer. She needs the professionals involved.

Pollycat

^^^ I agree with this.

I appreciate your good intentions with the email but I hope you haven't put the son's back up and it rebounds onto his Mum.
It sounds like he doesn't care about his Mum and pointing out his short-comings, however politely, probably won't sit well with him.

I'm not sure if Social Services sort out benefits but if they don't you could maybe arrange to take her to CAB.

kingfisherblue

My mum's neighbour was in a similar situation a few years ago. Someone contacted SS and she received the help that she needed - and her son started to help with the house and garden as well. I think having SS involved probably shamed him into helping. He lived less than five minutes drive away (about twelve minutes walk).

FBaby

You don't know what the situation is, you are going by what she tells you. I would think you are better not get involved in their family business, just refer her to SS as she is clearly in a vulnerable position.

AnnieO1234

Refer to SS, you have no idea what the issues are and it may well be that the son has had to cut his mother out of his life. Xxx

Soundgirlrocks

FBaby wrote: »

You don't know what the situation is, you are going by what she tells you. I would think you are better not get involved in their family business, just refer her to SS as she is clearly in a vulnerable position.

No I don't know all the details which is why I have sent a polite email to the son. But I have been in her flat, I have help her do the things she has asked the son to do, I have seen the daughter in law refusing to go into the flat, and I have comforted a distressed elderly lady who can't cope. I don't believe in the "its none of my business" brigade she is my neighbour, I was brought up to look out for the vulnerable people within your community. I will if the son doesn't get back to me / start to help his mother contact social services.

Soundgirlrocks

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Refer to SS, you have no idea what the issues are and it may well be that the son has had to cut his mother out of his life. Xxx

He visits occasionally, and is the email contact for correspondence regarding the management of the block (I'm director which is why I have his details) But practical help doesn't seem to be forthcoming.

wishuponastar

Whilst I personally have a soft spot for helping elderly people out, I used to wonder a similar thing to myself. Namely how could I, a complete stranger to the elderly person seem to care more for them, than their blood relatives who came to visit on rare occasions and for a very short time.


What I've realised is that the elderly people were once not elderly people with full capacity and wits about them and their behaviour at that time will result in the strength of the relationship between blood relatives i.e. sons/daughters etc.


Don't forget some elderly people are very good at telling their stories 'how they remember them' which isn't always factual.


Also the elderly person could have made plans and provisions to move to somewhere earlier on to make life easier for their impending old age. If she can phone her friend (when her phone was working), surely she can phone a boiler company to fix or repair her boiler or to arrange boiler cover should that event arise.


I agree with a previous poster 'FBaby'. If by all means you want to help her out by letting her phone from yours or similar, then do feel free to but I would advise against getting involved in their family politics.

Hermia

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Refer to SS, you have no idea what the issues are and it may well be that the son has had to cut his mother out of his life. Xxx

I agree. My friend was subject to severe sexual and physical abuse from her parents when she was young. She doesn't live far from them, but won't have anything to do with them for obvious reasons (she is still extremely vulnerable and damaged). Her parents love to tell everyone about their ungrateful daughter and people believe them! People forget that those frail old dears were once young and strong and as capable of abuse as anyone else.

Soundgirlrocks

Well I've just called SS to see if they can help and as she isn't on their system there isn't anything they can do unless she self refers. I'm out till late tonight but tomorrow I will pop into see her and see if I can pursued her to self refer.

The lady at the council said there is lots that they can do to help once she is on the system though which is good.