The end of procrastination and disorganisation.......

Chrystal

Hi PH glad to see you posting.

Is it possible to do the windows 1 or 2 at a time? It would let you focus on the room that's had the window done and get it sorted whilst saving for the next one.

Take care ((hugs)) X

doingitanyway

Chrystal wrote: »

Is it possible to do the windows 1 or 2 at a time? It would let you focus on the room that's had the window done and get it sorted whilst saving for the next one.

This is exactly my plan. I think it is a good one parsniphead

parsniphead

I can't sleep. I just need to get stuff of my chest.

Dissatisfaction in life leads me down some very strange and crazy roads. It always leaves me feeling like I've been beaten, heartbroken and grieving. If you go looking for something it seems unhappiness turns up and destroys any joy. I went looking and found what I didn't want to. I found reality.

I've got to come back from my strange fantasy land and live again. Not as before. Not just existing, but living, really living.

Who knows how much time we have left. I'm just sick of being a non existant half person. I have to find the strength and guts to be the real me. I have to stop being scared all the time. I have to stop wanting what I can't have and deal with what I do have. But I want so much to be ................

What will be will be. Even if it hurts. Nothing really exists.

Sorry for such a strange post. My head has been away recently to another place. I want to be back in a better place.

parsniphead

Goodness. I was in a dark place last night. Sorry about that. Moods, pain and longterm insomnia thing.

This morning I'm in a real f*#k it mood. A come on world, just try to take me on. I'll kick your backside thing.

It's going to be a bumpy day and God help anyone who starts.

Time to start stuffing down those frogs. I need to contact a builder as the bay roof is unfortunately kn@ckered and the house has so much broken guttering. I sill no longer live in this mess.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

redofromstart

Oh Parsniphead, I am glad you posted again and are brighter this morning.

I am finding that fighting my 'demons' with action is helping a little hence my current push on clearing and cleaning. Still get the black dooms but I am chipping away at it..

Cherryfudge

Good to hear from you Parsnip though sorry you are struggling so much. Insomnia alone is enough to make life much harder. It may be worth talking it through with a doctor (finding the right one makes all the difference) in case they can suggest anything, as can talking it through with yourself as if you were advising someone else.

I call those little actions that help me 'loving my future self'. I haven't by any means got there yet but any choice I make can be a building block for a better future. Also don't neglect to celebrate what you achieve, whether it's phoning the builder or not eating a non-health-building piece of food. While your focus is split between 'mess' and fantasy, there's little incentive to come into the real world. Perhaps you could start with one corner of your home and work outwards from there, getting it more as you want it. Then when you feel you aren't getting anywhere, turn and look into that part of the house and know that you are creating your real life and it's solid and tangible.

Hope today goes better for you - frogs watch out! xx

parsniphead

Thank you redo and cherry.

Its been a very funny (not ha ha) few months and its far from over. Today I decided to spend time catching up on diaries on here. Its something which always makes me feel so much more positive.

Much more time has been spent today facing up to real life and not skiving off elsewhere, to a place I can't go to without a time machine.:o

Once DS is asleep tonight I'm going to do some in depth planning and try to find some more focus again. Time to start acting like an adult.

Yesterday DH and I had a conversation about the house and jobs which need doing. It was initiated by him which was a surprise as he is generally a 'oh its OK' sort of person. I'm really lucky to have him and feel guilty about recent thoughts about the marriage and our future. That's another story though.

I guess as an introverted person I have never really lived life to the full and being around teenagers all day with there futures ahead of them has been knowing at me recently. Oh for that time machine.

Anyway what do I do. Spend the rest of my life pondering a past which can't be changed or make the bl00dy best of the moments I have left. Its a no brainer really isn't it?

Challenges ahead

My health and fitness - very poor at the moment
The house - decluttering, refurb and redecoration needed
Me - needs doing up too.
Debt - needs to go asap
Mortgage - after the debt the mortgage has it coming
Time - I need to find time to just be me
Business - keep plodding and increasing income
Job - keep going to keep the money coming it and see what comes up.

Oh and I need to get back to the MSE posting habit to keep me focussed. I will do this each morning where possible.

Right my tablet is about to die. Night all and thank you xxx

doingitanyway

Hugs to you Parsniphead. I think you had what I call 'a dark night of the soul' You have emerged stronger and more focused so it isn't a bad thing.

I find inspiration from your honesty. I also think the way you turn your hand to things in the home is admirable.

I have learnt so much from your posts.

Take care
DIA x

Cherryfudge

All any of us have is today, parsnip... we have memories and dreams but anything you can do to make each day a little better will help enormously in the long term.

It sounds as though you are going through a really difficult spell at the moment. Hopefully the tide is about to turn on that. Keep posting: we really like to hear from you!

Having teenagers around with everything ahead of them is a very challenging time - I would have run off to Uni to join them given half a chance! Don't underestimate all the things you've learned since you were a teenager, though, or the life experiences you've had. It IS a time of great change and it can be hard to see it happening but there is life on the other side.

Hope you and your DH can find a positive and achievable way forward xx

in_need_of_direction

Sometimes you need to hit a really bad patch to spur yourself onto making the necessary changes. You can do this and, if you have doubts, take a look back here and get comfort from all you have done.