Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay our sister's share of our parents' gift?

Peter333

maiasopohie wrote: »

Another one here who agrees that not everyone on benefits is worse off than people who work!

Thanks Peter333. I said I was never poor but I never went on hols, had take-always, went to the pub or restaurants or cinema,etc EVER! I managed and was comfortable.. I definitely wasn't poor as in desperate for food or the essentials. In fact, hate to admit it, but I had more money as a single parent on benefits than I did as a married family with one breadwinner & a stay-at-home Mum. There's something wrong with the system here.....

Good post :T

I know that some people on benefits are not loaded, and do struggle. However, it is a fact that some people are no worse off than when they are working. In fact, some people are actually better off than when they're working.

Some people who go to food banks are actually workers!

I still think though, that nobody should be expected to fork out money they can ill afford to lose.

AstonSimon

Did your sister really agree to pay £250?


A couple of years ago, my Dad told me of a plan he had hatched to celebrate Mum's 70th birthday. He said, "everybody's happy with it, so I'm going to go ahead and book it." He DID NOT ask me if I was happy. A few minutes previously, I had heard my sister telling him that she was NOT happy with the idea, repeatedly, and loud enough for everybody within 100 yards to hear. Dad ended that conversation by saying, "I'll go ahead and book it then." He told my sister that everybody (including me) was happy BEFORE he had even had the common courtesy to inform me as fait accompli.


Did something similar happen here? One of your sisters told everybody and ignored the objections? Fortunately in the case above, Dad lost enthusiasm with the plan. Either the protestations finally sank in, or he realised how much it would cost. But on other occasions, he has gone ahead despite objections, and then denied that we objected, or said, "You should have made me listen..."


If your sister did raise objections which fell on deaf ears (be honest, even if you didn't orchestrate it personally, you know if one of your sisters is a control freak,) then I would say that she is under no obligation to pay anything. The sister who tried to bully her into paying what she couldn't afford should pay her full £250.

Honeylife

Been in a near similar situation with our Mothers 80th bday. We wanted a sit down lunch in a private room of country hotel for 50 people (ended up with 53!) But we, the five of us, only had a year once agreed to put the money together. £350 pp was the sum agreed. It was extremely hard for me - the poorest of the five - as I was on Benefits and had my own 4 children very needy at the time. However the eldest sister kept on top of us all throughout and checked on the sums saved regularly so no one was falling behind with saving. Her checking regularly helped considerably I did save it and sold some unwanted stuff on Ebay and car boots to raise my share. I was delighted to meet my contribution and no one invited had to pay a penny towards the celebration meal. Our mother recovering from Cancer was overwhelmed and we were delighted that we had done it. However my bossy sister did say if I didn't make it she would top it up and I could pay her back. It was done in One year. That was three years ago. The plus side of it...I kept on saving, selling on Ebay and doing car boot sales!

Peter333

AstonSimon wrote: »

Did your sister really agree to pay £250?

A couple of years ago, my Dad told me of a plan he had hatched to celebrate Mum's 70th birthday. He said, "everybody's happy with it, so I'm going to go ahead and book it." He DID NOT ask me if I was happy. A few minutes previously, I had heard my sister telling him that she was NOT happy with the idea, repeatedly, and loud enough for everybody within 100 yards to hear. Dad ended that conversation by saying, "I'll go ahead and book it then." He told my sister that everybody (including me) was happy BEFORE he had even had the common courtesy to inform me as fait accompli.

If your sister did raise objections which fell on deaf ears (be honest, even if you didn't orchestrate it personally, you know if one of your sisters is a control freak,) then I would say that she is under no obligation to pay anything. The sister who tried to bully her into paying what she couldn't afford should pay her full £250.

Agree with this! ^^^ I do wonder if some bossy older sibling orchestrated all this, and not everyone is happy about it. I think that is far more likely than everyone being happy with it!

Honeylife wrote: »

Been in a near similar situation with our Mothers 80th bday. We wanted a sit down lunch in a private room of country hotel for 50 people (ended up with 53!) But we, the five of us, only had a year once agreed to put the money together. £350 pp was the sum agreed. It was extremely hard for me - the poorest of the five - as I was on Benefits and had my own 4 children very needy at the time.

However the eldest sister kept on top of us all throughout and checked on the sums saved regularly so no one was falling behind with saving. Her checking regularly helped considerably I did save it and sold some unwanted stuff on Ebay and car boots to raise my share. I was delighted to meet my contribution and no one invited had to pay a penny towards the celebration meal. Our mother recovering from Cancer was overwhelmed and we were delighted that we had done it. However my bossy sister did say if I didn't make it she would top it up and I could pay her back. It was done in One year. That was three years ago. The plus side of it...I kept on saving, selling on Ebay and doing car boot sales!

That's lovely for you that you were more than happy and able to meet your contribution. However, nobody (in my opinion) should have to save for a YEAR, and have to sell things on ebay and suchlike to try and raise a contribution for their mother's birthday party. I would hate to be in a family like this, where someone (usually with more money) decides everyone needs to pay X amount of money for a massive bash for someone's birthday, and that's it! You ALL pay. Whether you want to or not, and whether you can afford to or not.

A friend of my wife has this dilemma every few months! She has 6 brothers and sisters (3 of each,) and they have a dozen kids between them, and those dozen kids are starting families now too! Every month or two, something comes up: a wedding, a Christening, a 40th birthday, a 50th, a 60th, a 21st, an engagement party yada yada. She is constantly stressed and worried about the money it costs. 3 siblings live 200-300 miles away, so there's the travel and the overnight stay for her and her husband and kids every time something comes up down in the areas they live. Everyone is invited, and everyone is expected to come. If they don't, they incur the wrath of the family. Ridiculous. And I know several other families like this.

By the way, a private lunch with 53 people?! That is bigger than some wedding receptions I have been to. When I hear stuff like this, and the OP's dilemma, and stories like the one I told you about with my wife's friend, I feel grateful to have a family who don't need to have massive expensive do's for every single event. Of course we have the occasional do for very special events, but don't ask - or expect - every last sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, and in-law to come!

Honeylife

In saving for the Event. I learnt to SAVE. I found this very site, (followed many tips including reclaiming PPI, cashback, cheaper fuel providers etc) plus feed your family for a £1 a day and other penny pinching websites. I haven't stopped learning and saving since. I now make and sell stuff, am a mobile seamstress, rent a room and much more. I also baked cakes for parties. I personally benefited tremendously.

When we met to decide how to celebrate her 80th many suggestions and costs were put on the table and there was concern that I couldn't meet the amount. But I WANTED to and it was a wonderful personal incentive to clear cupboards of my rubbish. Eg I moved from a £30 pm phone contract to £10 pm! Thats £240 saved pa! Instead of the local charity getting my stuff and making money, I sold them and the money came to me! The first bag of children's clothes i sold I was heady with excitement for days! My siblings supported me at car boot sales and rounded up clients for my cakes.

As we stood around my mothers bedside in hospital expecting her to die the year before, the 80th birthday lunch was a celebration of her life, her recovery, being a wonderful mother, sister, grandmother, and good friend to many who had supported us her children while she was in ill, plus let me reassure you a darn sight cheaper than a funeral (and a lot more fun!). :rotfl:

I am no longer on Benefits as i am now Self Employed. I cannot put into words the incentive saving £350 gave me to get off my [STRIKE]!!![/STRIKE] and do something!

But regards the OPs dilemma i think the siblings should look on Groupon for a cheaper holiday and cough up the difference if the one with the low income cant raise any more money.

DavidHayton

Of course you should contribute extra if one of the others is struggling financially, for whatever reason. Good relationships in families are far more important than a couple of hundred pounds. If you can give £250 you can give £300. Hope your parents have a lovely time